Young Writers Society

This is an updated version from the original post "Fantasy Novel" I have made changes based on the critiques I have received and have also posted more. Critiques are greatly appreciated!

Okay Zoorah. As promised I have read the part that I didn't read last time, and also the newly added chapter. I have added comments and suggestions throughout the story, with in-depth critique following every chapter (and prologue). I really do hope that you will find it useful, as it doesn't seem like you made changes according to my first review. I have no intention of forcing my opinion onto your writing, but I do hope that you will consider the changes that I've made.

As with the other review, I'll summarize.

In general your plot has some original ideas, mixed with more generic descriptions (it's near impossible to write something 100% original, so that doesn't really matter). The story flows nicely, and the language is varied, though you do have some unfortunate repetitions.

Your choice of names is, as the plot, generally original, but when you move onto the clichés, you do it spectacularly (at least in my opinion). I have provided in-depth critique concerning the names too.

Your sentence structure is probably one of your main problems, as it tends to get a little confusing. Sometimes your minor sentences (I don't know the term. I searched Wikipedia) doesn't quite fit in, and it splits the main sentences in odd ways. Then, sometimes you do it right, and seemingly effortlessly.

Another problem is your punctuation. Quite often you mix up periods and commas, and with some fascinating results. Be very careful, as a misplaced comma can change the meaning of a sentence completely.

You also have a problem with spaces. After every single quotation (speech) you have a double-space. They also occur randomly throughout the rest of the text, only to be replaced with triple-spaces. I suspect that whatever program you are using is to blame, and that the triplets are YOUR double-spaces.


I hope that my review counts as "advanced critique", but even if it doesn't I hope that my time was not wasted. I sincerely hope that you can use any of the advice I've given you. I enjoyed both reading and reviewing it, but I cannot promise that I'll review the rest (though if I do read it, there's a chance )

You continue to say "Talking talking," so-and-so spoke. I think you mean said, or is that just something you did on purpose. It doesn't sound right to me.

Another grammar problem is tour usabe of nouns/adjectives, e.g. "bleak was on their faces" maybe you mean their faces were bleak or bleakness was on their faces.

You also should use commas at the end of your quotes, like "Talking talking," so-and-so said instead of "talking talking" so-and-so said. You do this repeatedly.

I think the plot is ok, but you need a little grammar work if you want to get published.