Young Writers Society

::Misapprehension 1:: (edited)

I woke up in a cold sweat with a gasp. Something was happening, I didn’t know what and I didn’t know why but inside myself a change was happening, and some creature was coming. My eyes shone with the color of the red moon outside my window and that was when I remembered. Tonight was a total lunar eclipse over the full moon. I had a very bad feeling about what was going to come next.


There came a change of sensation in my right arm as I stared at my ceiling. Not knowing what it was I was afraid to look in case it was something horrible happening to me. I began to feel the same thing happen in my left hand. What was going on with me?


Just as panic started to overtake me Yuna’s calming voice floated to me over a sea of pain and fear. ‘Calm down Razi. You’re only shifting.’


I may be a lycan but that doesn’t mean I was ready to hear that little jewel. Shifting? I was shifting?! I wasn’t supposed to be able to shift for at least another year, let alone be able to even think of attempting it for another few months. For that matter I didn’t even know what I changed into! How could I possibly be shifting?


‘W-what do you mean Yuna…’ I questioned as terror overcame me once more. I could feel the icy sweat pour over my body as the change continued to happen.


Again, her voice soothed me, ‘It’s only a side-effect of the lunar eclipse. It will pass soon. Don’t worry Razi; you’re going to be ok. I promise.’


‘You promise? You really promise?’ I couldn’t help but keep my voice from turning to a slight whine as the odd sensations continued up my arm. Concentrating on my right forearm I realized that I was growing fur, but I couldn’t feel any claws on my hand which I thought to be odd since most animals with fur had some sort of claws. What sort of freak did I turn into?!


Yuna was inside my head so I knew she could hear every one of these thoughts that I was having since I was unable to block her out; she knew just what to say to me. ‘Of course I promise sweetheart. Everything’s going to be all better soon. I promise.’ She drew my mind into our special mental plane away from all my past lives and hugged me tightly. I shivered with fear in her arms and clung to her desperately. She was my one lifeboat in this storm and I was not going to let her go until it was all over.


As the overwhelming comfort of floating in the purple and azure aura of our mental plane met me she smoothed back my hair and shushed me gently, ‘Everything will be fine Razz,’ her use of my nickname calmed me slightly. ‘Tell you what,’ she coaxed, ‘I want you to focus on my voice, my voice only. Do you think you can do that?’ I nodded. ‘Good girl.’


As soon as I made that promise to her a wave of pain crashed over my body and I screamed inside my mind, clutching her tightly. My mind was reeling and if my body had been standing up I’m sure that I would have collapsed. Each of my organs seemed to be shrinking in on themselves and folding in half. I didn’t know if this was a normal part of shifting or not. I didn’t even know if I was in my mind or had projected myself outward, or if I was even still conscious. All I could focus on was this immense pain. I had felt nothing like it, not even when I used to get jumped as a child on the streets of my hometown in California.


‘Stay with me!’ Yuna’s voice cut through all the pain and discomfort to rip me back to our plane. She had shifted herself into her half wolf, half lycan form and was holding me up. I wasn’t sure what she was doing but I began to feel better and my arms felt normal once more.


Looking up at her in confusion I saw a shadow of pain cross her features. What exactly was she doing? I was too young to understand all of the secrets of my race but I definitely knew that she was doing something to me to make all this pain go away. Before I could question her any on the matter she kissed my head and sent me away into my normal mental plane with a whispered, ‘Sleep little sister…you’ll need it.’

I enjoyed this despite not reading the introduction. I think you're writing shows a lot of potential and I would be happy to read more.

Something was happening, I didn’t know what and I didn’t know why but something was happening, something was coming

The repetition of the word 'something' doesn't work all that well. Your first sentence was great and then this one seems to cut short the drama and waffle slightly. Consider re-phrasing?

I mean shifting?

This was a bit of an American teenager sounding thing to put in. Perhaps just 'Shifting?' would work?

As Yuna was inside my head she could hear every one of these thoughts that I was having at the moment since I was unable to block her out, so she knew just what to say to me.

'As' and 'so' seem to drag this sentence down into info dumping. Break it up a bit and let it fit into the rest of the chapter as neatly as previous sentences.

Other than that all I can say is that I'd like a bit more description. You're description over pain etc is good but I'd like to see colours, textures and just generally more.

Overall a great piece and if you'd like me to crit any more than just pm me.

Alainna
xx

Ah I so love this story.
I'm doing my own lichen story. It's based on a series of dreams over an expansion of about three years.

Check it out is you like

Wow that was really good!


"I couldn’t help[but keep] my voice from turning to a slight whine as the odd sensations continued up my arm."


Besides that it flowed well, and I was pulled in...I'm a bit jealous I didn't know you were such a good writer !


Can't wait to see more!


-

SassyLady

Very well done. There's nothing for me to say since everyone else has done it, but it wasn't much anyway.
I especially like the way you described her pain and feelings. It was very well written.
Someone said you need to describe the other stuff more, but, for the most part, I think that's only able to apply to Yuna's and Razz's personal place. Tell us what its like. Is it a forest? A village? A mountain top? Or are they floating in nothingness?
Other than that it I really like it. Keep PM'ing me for the updates.

Ok guys thanks so much for your help. I've edited it accordingly and put in just a tiny description of the mental plane. There will be more explaining it to come, promise. Once again, thanks so much for your help!

*moves to Fantasy Fiction*

Ahem. Moving on. Again, apologies for taking so long.

Question: Your introduction doesn't seem to connect with this. Does it at any point?

Not knowing what it was I was afraid

Comma after the first "was."

*Random note* Your sentence fluency is a little off -- it'd be best if you varied your sentence length. Makes for an easier read.

I was shifting?!

Urgh. Double punctuation like that bugs me to no end. It looks highly amateurish and unprofessional. Get rid of the second one.

you’re going to be ok.

Okay*

her half wolf, half lycan form

Isn't that the same thing?

Personally, I still feel confused. What exactly is going on? Like I've said before, you need to work on your description. Setting seems to be a fatal flaw for you as well. Where is your character? RIght now she seems to be floating in space. I'd like to see some more sensory and setting description, okay? Work on that as I go critique the next bit!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I swear I listen to you all, I do, I do! Here's my revision of chapter 1. I hope you all like it better than the first draft.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up in a cold sweat with a gasp. Something was wrong, I didn’t know what and I didn’t know why but inside myself a change was happening, and some creature was coming. My eyes shone with the color of the red moon outside my window and that was when I remembered. Tonight was a total lunar eclipse over the full moon. I had a very bad feeling about what was going to come next.

Goosebumps rose across my flesh as my panic increased. I had never before experienced a lunar eclipse as a lycan so I had no idea what to expect. Would I lose the precious amount of control over my disease that I had claimed so far? Nothing was scarier to me, well, almost nothing.


There came a change of sensation in my right arm as I stared at my ceiling, it was almost as if I was growing, like the dark brown hair that covered my still tanned skin was creeping over the edge of my arm and around to the other side. Not knowing what it was I was afraid to look in case what I feared deep down inside me was actually taking place. I began to feel the same thing happen in my left hand as if the hair that covered my body had a mind of its own. What was going on with me?


Just as hysteria started to overtake my normally blank mind Yuna’s calming voice floated to me over a sea of pain and fear. Calm down Razi. You’re only shifting.


I may be a lycan but that doesn’t mean I was ready to hear that little jewel...especially since it was one of the things that I feared above all else. Shifting? I was shifting?! I wasn’t supposed to be able to shift for at least another year, let alone be able to even think of attempting it for another few months. For that matter I didn’t even know what I changed into! How could I possibly be shifting?


W-what do you mean Yuna… I questioned as terror overcame me once more. I could feel the icy sweat pour over my body as my hair continued to creep across my skin, enveloping me in its warm cocoon.


Again, her slimy and normally treacherous voice soothed me, It’s only a side-effect of the lunar eclipse. It will pass soon. Don’t worry Razi; you’re going to be ok. I promise.


You promise? You really promise? I couldn’t help but allow my voice to turn to a slight whine as the odd creeping sensations continued up my arm and towards my torso. Concentrating on my right forearm I realized that I was growing fur, but I couldn’t feel any claws on my hand, which I thought to be odd since most animals with fur had some sort of claws. What sort of freak did I turn into?!


Yuna was inside my head so I knew she could hear every one of these thoughts that I was having; she knew just what to say to me. I had never been able to block her from me, not even from my deepest of secrets, the ones that I wouldn’t even admit to myself. Of course I promise sweetheart. Her voice reminded me of my older cousin, soothing and strong at the same time. Her hand smoothed back the wet hair from my brow as she cooed, Everything’s going to be all better soon. I promise. Drawing my mind into our special mental plane away from all my past lives she hugged me tightly. I shivered with fear in her arms and clung to her desperately. She was my one lifeboat in this storm and I was not going to let her go until it was all over.

The dark miasma of our special place floated about us and kept us aloft as I buried my face in her darkly colored jerkin. The fluid that surrounded us did not seep into our pores but instead coated us in a cool bath of nothingness, comforting in its own way. An absence of smell, sensation, and nature sounds would travel and echo against unseen edges, enveloping you in your own words, making every sentence uttered meaningful and strong.


As the overwhelming comfort of being buoyed in the purple and azure aura of our mental plane met me she smoothed back my dark chocolate hair and shushed me gently, Everything will be fine Razz, her use of my special nickname calmed me slightly, the familiarity of it reminding me that I could be safe with her. Tell you what, she coaxed, I want you to focus on my voice, my voice only. Do you think you can do that? I nodded, concentrating in on her already. Good girl.


As soon as I made that promise to her a wave of piercing pain crashed over my body and I screamed inside my mind, gritting my teeth in the human world to keep from crying out, and clutching her tightly among the miasma of our mental plane. My mind was reeling and if my body had been standing up I’m sure that I would have collapsed. Each of my organs seemed to be shrinking in on themselves and folding in half. I didn’t know if this was a normal part of shifting or not. I didn’t even know if I was in my mind or had projected myself outward, or if I was even still conscious. All I could focus on was this immense pain. I had felt nothing like it, not even when I used to get jumped as a child on the streets of my hometown in California.


Stay with me! Yuna’s voice cut through all the pain and discomfort to rip me back to our plane of nothingness. She had shifted herself into her half wolf, half human form and was holding me up. The smell of lilacs from her lotion was strong, filling my nose and crushing my senses. Her arms wrapped tighter around me as if the squeeze the fragrance back out of me and into the nothingness to be absorbed. A dull sense overcame me and I realized after countless lifetimes that there was no longer any pain. I wasn’t sure what she was doing but I began to feel better and my arms felt normal once more, no longer did I sense my hair moving to cocoon my body.


Looking up at her in confusion I saw a shadow of pain dart across her features, marring that porcelain face if only for an instant. What exactly was she doing? I was too young to understand all of the secrets of my race but I definitely knew that she was doing something to make all this pain go away. Before I could question her any on the matter she kissed my head and sent me away into my normal mental plane with a whispered, Sleep little sister…you’ll need it. My mind shut down around me and I slipped into a deep slumber.

To Edit an entry, go up to the top and click 'EDIT'. Don't post the ENTIRE thing again. blah. Other than that teeney little thing, you REALLY


NEED MORE DESCRIPTIONS!

I woke up in a cold sweat with a gasp.

You're trying to describe way too much. I think you should seperate this into two sentences. First one describes her waking with a gasp, the second describes her in her bed, sweating.

Something was happening, I didn’t know what and I didn’t know why but inside myself a change was happening, and some creature was coming.

Same mistake, you're trying to cram too much into one sentence. Split it up into two sentences. One describing her detecting something happening; one describing her dread.

My eyes shone with the color of the red moon outside my window and that was when I remembered. Tonight was a total lunar eclipse over the full moon. [s]I had a very bad feeling about what was going to come next.[/s]

I got rid of the sentence because the mention of the lunar eclipse should give the reader a creepy feeling. That sentence doesn't amplify that feeling at all, so it's useless. I think the first sentence can be split into two sentences for greater effect

Just as panic started to overtake me Yuna’s calming voice floated to me over a sea of pain and fear. ‘Calm down Razi. You’re only shifting.’


I may be a lycan but that doesn’t mean I was ready to hear that little jewel. Shifting? I was shifting?! I wasn’t supposed to be able to shift for at least another year, let alone be able to even think of attempting it for another few months. For that matter I didn’t even know what I changed into! How could I possibly be shifting?

There is a contradiction. If she is a lycan, then the whole "shifting" thing should be familiar to her. Not comfortable, not wanted, but not scary. It would only be scary the first few times, after that she'd either get over it or go to a psych ward. So maybe the experience isn't so scary for her, or maybe she's dreading it even as it's happening.

Hello! Once again, I'm not going to bother with grammar; I'll leave that to someone with more time.

A few basic questions you should clarify: Where is she? Who is Yuna, exactly? Is she annoying or kind, or both, like a sister? What's happening to Razi? How's it feel? Does her stomach knot, are the needles in her arms? What's this mental plane, and how does she get there? How does she hug Yuna? Is Yuna in her mind, or does she exist somewhere?

Of course, you need to leave some things for later, but you do need to show us some things. Where she is, what the mental plane is, and what it feels like are the main things. Just remember; while you have this chapter in your head and can picture it perfectly, we know nothing of it. Come back to this in a while and re-read it from our perspective. What needs work? Fix them.

Good idea, but not enough clarification for me to understand what's happening. I suggest putting more before this. Have her at home, relaxing. Show us how calm she is. Have her go to bed, not being able to sleep, then slowly shifting. Build up her character before you do something to her; right now, I could care less if she was scared.

Good luck! PM me with any questions!

~JFW1415