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Young Writers Society


Destiny brought them together but destiny also brought him



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Gender: Female
Points: 1072
Reviews: 63
Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:47 pm
Charlii101 says...



Rugby is and always will be my least favourite sports, but when your friends drag you to a school’s rugby game you can’t exactly stay hidden in the girls’ toilets. Plus they wanted to show me my ‘perfect match’ I have only been at this new school for three months and already they are trying to set me up. “Come on one game and also its cute guys in shorts what else could you wish for?” Rhiannon asked battering her long eyelashes at me. I was about to open my mouth to object but Kristy butted in, her side fringe fell in front of her eye and she tucked her blonde hair behind her ear “Sophia if you do not come you can’t have my iPhone what I am done with it” she smiled thinking that that would get me to say yes. The truth was I was dying for an iPhone ever since they came out but my mum wouldn’t let me. “For one they cost too much and second you have a perfectly good phone” was her reason every time. I rolled my sea green eyes “alright I’ll come, but at least let me bring a reading book” when I looked at Rhiannon it looked like she was about to have a heart attack I could imagine what her mind was saying. A reading book when there are cute guys running around in shorts with huge pulsing biceps I don’t think so! I held my hands up in defence “okay no reading books” Kristy smiled and suddenly reached into her bag and pulled out a make-up bag. If you have never met anyone like Kristy then you have good luck. She one of these girls that think natural is better inside and make-up is better outside; she makes anyone look like a super model with barely any effort at all. “What’s wrong with the way I look now?” I asked gobsmacked Kristy set her make up bag down and lifted one finger up I knew she was about to make a list “okay, okay I don’t want a list just get it over and done with”

After fifteen minutes of moving my head backwards and forwards and adjusting my brown hair twenty times, we were ready to go. They literally dragged me to the field; the only time that I had ever been to the field is for P.E when we were forced to play football, which is another sport I dislike. Kristy lead the way to the back row of seats and sat down Rhiannon told me to sit in between both of them, it’s like they have already planned this to me. I felt the curls they had put in my hair it felt weird and I was sure I looked weird but both of them insisted I looked fine. The game hadn’t started yet and everyone was finding seats and talking but the more people talked the louder others talked and soon you had to shout to each other. Out of the corner of my eye I was Kristy lean back and so did Rhiannon both of them began to tie their hair up into a pony tail. Making Kristy’s look brown and then blonde and Rhiannon’s just stayed the same deep black. Now two people tying up their hair would look normal to anyone else, but I knew that this was Kristy’s and Rhiannon’s signal for something. I looked at Kristy and she automatically turned to look at the field when I turned around to Rhiannon she had already done the same. I sat back “okay what are you two up to?” I asked folding my arms and looking at both of them in turn. Kristy kept a straight face and acted like she didn’t hear me Rhiannon however was cracking up a smile. She was always the easy target for getting information out of. So I turned to her “Rhiannon, why are you smiling?” I asked in a sort of way that a mum would speak to her child. Rhiannon’s smile stretched even bigger “okay, we have brought you here because we think we might have found someone who is perfect for you” Rhiannon turned to me trying to supress her excitement and her smile. Kristy sat forwards and glared at Rhiannon “I can never trust you to keep quite can i?” she asked Rhiannon, I buried my head in my hands and sighed. “I’m sorry but it’s so cute!” Rhiannon said in a high pitch voice, I lifted up my head to see Kristy shrug, I could tell she felt the same as Rhiannon. “Fine who is it?” I asked leaning back into my chair and hoping that it would be impossible to see how ashamed I was. Kristy sat forward “I don’t think you can see him from here” Rhiannon narrowed her eyes as if hoping it would make everything better to see “or they haven’t come out yet?” Rhiannon said pointing to a group of guys that were slowly coming out of the changing rooms. The crowd that had gathered at the stadium suddenly went into an uproar; the guys came on yelling towards the crowd. Except you couldn’t exactly hear what they were saying.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 946
Reviews: 53
Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:26 pm
Preachergirl18 says...



After fifteen minutes of moving my head backwards and forwards and adjusting my brown hair twenty times, we were ready to go. They literally dragged me to the field; the only time that I had ever been to the field is for P.E when we were forced to play football, which is another sport I dislike. Kristy lead the way to the back row of seats and sat down Rhiannon told me to sit in between both of them, it’s like they have already planned this to me. I felt the curls they had put in my hair it felt weird and I was sure I looked weird but both of them insisted I looked fine. The game hadn’t started yet and everyone was finding seats and talking but the more people talked the louder others talked and soon you had to shout to each other. Out of the corner of my eye I was Kristy lean back and so did Rhiannon both of them began to tie their hair up into a pony tail. Making Kristy’s look brown and then blonde and Rhiannon’s just stayed the same deep black. Now two people tying up their hair would look normal to anyone else, but I knew that this was Kristy’s and Rhiannon’s signal for something. I looked at Kristy and she automatically turned to look at the field when I turned around to Rhiannon she had already done the same. I sat back “okay what are you two up to?” I asked folding my arms and looking at both of them in turn.
This is me favorite part I love it isn great
  





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563 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 13816
Reviews: 563
Tue Sep 13, 2011 12:53 am
Writersdomain says...



Hi there Charlii101! I'm WD and it's lovely to meet you!

Haha, so this takes me back to the days of junior high and some high school with make overs and looking for boys on sports teams. I think you capture the atmosphere of the drama here well. Your main character is refreshingly skeptical about it all, which provides a nice outside perspective to the setting of the story. I like that!

The first barrier I ran into with this story was the formatting. It might just be a learning process of formatting on YWS, but remember that you need to start a new paragraph with each dialogue speaker. Two giant paragraphs like this is overwhelming and grammatically incorrect. Here on YWS I usually just put an extra space between paragraphs instead of indenting. So this:


Rugby is and always will be my least favourite sports, but when your friends drag you to a school’s rugby game you can’t exactly stay hidden in the girls’ toilets. Plus they wanted to show me my ‘perfect match’ I have only been at this new school for three months and already they are trying to set me up. “Come on one game and also its cute guys in shorts what else could you wish for?” Rhiannon asked battering her long eyelashes at me. I was about to open my mouth to object but Kristy butted in, her side fringe fell in front of her eye and she tucked her blonde hair behind her ear “Sophia if you do not come you can’t have my iPhone what I am done with it” she smiled thinking that that would get me to say yes. The truth was I was dying for an iPhone ever since they came out but my mum wouldn’t let me. “For one they cost too much and second you have a perfectly good phone” was her reason every time. I rolled my sea green eyes “alright I’ll come, but at least let me bring a reading book” when I looked at Rhiannon it looked like she was about to have a heart attack I could imagine what her mind was saying. A reading book when there are cute guys running around in shorts with huge pulsing biceps I don’t think so!


becomes this:

Rugby is and always will be my least favourite sports, but when your friends drag you to a school’s rugby game you can’t exactly stay hidden in the girls’ toilets. Plus they wanted to show me my ‘perfect match’. I have only been at this new school for three months and already they are trying to set me up.

“Come on[,] one game and also its cute guys in shorts what else could you wish for?” Rhiannon asked, battering her long eyelashes at me.

I was about to open my mouth to object but Kristy butted in; her side fringe fell in front of her eye and she tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. “Sophia, if you do not come you can’t have my iPhone what I am done with it.” She smiled thinking that that would get me to say yes.

The truth was I was dying for an iPhone ever since they came out but my mum wouldn’t let me have one. “For one they cost too much and second you have a perfectly good phone” was her reason every time. I rolled my sea green eyes “All right, I’ll come, but at least let me bring a reading book.

When I looked at Rhiannon it looked like she was about to have a heart attack. I could imagine what her mind was saying. A reading book when there are cute guys running around in shorts with huge pulsing biceps. I don’t think so!


I made some grammatical corrections in there too. Make sure to end complete sentences in periods or semicolons and keep an eye on those commas.

But I won't just talk about grammar. :] So, I mentioned that you did a food job of creating a believable school atmosphere; however, I think the piece right now is glossing over some great opportunities for further detail. For instance, the story doesn't really describe the makeover, which, to me, seems like it would be a big deal to this girl. What do the girls do to make her over? How does she feel about that? I think the story could use to slow down a little bit right now and takes its time with the small details surroundign what is happening. You establish that the character likes to read, but what does she like to read? How did she become friends with these girls if they don't understand her reading? All of these are moments ripe with the potential for detail and drama, so I would urge you to take advantage of them!

I hope this helps! If you want me to review this further for grammar, let me know, but I try not to do that unless I am asked. Nice work here! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  








History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx