Young Writers Society

Has gone under major reconstruction and i have actually only kept the characters (have altered them entirely to be non-gold-eyed and non-perfect-in-every-way) and story line. The end result of them being together after a struggle is the only thing similar to twilight now. They are not married with a child. She is not a vampire either. So not twilight. Not any more.

With that said it is not going up here because it has such a low fan base.

If you would like to review it pm me but it'll be a while.

I've also asked it to be locked/deleted.

Usually, the only place you can attach Word files in Advanced Critiques.

fine
but i really don't want to go there because not as many people go there.

Then you need to copy and paste the document into the Post New Topic box. If you click "edit" at the top of your post, you'll be able to copy and paste it into the text box.

With your other works, you posted the document as you did here, but unless you are going to post it in Advanced Critiques, it's customary to have all the text here, sa?

*Moved to Advanced Critiques*

I only edited the first two pages because I didn't want to have to repeat my self over the same mistakes. They generalize all the story's shortcomings, such as unrealistic situations, bad sentence structure, and an addiction to adding pointless 'fluff' sentences.

For one, your description was horrible. More like non-existent, really. I had NO idea where Ellen was in the beginning at all. I thought she was at a bus station at first, but suddenly it turned into a school by saying students were walking into the building ahead. You shouldn't over describe characters, of cours,e but you need to at least give something the reader can build off of and make an image. it can be as simple as "my wavy brown hair bouncing down the shoulders of my white t-shirt," or "We were at Cool High School, the big lobby building currently swamped with students." SOMETHING.

Also, you mess sup your own logic in the chapters and make events way more complicated than they have to be. When Ellen and Kass are at the gate Ellen apparently can't stop or she'll be trampled, but Jonsey is able to pull them both back and hold them there long enough so that the whole crowd sees and notices. Then it goes back to being a throng of students. You gave Ellen such an exaggerated smell after smelling the boy's scent, it made me wonder why anyone else in the gigantic crowd wasn't choking up.

You also like to add little details about doorstoppers the specific method Ellen breathes the scent, how Kass gets right up in Ellen's face for no real reason to tell her to smell it hoping it'll be somehow dramatic, or in other words, needless information that just bores the reader and breaks the flow of the writing.

The only part that really impressed me was your dialog. It sounded quite natural and amusing, save the moments where Kass was out of character and suddenly became this dramatic diva.

You should really show this to some more people, get some better advice from other sites beside YWS that might want to go through all 17 pages and give you some real in-depth critisism.

Well, below is the detailed review but I decided to do a little overall one too, so just bare with me

Plot

I felt you had a pretty good one going until the whole Edward Cullen thing slammed me in the gut. Seriously, this has so much potential. Just take out that tiny bit about Edward-vampire-new kid at school thing and you’ll be good.

Characters

All of them need to be expanded on. Right now, they all have the same simple personality. Give them some life! Make them unique!

I really hope this helps you and good luck with this!

Well, I read through it...

I'm not usually the type who gets really, really deep into analyzing and critiquing. I'm sorry that's what you really needed. The only thing that I'd complain about is not putting it in Times New Roman font or sizing the lettering up to 12, and double spacing...

So maybe I get entertained a little too easily. I won't say much other than it was fairly entertaining to read. Hopefully someone else can really point out what needs fixing.

yeah um... my bad. I guess it was more subconcious than intentional (new kid thing) but errr i'll leave that for later editing, i quite like it XD oh well.

Oh Ashleylee....
aboutt the tanning?

Tans shine if you slather on enough oil. I know enough tanning-lotion-addicts to know tanning lotion shines. haha. Kind of gross in some ways i guess.

Are you Stephanie Meyer?

Lol, gold eyes, gorgeous family?

I got bored after she said blonde hair works.

Are you Stephanie Meyer?

Lol, gold eyes, gorgeous family?

I got bored after she said blonde hair works.

This is really all dialouge. More discription would make this piece better and it needs more originality.

Your characters just seem like everyone elses, plain and boring.

I'm not saying they're perfect and that's what is making them boring, i'm saying they're not different, they have nothing to make us really like or really hate them.

And the new boy, he's such an Edward Cullen.

And Edward Cullen is boring, the only cool thing about him was that he stalked Bella, watched her in her sleep and would let her out of his sight, ever.

Make your characters interesting and I might consider reading it again.

*Locked by author's request*