Young Writers Society

I turned to see what room I had hide in, the chairs and desks where stacked against the walls. In the centre of the whole room was a large mirror. I frowned, that shouldn’t be there. Why would it be there in the first place? The room wasn’t locked, so it wasn’t all that important, so why was it there?

There was writing engraved on the mirror’s frame, I stepped closer to inspect it.

The mirror of Erised

My eyes met my reflections, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I was gorgeous, my crooked teeth were perfect white and straight, my face free of blemishes. My skin wasn’t tanned from years in the sun, but pale and smooth. In the dim light, I could see that my brown eyes were bright shimmering blue pools. My fuzzy, curly hair was darker, with just the right amount of curls passing my shoulders.

Someone came into existence behind me, their face above my shoulder. Blonde hair and hazel eyes, sharpened by shadows.

You’re beautiful. His lips mouthed, he looked mildly surprised, and looking at my new face with me.

“Adam!” I squeaked, turning to look over my shoulder. How did he know I was here?

No one, I turned back to the mirror. He stood behind me still like a ghost, I felt his presence, but not the touch of his hand on my shoulder. One hand stretched out to touch the mirror while the other to my cheek, I could still feel the flaws, the bumps of pimples and the slight hair above my lip.

“It’s not real.” I mumbled, heartbroken. The beauty was fake, Adam wasn’t whispering those words.
I gritted my teeth. Is this the Mirror's message to me? He would only love me if I was pretty? Nothing less of perfect? Why did it have to take an enchanted mirror for me to realize that? It wasn’t a crime to want to be pretty! It’s not a crime to want the person you love to love you back! It’s mocking me, stop mocking me.

I resisted the urge to smash the mirror, destroy it with my bare fist, but I came close, my pale fingers tightened into a ball, trembling in anger. Abomination. I thought. It shouldn’t exist, it shouldn’t do this to people. My face remained changed, the lovely eyes, the perfect skin, the tame hair. How much I wanted to look like this, to be born like this instead of being plain.

What did other people see? The same? Something different? The people that they want? What was this mirror purpose, other than to break hearts when reality hit? Or maybe reality was never meant to hit, and the gazer never turned away, seeing what they want, and with this vile mirror, have a shadow of their desire.

I took a step back, Adams face remained. His adorable, half smile with trickster eyes. It almost drawled me back in, but the fading face had renewed my dimed rage.

“You’re not Adam.” I growled, such a face of beauty shouldn't growl, it became twisted and feral. Tearing my eyes away and went for the door. With each step was like walking in mud, so hard to do, my own body wanted to stay, stay beautiful. But I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t bare to life my life in front of a mirror, not even if my head was screaming for me to turn around for another look.

I looked back, I couldn’t help doing so, and only saw the imperfect me, alone and half way out of the door and never coming back.

End


(I’m a thinker. Goddamnit I’ll think of that mirror purpose, and think it cruel. Baiting people and breaking hearts of the people intelligent enough to see trough the illusion. Truly, if it were me, I would have not walked out, I would have ran. I wonder if Dumbledore ever wanted to smash that mirror, considering that I think he sees his family whole and happy.)

EDIT: Thank you all for the reviews and grammer tips, I made a few tweaks but the story hasn't changed. A sequel is comeing up just to clear up her story.

I like the message behind this story, that people can be shallow; exceedingly so and it can be painful. I noticed a couple of occasions upon which you had perhaps left out the odd comma or forgotten to capitilize a letter. Just read your work through quickly now and I'm sure you'll be able to spot them. Overall you did well with this piece and I agree with your thoughts at the bottom. I'm surprised Dumbledore was able to resist the urge to smash it!
Good luck in the contest.

[quote]I turned to see what room I had hide in, the chairs and desks where (It should be were) stacked against the walls. In the centre of the whole room was a large mirror. I frowned, that shouldn%u2019t be there. Why would it be there in the first place? The room wasn%u2019t locked, so it wasn%u2019t all that important, so why was it there?

There was writing engraved on the mirror%u2019s frame, I stepped closer to inspect it.

The mirror of Erised

My eyes met my reflections, I couldn%u2019t believe my eyes.

I was gorgeous, my crooked teeth were perfect white and straight, my face free of blemishes. My skin wasn%u2019t tanned from years in the sun, but pale and smooth. In the dim light, I could see that my brown eyes where a bright shimmering blue. My fuzzy, curly hair was darker, with just the right amount of curls passing my shoulders.

Someone came into existence behind me, there (I think you mean their) face above my shoulder. Blonde hair and hazel eyes, sharpened by shadows.

You%u2019re beautiful. His lips mouthed, he looked mildly surprised, and looking at my new face with me.

%u201CAdam!%u201D I squeaked, turning to look over my shoulder. How did he know I was here?

No one, I turned back to the mirror. He stood behind me still like a ghost, I felt his presence, but not the touch of his hand on my shoulder. One hand stretched out to touch the mirror, the other to my cheek, I could still feel the flaws, the bumps of pimples, the slight hair above my lip.

%u201CIt%u2019s not real.%u201D I mumbled, heartbroken. The beauty was fake, Adam wasn%u2019t whispering those words.

I gritted my teeth. Is this the Mirrors message to me? He would only love me if I was pretty? nothing less of perfect? Why did it have to take an enchanted mirror for me to realize that? It wasn%u2019t a crime to want to be pretty! It%u2019s not a crime to want the person you love to love you back! It%u2019s mocking me, stop mocking me.

I resisted the urge to smash the mirror, destroy it with my bare fist, but I came close, my pale fingers tightened into a ball, trembling in anger. Abomination. I thought. It shouldn%u2019t exist, it shouldn%u2019t do this to people. My face remained changed, the lovely eyes, the perfect skin, the tame hair. How much I wanted to look like this, to be born like this instead of being plain.

What did other people see? The same? Something different? The people that they want? What was this mirror purpose, other than to break hearts when reality hit? Or maybe reality was never meant to hit, and the gazer never turned away, seeing what they want, and with this vile mirror, have a shadow of their desire.

I took a step back, Adams face remained. His adorable, half smile with trickster eyes. It almost drawled me back in, but the fading face had renewed my dimed rage.

%u201CYou%u2019re not Adam.%u201D I growled, such a face of beauty should growl, it became twisted and feral. Tearing my eyes away and went for the door. With each step was like walking in mud, so hard to do, my own body wanted to stay, stay beautiful. But I couldn%u2019t stay, I couldn%u2019t bare to life my life in front of a mirror, not even if my head was screaming for me to turn around for another look.

I looked back, I couldn%u2019t help doing so, and only saw, imperfect me, alone, half way out of the door and never coming back.

End quote]

Poor, poor girl! But great, great story! I think it's good that she realizes that the mirror is just a fragment of what her heart desires instead of something real, or toberealoneday. I like how you express all of her emotions through out this entire piece and overall it was really good. A few grammar mistakes, maybe I didn't register them all but, yeh only a few so you're good I'll give this piece 4 out of 5 icky, sticky spiders

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I can't help but think you made that idea based upon my title xD
But good job, I like your entry... it portrays what shallow people are into and don't care about anyone's personality only their looks. Apart from the few grammar mistakes here and there there isn't really much I can say which is bad about this entry, well done.

i really liked it. I think you did a good job describing and making a good feel to the story. I liked your take on it. I think that most people would love to see what they most wanted, would think that the mirror is amazing and would give anything to see it. you, however, made it seem dark and cruel, like you'd be doing the world a favor if you got rid of it.
Great job!
I did think the beginning was a little choppy and kind of stopped the flow of words getting started.
Keep writing!

Hello I'm Eniarrol! Thanks for entering my contest.
I love your take on the Mirror of Erised. Many people would take the Mirror of Erised as a magical, mysterious thing. Where as you portray it as an evil object which upon thinking about it, it probably is.

The beginning is a little slow but apart from that it was great!

Everyone wants to be perfect. I know sometimes I want to be. The description is great as well and it was a nice ending. I actually felt like the conclusion not just cut off which is quite hard to do.

Sorry I'm a bit late in judging. I need to earn the points to give away!

First of all, I think your perspective is something new and fresh which immediately spiked my interest. Thinking outside the box like that will push your writing to where you want it to be. However, I think that you should maybe give some kind of information about the girl before she enters the room. For instance, where is the room? how is she feeling before she goes in the room? what does she think is in the room? etc. I also think that the emotions that she feels upon seeing her reflection could go deeper. She seems simply shallow, but I think there could be something more. Maybe she has self-esteem issues or struggles because of the way she looks. It's definitely getting there though. Keep writing!

In the dim light, I could see that my brown eyes where a bright shimmering blue.

It should be were.

Someone came into existence behind me, there face above my shoulder.

Their, not there. Their shows possession.

Is this the Mirrors message to me?

It should be Mirror's. Not sure if Mirror should be capitalized.

nothing less of perfect?

'Nothing' should be capitalized.

Overall, I liked the message of the story. It was well-written and not difficult to understand.
Keep writing. Good work.

I love the message that you were trying to send through your story, it is absolutely amazing.
However I think your introduction (first paragraph) lacks some description. For example, you can give more description to the room the girl was in.

I was gorgeous; my crooked teeth were perfect white and straight, my face free of blemishes. My skin wasn’t tanned from years in the sun, but pale and smooth.

In the dim light, I could see that my brown eyes were a bright shimmering blue.

>> I think something is wrong with that sentence,were you trying to describe the girl's brown eyes to blue colored ones? I think "a" should be omitted.

One hand stretched out to touch the mirror while the other to my cheek. I could still feel the flaws, the bumps of pimples and the slight hair above my lip.

I looked back as I couldn’t help doing so. I only saw, the imperfect me, alone, half way out of the door and never coming back.

> I noticed that you use too much commas in your sentences. Trying replacing that with linking words.


I really enjoyed reading your story. Well done!

Love the title very good! The only negative thing about it was the spelling you got to watch for it. Other than that I was really absorbed into the story it was that good. I'm surprised I haven't come up with something like this. Maybe you could help me out? Anyway keep it up this was a great piece.