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The Prophecy Maker



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Tue Jul 19, 2011 5:10 am
BerlynnRae says...



I looked around the shack I shared with my older sister, the Great Witch Mimics. She had probably left to gather pond scum for a poison to slip to some unfortunate beggar or merchant. Maybe she had gone to explore new shops and cheat people for things she wanted. Who knew what she was doing these days. I walked carefully on her tidy side of the shack. Mine was always dreadfully messy and welcomed a home for needed items such as lice and rats. Hers was orderly. I tiptoed past her bed. She had been gone all day yesterday and returned late last night. I had pretended I was asleep. She probably knew better but didn't disturb me. I watched her as she created a room, hidden in the wall. I eyed her as dropped her stash, she must have been ignorant to dismiss that she was living under the same roof with another witch. She returned to bed with out a sound. She was absent when I awoke, thankfully. I would find out what she was up all night in that strange room. I looked over my shoulder for her but the warning chime that rang when someone was near didn't got off.

"How foolish, sister dear." I whispered. I swept my hand over the wooden wall. "Reveal all things." I said closing my eyes. The wall shifted and revealed a single hole the width of a door and concealed in cloth. I pulled the cloak away and in the room was a round ball resting on a table. I gasped and eagerly bowed to the stone. I knew of this pure rock, this white gem. It was the Orb of Prophecy. Not only could one see the future. One could change it. How inconsiderate of her to not inform me of such power. I looked it in my hands, feeling the light rippling from it. I peered into the Orb. It was the future. I closed my eyes then opened them. The white clouds became even and a young girl emerged, she was playing harmlessly in the sandy road weaving flower steams together. I felt as if I stood next to her.

"Melina!" Someone called. The girl turned and a scar marked her right eye down to her jaw bone.

"Coming Mummy." She called back. The girl raced into her house. The mother stood in the threshold with another woman. I walked toward them, knowing that they couldn't see me. It was the future and to my knowledge of the Orb, only I could wander invisible.

"She's not doing well," Said the one woman, "She isn't following rules or respecting guild lines. I think she feels she is above them"

"Well, maybe she is." Said the mother defensively, "My daughter is bright. She knows when she is being used, being lied to." The woman stepped down off the porch and onto the road.

"May I remind you that to be considered to be part of the kings servants she must be accepted into The Hall." She shook her head smiling, "She is just not the material."

"Thank you. But we'll see if she needs The Hall."

"Yes, we'll see." The woman walked away. The mother walked into the house and I wandered in before she shut the door. They entered the kitchen sluggishly.

"What did they say Mummy?" Asked Melina. The mother shook her head and went to a bowl of water to wash her hands off.

"Sweets, they said that it would be better if you didn't go." The mother didn't look at her child's eyes as they filled with tears. Melina's lips trembled and a single drop of water slipped from her milky blue eyes.

"Mummy..."The girl wined, her mother pivoted on her heels and bent down towards the child to embrace her.
"If I got accepted could Daddy come home?" The mother pulled away to look at her eyes.

"I don't know" She pulled a piece of hair away from the girls face. "I can't say Melina." The girl nodded and it became silent.



"What are you doing?" A voice called out to me. It was from a distance. The vision became blurred and suddenly I was back in the shack. I looked up at Mimics. She held disapproving look, her foot tapped impatiently.

"What?"

"You heard me. What are you doing?" She eyed the orb.

"You've been hiding this from me." I accused. She shook her head, her long white hair shimmered in the light of the setting sun.

"It doesn't matter. This is one of the most powerful kinds of magic."

"I'm just looking at the future." I countered.

"Oh, and what did you see? Someone in need?" She penetrated me with her gaze. "Mimphus, this is dangerous stuff. Its addicting. Its re-writing fate. Fighting destiny."

"Trust me."

"I do." I followed Mimics out of the room. She swept her hand over the covered room. It instantly faded into the rest of the wall. I was always envious of my sisters powers. She could just move her fingers and start a fire or start the rainfall. I had to repeated, out loud, complex spells and chants. I would get the Orb. She would not stop me.



I woke later that night, the crickets chirping had startled me. I looked at the bed next to me. Looking for Mimics sleeping but she was gone. I sat up in alarm.

"Mimics?" I whispered. Fear shot through me. I looked at her bed and on it was a small note informing me that she went to kingdom, would be back by sunrise . I scrambled to the wall where i knew the room was.
"Reveal all things" I chanted. Nothing happened.

"So, sister, you don't trust me." I murmured. Then I chanted a spell, danced to the chime of the words as if they were music. I drew ruins in the air until the very spot where my fingers touched sparked with magic. It would burst then shimmy to the ground and catch the wood or the ceremonial robes. The flame chewed into the material until it could jump to another. It leaped to the walls and the high roof.

"Now you won't think of hiding magic from me again." I mocked. Then I walked out into the forest. I sat on a rock a dozen feet away as everything burned. History books spilling with old magic on fevers and warts. Journals of deceased witches and there tricks. The legacy they left for others. Other like Memics and I. The fire started dying around the time the first drops of sun spilled into the now charred residence. I stumbled over to the burnt remains something sparkled. I kicked a piece of ply wood away and the ash covered Orb was there untainted. I took it and launched a spell I had always been good at. The spell of deception. I knew I could walk for hours undetected, blending into the forest but I chose to sit on a small boulder. I looked into the ball the prophecy, begging it to repeat the same as before. It did. Then the woman spoke,

"May I remind you that to be considered to be part of the kings servants she must be accepted into The Hall." I twisted my gnarled fingers over her face, "She is perfect for my material."

"You think so?" The mother asked confused.

"Of course. I will pick her up tomorrow." She stated and walked off. I proudly followed the mother in, knowing that I wouldn't see little Melina cry this time.

"Melina they accepted you." The mother said excitedly.

"I don't want to go Mummy." She pleaded. The mother shook her head. The girl looked over and met my eyes.
"There liars Mummy." She gazed at me, or in my direction. "They want to trick us."
"Melina!"The mother scolded, "You've been wanting this and now your not going?"
"I will go." Melina said jumping off a stool as her mother muttered, waved her away. She approached me looking right into my eyes. Her were a milky blue.


"Mimphus!" My sister shouted. The noise of her voice shoving me away from the orb. I was back in the forest, not ten feet away from her. She jumped into the blackened home. "Mimphus?" She tore apart the bedding that had remained frantically searching for me. She then crawled to the pots of chemicals and ingredients. She stood, "No body..." She gasped the went to the 'secret room' that had been ripped apart by the fire. "It's gone." The she looked around, "Memphus!"She yelled, "If you can hear me." She looked away from me. "If you can see me." She mumbled. "Know this! That stolen magic! That innocent magic! Is not yours and will bring much danger to you. I can't find you. I can't even feel you. My heart tells me your alive. Do you want a prophecy?" She continued, progressively getting louder, "You will leave from here alone. Even more, you will die alone." She then nodded in my direction, drew runes in the air and disappeared.

"Some prophecy." I smirked.
Then I peered into my new found friend again. This time, what the orb showed me was night. Bright stars glittered in the sky making the ground glow. It was outside the small cottage that the girl and her mother shared. Someone slid open a window and a hooded figure stepped out holding a basket. The moonlight hit the face of Melina. She crept to the side of the porch, it wined under her weight. She quickly looked around as a dog barked. She scurried past a tall tree as a dog ran to her and grabbed the tail of her cloak with its teeth. She pivoted and the dog let go.
"I'm sorry to be leaving Tinny," She coaxed the animal,"Mother wants me to go to that dreadful school." Tinny nudged her knee and she responded by petting it behind the ears.
"I only said I wanted to go because that's what Mother wanted, I tried so hard not to get in Tinny. Why did I?" She wondered as the dog softy yapped.
"You're right. I doesn't matter now because I was accepted. They were going to take me away to the awful school where one learns etiquette." She mocked the last word and her dog yapped again and wagged its tail. "I'll miss you Tinny. But I must find my father, Mother says she misses him but I know he was framed." She bent down and hugged Tinny softy.
"Goodbye." Then she let go and ran away under the stars.


I pulled myself out of the prophecy. It was sunset and I knew the girl would be planning on leaving. But how sad her mother would be at her absence. I could and would change that. I looked back into the orb forcing it to replay the event. I waited until Melina hugged her dog, Tinny, softy for the last time. She whispered "Goodbye" in his ears. I crunched my knuckles next to the dogs ear and it started barking furiously, howling and jumping in the way of the young girl every time she tried to escape. That would teach her to run away.

Then I tugged myself away. Satisfied. It was dusk and the girl would stay home and go to the school. She would get what she asked for. Acceptance. I fell asleep to the distant sound of a barking dog.

A drop of dew landed on my nose and I remembered that I would be without my sister and our little shack I had called home. I searched the ground, smelling it like an animal. I found a bush, I swept my hands over it mumbling and pointing to the sun. The bush instantly grew fruit that didn't belong on bushes. I plucked an apple and gnawed on it wondering what had happened to the girl. Hoping that she would just go The Hall and be the kings great servant. I picked the orb up and sat it on my lap. I inhaled and leaped into the prophecy.

"Let me go!" Melina shouted as the guards stalked off with her. She was kicking and screaming as they shoved her into a carriage. It was mid-day and dirt stuck to the sweaty heads of the peasants.
Someone whispered,"Whose she?"
Another answered, "She? Well don't you know. Her father was put in prison for stealing from the king."
"Well what's she doing there?"
"She apparently tried to run away, which isn't the worst part. You know that young playful mutt?"
"Ah, yes the farmers."
"Well they say she drove it mad. They think she possessed it and there are accusations on her for witchcraft."
"You don't believe that rubbish do you?"
"Well, maybe. But I can't see how that creature got all riled up. Tinny is such a nice pup." The first nodded in agreement.
The girl wailed as the carriage took off toward the palace. I looked closely at the path of the horses pulling it. A tavern door opened and a drunk stumbled out. He stumbled and spit curses as the bottle he held grew empty from missing his mouth. Then he collapsed in the way of the moving carriage. It instantly stopped and the knights guarding Melina rushed to see if the man had been injured. Melina poked her head out the back and leaped out the carriage into the crowd. She clambered into a store full of dresses as the knights realized she had gone.
"After her! Find her!" The knights scrambled into the pubs and shops. They were fools not to look at the nearest shop.
I followed the girl it, watching as she picked up a violet gown. She danced to a mirror holding a purple dress to her neck and swinging it around as little girls do. I stood behind her invisible, watching.
"My father was framed you know." She spoke. "They say he stole something of value. They lie" She placed the dress back and picked up another that was a deep crimson, she tossed it aside for a sky blue. "He was blamed for stealing a rock that tells the future" She held the dress up, examining it. "I didn't think such things were true until I realized I was being watched." She turned to me. Staring at me with her milky blue eyes.
"Your not the only witch." She spoke quietly. Then she raised her hands and touched me. It hurled me pre-maturely from the bridge of the future and the past. I gasped and looked at the Orb, sighing. It was just the future. I was still in the forest. I smiled as I looked at my prize. Then it started cracking. Slowly first then faster until it exploded in thick shards. Shattering into sharp deadly pieces. I inhaled and I looked down. A large piece was wedged in my gut another in my chest. I looked around for Mimics, then thought of her prophecy. I am not the author of a story, as I thought I was. I am but an onlooker. Melina is not my pawn to play with. I chuckled as I realized that she was not my character but a person. I laughed as the blood oozed from my chest and dripped onto my lap staining the cream colored part of my apple. It was true, what Mimics said; I was dying alone because I had re-written fate.
Last edited by BerlynnRae on Fri Jul 22, 2011 3:30 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 5:11 am
BerlynnRae says...



Its exactly 1999 characters long. The contest form said 2000 characters
  





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Wed Jul 20, 2011 8:36 pm
MasterGrieves says...



This is a good entry for the contest, though you have missed out one word out, but really that's for picky people. It was good for a fantasy. All the elements are there: the weird groups of people, the creepy settings, the intruiging characters. One possible suggestion is to maybe vary your sentence structures so they fit different parts of the scene. Other than that, a really good effort. Keep up the good work.
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Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:01 am
BerlynnRae says...



So are you judging the contest?
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 10:47 pm
Master_Yoda says...



Hello Berlynn

Before I begin my review I want to request on behalf of myself and perhaps a whole bunch of other people that you go through your story and edit out the typos and grammatical errors. There are tense switches and missing and extra apostrophes and omitted words. There are misspellings and ambiguities. You need to sharpen this to make it legible.

Now I can comment on the actual content.

To be honest, reading this piece was tedious and I quickly lost interest. You need to work on hooking me, defining a progression within your story, and identifying the stake early. Most importantly, though, you need to eliminate the baggage that weighs down your prose.

The less you write, the more you say. People like to listen to what's necessary. Nothing more and nothing less. For example even within your first paragraph,
I looked around the shack I shared with my older sister, the Great Witch Mimics. She had probably left to gather pond scum for a poison to slip to some unfortunate beggar or merchant. Maybe she had gone to explore new shops and cheat people for things she wanted. Who knew what she was doing these days. I walked carefully on her tidy side of the shack. Mine was always dreadfully messy and welcomed a home for needed items such as lice and rats. Hers was orderly. I tiptoed past her bed. She had been gone all day yesterday and returned late last night. I had pretended I was asleep. She probably knew better but didn't disturb me. I watched her as she created a room, hidden in the wall. I eyed her as dropped her stash, she must have been ignorant to dismiss that she was living under the same roof with another witch. She returned to bed with out a sound. She was absent when I awoke, thankfully. I would find out what she was up all night in that strange room. I looked over my shoulder for her but the warning chime that rang when someone was near didn't got off.

In this paragraph, you seemingly have no cause for looking around the room. You should therefore not do it. Furthermore, while you need to tell us that your sister is mischievous. All you need for that is the line about the poison. The rest is baggage. The description of the room is unnecessary. And while you explain this, you don't tell us what her stash is. You also omit a whole bunch of explanation that is necessary like her being scared her sister would find out. Like how looking over her shoulder has anything to do with a warning chime.

As the story progresses, things don't improve.

You have no cause and effect and sequence. You need to remember to tell us everything we need to know. You need to remember to omit everything we don't need to know.

I think these are the major things worth pointing out here.

Have a great one!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:20 pm
JabberHut says...



Hi, Berlynn! Happy Review Day! :D

So this is a pretty awesome idea. I think you've got a great story growing in your mind! There are some points which need polishing, and I'll mention a couple of them here, but you're on the right track, so that's cool! :D

Firstly, the intro was really packed down with information, specifically the first two paragraphs. I didn't even meet the character before so many things started happening! There was no time for it all to sink in. D: There was Melina and the sister and so much travelling and sneaking around and *flail*. I was so confused. Work on your hook there! Maybe shorten the paragraphs/split them up or just completely rewrite them to make it more pleasing to read.

When she discovered the Prophecy Orb, she told us what it was... and that was it. D: I was so confused as to why she was really interested in it. I mean, yes! It's pretty freaking cool. But I don't know Melina, I don't know her sister, and I've no idea why this Orb is so important to them. I wish I did. D: It would build some character for the two witches, and the readers would get more involved with the story. There were many moments like this where explanations were never given, and it made the reader/me flail with confusion. XD So when you edit, read it as an outsider who doesn't know all the details you do. It'll help you understand where all the confusion is coming from!

There was one spot where I thought the mom was a bit harsh in telling Melina she wasn't accepted. Not very motherly. D: This kinda goes with some of the dialogue in the piece. It's a bit abrupt, but dialogue plays a huge part in characterization. Try to make that more believable for each character!

And at the end, there was a dress-dancing moment that seemed entirely random. Especially since she was, like, being chased. xD I don't know. There were moments in the story where I was unsure as to if we're in the Prophecy Orb or real life. I think that's an italics-fail though, and not your fault either. Posting gets weird about making the italics work.

Aside from the grammar mistakes, those are mainly the points I have to say. They can go for more than one spot in the story, depending. So really, you need an edit! A thorough edit. Good luck in the contest! :D

Keep writing!

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I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
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