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The Baby Dragon



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14 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1182
Reviews: 14
Sat Nov 05, 2011 1:25 am
Audrey718 says...



Spoiler! :
Here is the main plot of the story. A rare ruby dragon (Anloric) ventures into the human world after feeling like he was kicked out of his own world and Town, Miltern Village. Unknown to him, Trix, his best friend, follows him. They turn into humans once they enter the human world. Anloric meets an abused teen (Skylar) and they become friends. She teaches him about the human world.

The shimmering blue egg rocked gently back and forth in the dragon nest. Two adult dragons stood next to it, watching with loving eyes. The father, Darts, was a beautiful emerald dragon. He dark green scales shone in the bright, sun-filled cavern. He was the king of Milltern Village. He had been chosen for his great warrior skills, and was well known for his defeat of Cartel, the cruel, evil dragon who had ruled the village selfishly, and violently. His mate, Temrica, was a dark blue saffire dragon. She was a common dragon, but her ferocious war skills were astounding. The two dragons were a beautiful team in war, doing things together so well, many thought they might have telepathic abilities.
This was the couple’s first baby. Temrica shook a little with excitement, her blue tail slowly flicking back and forth like a cat’s. Darts was just as excited and eagerly watched the baby dragon begin to make it’s way out of the egg. A miniscule crack appeared on glistening blue egg. The crack grew, until it was half-way down the large egg-shell, when another crack appeared. The cracks came together and a piece of egg fell softly onto the nest the egg was resting on. A little black talon continued to work quickly and efficiently at the egg.
“Oh! It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Temrica whispered excitedly at the sight of
the black talon.
Another piece eventually broke off and fell to the nest, then another, and another, until half of the large egg was on the ground in broken pieces. A ruby red dragon, half the size of a new-born hopped out of the part of the egg that wasn’t fragmented, and sucked in his first breath. Temrica and Darts let out a large gasp at the dark red fluff of fur. Ruby dragons were the rarest of the rare dragons! That they, a new couple, should have one as their first baby was unthinkable! The baby dragon, cocked his head a little to the right, and looked at his parents curiously. Temrica slowly put out a quivering, blue wing and gently moved to touched the tiny body. The baby watched the wing cautiously and jumped out of reach, just before it touched him. Temrica frowned slightly, and took her wing back.
“Darts,” she called to her partner, who was still next to her.
“Yes?” Darts gazed at Temrica.
“Go get Mrs.C.” Temrica continued watching the baby dragon, who stood about two feet away from her. His head was cocked to the right again, and he watched his mother’s every move, like she was a predator. Temrica saw the slightly scared look in her son’s eyes, and sighed softly. Her own son was afraid of her? Was there really such a thing possible? Darts walked to the cave opening. He had a large, fast gait, and in two seconds, he was at the edge of the cavern. He glanced at the scene of the mother and son. Temrica was gazing sadly at her son, and the little red dragon was fully alert, watching his mother curiously. Darts turned back to the sky outside the cavern, and jumped into the air. Instinctually, his long, emerald wings spread out, and Darts flew north to Striklers.
Temrica watched her mate leave the cavern, and then turned back to the baby. After a few minutes of watching the little red fluff-ball of a dragon stare at her, she spread her wings, and laid down, resting her wings at her sides. She closed her eyes, and before she knew it, was fast asleep. The baby dragon had given her a lot of anxiety. As Temrica drifted off to sleep, she thought of Darts, and what the little boy dragon should be named. The baby dragon continued to watch his mother curiously. Temrica’s breathing had slowed down, and she was now going into a deep sleep. Temrica rarely slept deeply; rather, she rarely slept at all. The fact that she could sleep so soundly now, would have been astonishing to other mother dragons. They would have been worrying about their young one, trying to get it everything it needed and teaching it everything it would ever need to know. But not Temrica, she slept like she was a baby again. The actual baby dragon on the other hand, was wide awake despite the hot sun warming it, trying to lull it to sleep. The baby dragon watched for any movement of his mother. He looked like a guard watching a prisoner, whom was a good escape-artist. And the moments went on in the same fashion. (Rather the wrong way around with the baby watching the mother sleeping instead of the mother watching the baby sleeping.) A small red fluff watching a full grown dragon, whose blue scales shone in the sunlight so brightly, that they could’ve blinded a man. The baby dragon watched his mother for five minutes, and then slightly tired from doing nothing, curled up, wrapping his feathery wings around his tiny body, and slept. Yet, the baby dragon slept lightly. It slept so lightly, that when ever his mother breathed a little faster or harder or moved even a millimeter, it would jump up and watch her until it was sure she was not awake again. Eventually, even jumping up to watch his mother got tiring. So after jumping up about twenty times with in two minutes, it just lay down and slept a little deeper. His mother moved her talon in her sleep, and the baby dragon only opened his right eye to watch his mother. She was not awake, and would not be awake for at least a little bit, and so the baby dragon slipped into a real sleep. He didn’t dream in his sleep, for he wasn’t sleeping deep enough, but he stored up energy, and that was good enough.

I hope all the "Striklers' are spelled the same. :S
Please be harsh with your comments! :)
Audrey
Noble Strength
  





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136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Sat Nov 05, 2011 2:03 am
Leahweird says...



I don't really have much to say about this piece as of yet, but i wanted to say that I really liked how you told us about the world you've created through the eyes of expectant parents. It was really sweet. It's hard to get this sort of information across, ad since everyone has a differnt version of what a dragon is, it was espiecially crucial to get this out of the way. Kudos!
  





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Reviews: 171
Sun Nov 13, 2011 10:07 pm
wewinwelose says...



This story makes a good preface to something, almost a sort of explanation why a teenager, or young-adult dragon may feel the way he does about his mother. However, it is rather boring just by itself. There is no plot, or conclusion, no climax or story line. Expand upon the topic and explain what's going on in the head of the little dragon.
Also, change the name. Plain and simple "The Baby Dragon" looks like you're trying to rip off or write fan fiction for Eragon. Try again there.
There were a few errors that I saw in this, one was that after a bird comes out of an egg, it is not dry. It is soaked in the mucus membranes of the egg that it has been inside. It would not have been fluffy and furry. Also, dragons are "supposedly" "naked" at birth, with no scales or fur or anything. So the whole "ruby red fur" thing just doesn't make sense.

This part also tripped me up: "whom was a good escape-artist. And the moments went on in the same fashion. (Rather the wrong way around with the baby watching the mother sleeping instead of the mother watching the baby sleeping.)"

First off, it should be "Who." Secondly, the part in the parenthesis is not necessary. You want your story to envelope the readers mind, and create the image in their head that will lead them to draw this conclusion for themselves. Not allowing them to do so by writing it like this makes the story boring. It makes it so that the reader does not have to think, and if the reader does not have to actively read and understand a story, they get bored.

Goodluck :) My biggest advice is simple add more, correct the few errors, and change the name. Keep writing!
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx

I have a passion for all things literary, and I love to review the work of others :). PM me with a link and I'd love to review for you too!
  








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