Young Writers Society

HI ^-^

Otaku here! I know it has been forever since i have posted anything from HSB, so i doubt if any of you remember it much. I have been editing this for what seems like months (I am currently on edit !12!). Huge improvements have been made, add details, story plot, characters, and making it, all and all, more realistic. I personally think this draft is about 250% better than the newest one i posted on YWS. Now, lets get down to business. I know this is long, but i think that it has enough pull to keep you reading. Please comment on that. I want you to ENJOY this! so, to make things easier, here are a few ideas:

~ please post a review (not a full, but like some comments) when you finish the first chapter, then again when you finish the third.

~ I know i need details! Some ideas on what to elaborate on and where to put is would be nice. Also, what would you like to know about?

~ You may be a little confused at the way i put dialogue in paragraphs. A rule of thumb is that the character that is the subject of the paragraph is the one that is speaking. Please tell me if you get confused or do not like it!

Here are a few quotes from critiques that i have received on this series in the past:

"Wow. This probably isn't going to help a lot, but I love your story. I think that it's interesting and believable. The action and the characters drew me in, and I couldn't stop. And that's awesome. So I'm going to read the other chapters now. Once again, awesome job!"
-Writing for love is a pas

"I think the stories got potential. As I said, I didn't find any flaws in your exposition. I noticed it draws a lot of inspiration from anime....I don't play MMOs anymore, and I watch very little anime. "
-Syte

"Nice description; I understand perfectly and I've felt this way many times before. You described it in a very vivid manner. Good job."
"Also, I like the way you built up Takato and Rena's relationship--it was very subtly done, and you showed how they became close over time without being cheesy. I can't pin down exactly what I like about it, but...suffice to say it has something to do with the understated way you did it. It just felt so...natural. Natural, yet oh so sweet. And I have no idea what I'm saying right now. >_> But well done.
"
-Bickazer

And now the thingy that tells you what it is supposed to be about:

Takato is a first year in high school. Three years ago, his parents vanished, leaving him only their huge house and a bank account. The only person he has told of this is Rena, a girl Takato met shortly after their disappearance.

One day, a strange phenomenon occurs at Rena and Takato’s school, and when Takato does everything in his power to protect Rena, both of them get caught in a war that has been hidden from humans for centuries.


And now for the first part, just to get you a bit more into it, because the preview sucked, in my opinion, lol.

"I was clueless back then.

I cannot believe half the things I did.

But I would not want to redo it.

“Why?” you may ask.

Because if I did and she found out…

She would never forgive me.

And if she wasn’t able to forgive me, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself"

ENJOY!!!!!!! YOU THERE! YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING IT ENOUGH!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!!! (just kidding around with you ^-^)

***Also, i will be happy to do a review in return for each chapter of my novel you review!!!***

*** Since some of you may not have Microsoft Word, i have uploaded many other versions of this document to my homesite. As long as you agree to not take credit for my stuff, here is the link to the post: http://romanceotaku.dotgamerclan.com/fo ... t=3&p=8#p8 ***

Yeah man...I'll get to this when I can. I just ask for some patience, as it will take me some time. I'll get back to you when I can.

No problem. But i am a man without much patience, so if you are going to take a while please update me, as i had said, when you finish the first chapter, then again when you finish the third. Sorry for stressing this, but i would like to hear of your impression at the time you make them.

Okay, I'll begin...not quite sure where to start, so I'll go with the dialogue first. Very well-handled for what it is worth. The dialogue propelled the story, which is obviously always a good thing.

You didn't get tied down in long, lengthy explanations about anything, which is wonderful, because I think too many writers do that nowadays. You were brief and to the point. The only real thing I think that bothered me was, in essence, a very small issue that won't take away much from the story. I think this at times sounds a little too personal. Now, when I say the word 'personal' I don't mean that you're investing your own life or personality into this; rather, I mean that your character seems to speak to the reader as if the events are happening at that MOMENT, and when I read it that way, it kinda distracts me from getting to the depth of the story.

That was my only real complaint here. If you can even call that a complaint, that is. Otherwise this is a good start to an interesting idea. I think the whole 'game'-ish thing being done with the story is a little distracting, like the personal way that protagonist speaks to the reader occasionally, but it's not too big a deal. I think you should keep pushing through with this story. It's quite good.

Thank you so much for your review ^-^!

I like writing in a sort of passed tense, but if you thought that the events were happening now (the way you capitalized it made me think of the word "suddenly") i really see no problem because i want to try to put you at the edge of your seat as much as possible, and not only for the action. Or did you not see it like that...??

My other question is, what exactly do you mean by "game-ish"? Was it just the fact that it included videogames? Or was it more that the plot seemed more like an anime or a game? I kinda understand that you can get the impression from various parts of the piece, but i really need to know things like where, and how did it affect the overall work? How exactly was it a problem?

Thanks ^-^,
~Otaku

Well, about the personal part, there'd be moments where, like the beginning, you're trying to describe something or a character, and instead of just doing so, you'd add in: "I think by now you are all wondering..." That's what I'm talking about. The part where you write "You are all wondering..." is unnecessary. You don't need to do it, that's all I'm pointing out.

As for the 'game'-ish parts, well, I'm just talking about the special abilities that are revealed in the later chapters. The way those whole parts are written sound like they could've come from a board game. I'm not saying the abilities are an issue; rather, the way they are described is something you might want to consider rewriting. Like I said, it's not too big an issue, but with some readers, it might cause distraction.

If you need any further clarification or anything else let me know.

Ah yes, the abilities. I knew that i had trouble on that part, and i deleted a whole paragraph of unneeded explanation. its getting better, and thanks for mentioning it needs more work. ^-^

You're welcome. Keep at it.

Hey! Okay so here’s where I stand after the first chapter. I think you should get rid of those seven lines at the very beginning. They add nothing to the story and they just strike me as being over-dramatic and unnecessary.

Characters

You’ve got some good, natural dialogue worked into this story and I’m loving your characters. There’s not really much more I want to say on that except Rena is perhaps the least defined and dull of all of them which strikes me as odd because she’s clearly important.

Grammar

You should read through this carefully to pick out your typos and such but on the whole, you’ve got a good grasp of how to use grammar. You use ‘elder’ where it should say older a page or two in and further on, it should be a few rather than afew. I’ll not point everything out though because I think they’re just over-sights, read it through and you’ll find them.

Narrative Tone

I think what I like best about your writing is that there’s a very smooth and easy narrative tone. It’s very easy to like him because of that which is great but the trouble is, it breaks the atmosphere. When everything is discussed or outlined in such an easy voice, the reader finds themselves with a rather monotone view of the storyline. You need to alter his voice slightly in times of greater action or when he’s stressed. Show us how the other characters are affecting him through the way he talks to us. For example, he tells us that Zack’s comment is irritating us in the same tone that he describes breakfast. There’s something wrong there XD Varying sentence length helps: you need some short, choppy sentences in there.

Realism

At the beginning, why should Rena be eating breakfast while she waits for him? Surely she did not realise she would need to wake him until he didn’t meet at their usual point. Therefore, she should have eaten breakfast at her house, yes? It’s fine for her to be munching an extra piece of toast or to be snacking on sweets but breakfast isn’t realistic. The other thing I wondered about is toward the end when Rena tells him that he slept for more than a day. Clearly you’re trying to give the impression that she stayed by his bed the whole time or at least in his house, right? Well in that case, shouldn’t she be awful tired? Or at least a little sleepy? Think about that, it might be a more subtle way to suggest she was worried and there the entire time too.

How could I have known that this day would change me forever; that my life would never be the same? That the people I had known for years were not who or what I thought they were, and that my influence could change, save, and hurt those both close to me and those I had never even met? The people I would meet! The experiences! If only I knew it all from "the beginning"... but, sadly, I didn't. I had no idea. Not a clue.

You don’t do fore-shadowing very well so I’d suggest you don’t bother with it. The reader’s hooked enough without it so really, don’t bother. It would be a greater impact if it were a surprise, if it came unexpectedly.

That’s all for now. Well done on an excellent start and I’ll drop by again in a few chapter’s time xx

Thank you for your kind review of Chapter 1.

I knew Rena was not that well developed early, for originally, well, i had her kinda be a surprise. How does that work? Well, obviously, it didn't, ^-^. Thanks for making me aware of her lack of colour.

Though i am unsure of a true difference between "elder" and "older", this draft added many words that were by themselves. I'm guessing it is those added words that are the problem. I thought i got most of the typos out.... T_T

Thanks for the sentence length tip.

To tell you the truth, i just added the morning part, and didn't realize it. I will make sure to fix that. Also, i never really thought about what Rena was doing while Takato was knocked out...

Does that mean i should just ill the paragraph?

Thanks yet again,
~Otaku

No it didn't work as a surprise but now that you've said that, I can see where you might have been coming from. Maybe try more for a hint of mystery than lacking in personality?

The difference between elder and older is actually quite simple. A house is older. A friend is older. A brother or sister, or other close family member is elder. Here's a sentence with both in that works: My elder sister is two years older than me. What I'm trying to demonstrate with this is that you couldn't really say my brother is two years elder than me. It has to be elder brother. I hope that makes sense?

As to the last question, yes I think you should get rid of that paragraph.

Heather xx

Yep, thanks. and will do.

I promise I'll get around to reviewing this (all five chapters, if I can), but currently I'm in finals-studying mode for school. Once school gets out on Thursday, I'll be free to review as much as I like.

Just thought to say beforehand; but definitely expect a review around Thursday-ish.

Here's a review of the first chapter, at least. Sorry it comes with everything else that's unreviewed...>_>

This is probably the most in-depth review I've ever given; I don't have much to say beyond what I pointed out in the file itself. My biggest issues are Rena and the narrative tone; like the previous reviewers stated, I feel that Rena's somewhat flat and colorless as of now. Work a little on making her a more well-rounded character; if you'd like, you could frequent the "Character Development" group, as that group has really helped me develop all my characters.

The narrative tone was usually fine--I liked the casual and distinct voice you gave Takato--but there were times when it was inconsistent. Like, sometimes you'd be inappropriately formal or inappropriately too casual. And I'd advise shorter, choppier sentences to convey his emotional state when the other boy attacked the school.

One last thing: I feel that the confrontation scene ended rather anticlimactically. I know you had to end it for story purposes with Takato fainting, but right now the fainting feels rather random and misplaced. Perhaps give some indication of his magical powers--? Like have him see a flash of green right before he faints...that'd help show something unusual is happening and he's not just fainting from shock. And it might also plant some seeds for him to believe Rena...

I do think this is an interesting story, and I appreciate that you leapt right to the action instead of taking forever to build up to the interesting parts. The first chapter already has a very good air of mystery, and like I said before I enjoy reading Takato and Rena's relationship. Although I realized midway through reading the story that I don't know how old your characters are, so maybe find a place to put that in. And I'm still rather confused about where this story is set...

I look forward to reading more, though. It'll take some time because I'm working on my own novel right now (and my parents are getting all demonic about me studying for the SAT II's...). But I will get around to all five chapters eventually.

I feel so stupid. i read your review like five days ago, and have been checking back periodically since before then, but just noticed that you had a add on with it (didnt notice i wasnt signed in). So i will read it and post my questions/comments here (as in, i'll edit this post).

Thanks again ^-^.
~Otaku

Edit:

Wow, it must of taken you forever to do that! I am in your debt...

now, my questions/comments on your questions/comments ^-^

- You say things are "Awkward" all the time. Does that mean the sentence sounds awkward, or the situations is awkward, or both/either or