Young Writers Society

I really hope this makes sense as it's sort of based on a story I was planning once. I'd like to know how it sounds to people who don't know the story.

I haven't done poetry in a long long time but please point out anything that could be improved.



.....



Flames lick stone,
Stone falls, devouring flame.
Standing there – just there, by the window – you watch.

You can’t believe what you’ve done;
A thousand sins in one night,
But they told you what to do
And you listened.

La Révolution.
Just another word for the destruction,
The flames, the shots that ring into the night,
Never stopping.

And you thought you should be part of it,
That you owed them something.
You never realised the truth until the end.

So easy to kill a stranger, it seemed,
Until you know how similar you both are,
And it’s too late now that she’s gone.

So you stand by the window,
Drown in your own sorrows,
Wonder whether God would forgive you,
While smoke rises from velvet beneath your feet.

I generally don't like second person narrative very much, and find it difficult to write, but this wasn't too bad. "Drown in your own sorrows" seems a little cliché/overused...but then, I like the image of the last line of the poem, and the first. Overall, I think it makes sense, but I personally would prefer it written in third person.

Thanks so much for the critique Matt! =)

I generally don't like second person narrative very much, and find it difficult to write, but this wasn't too bad.

Hm, so do you think this one would be better in third then, or is it fine as it is? I didn't really think about how to write it as it was more of a freewrite thing this morning. The story it's based on would be written in third though.

"Drown in your own sorrows" seems a little cliché/overused...

Oops! That is a bit cliche, isn't it? ...hm, I'll have to try and replace that with something else. It was just what came to me at the time, but I guess it's cause it's a cliche that it came to me so quickly. =S

but then, I like the image of the last line of the poem, and the first.

That's good then. =) I liked the first line too, so I tried to make the last line tie in with it. Actually, I was going to have smoke rising from curtains at first, but when I looked over it I just thought it sounded wrong... =S

Overall, I think it makes sense, but I personally would prefer it written in third person.

Oh, well there's the answer to my first question. =P And I'm glad it makes some sort of sense, cause obviously I'm biased, and it doesn't exactly help that no-one knows my story really except for me.

Thank you again!

Kay.

Wow.
I like this. It's not amazing, but it's one of the better poems on here.
I loved how you wrote that the "flames licked the stones" (or something like that), even though I think I heard it before.
Suggestions:

"And you thought you should be part of it,
That you owed them something.
You never realised the truth until the end."
This is so unnecessary. It has no meaning to the poem. Why not just omit this?

"Drown in your own sorrows,"
Passe.

I agree--third person has two benefits here:

1. It'll make it a bit more personal. Okay, I know that saying "you" makes EVERYTHING so personal...but it's just not professional enough for this poem.
2. It will force you to change all the telling. Now, instead of saying "She would be part of it", and all that emotional but not really sentimental giberish, you could put so much energy, beauty, image, and metaphore. You could describe the woman by her actions, not by her musings.

Overall, good job.

PM for questions!

OOoooo
forgot such an important part:

Separate the last sentence into
"While smoke rises from velvet
underneath your blue feet."
(see how I added the blue and changed beneath ro underneath? This is better in my opinion.)

Thank you gadi! Really helpful comments. =)

"And you thought you should be part of it,
That you owed them something.
You never realised the truth until the end."
This is so unnecessary. It has no meaning to the poem. Why not just omit this?

Ah, this would be one of those things which could confuse people who don't know the plot to my story. I'd like to make this accessible to people generally, so thanks for pointing this out. =) It's hard for me to see these things when I'm so obviously biased. =P

"Drown in your own sorrows,"
Passe.

This is... another word for cliche? If so, then I agree with you, but I need to think of something alternative. My brain's not working at the moment so I can't think up any ideas, but I'll try again in the morning.

I agree--third person has two benefits here:

1. It'll make it a bit more personal. Okay, I know that saying "you" makes EVERYTHING so personal...but it's just not professional enough for this poem.
2. It will force you to change all the telling. Now, instead of saying "She would be part of it", and all that emotional but not really sentimental giberish, you could put so much energy, beauty, image, and metaphore. You could describe the woman by her actions, not by her musings.

Ooh, well made points here. I love how you're giving me such valid reasons to do this, so I'm going to have to think about how I could change it -- and where I would have to change it -- were it in third person.

Also, the 'you' or the person by the window is actually a man, so I'm very glad you mentioned how you thought it was a woman or I wouldn't have realised how confusing it is! Not that it matters all that much, but I'd rather correct it.

Separate the last sentence into
"While smoke rises from velvet
underneath your blue feet."
(see how I added the blue and changed beneath ro underneath? This is better in my opinion.)

Interesting suggestion, but why is the 'blue' there...? Is this a metaphor that I'm unaware of or are you actually saying that he has blue feet? Just... slightly confused here. Don't worry though, it happens a lot. =P

I'll probably PM you so that you actually see my questions, as I've just noticed you put that in. =)

Thanks again!

Kay.

Mmm. Yay! First person ever to answer to one of the critiques so fully.

Okay, so... the only thing that confuses you is the blue, right? Well, I use blue as an adjactive instead of blanks--so it's up to you to add the adjective there! I think you should add one, because that will make the ending flow and feel much better. Maybe veined?

And passe does mean cliche.

Thanks for replying again. =)

Okay, so... the only thing that confuses you is the blue, right? Well, I use blue as an adjactive instead of blanks--so it's up to you to add the adjective there! I think you should add one, because that will make the ending flow and feel much better. Maybe veined?

Okay, I'm much less confused now. I didn't understand why you were calling his feet blue. =P

And passe does mean cliche.

...which means I've learnt one more word today. =D I guess that comes from the French.

Thank you!

Kay.

Hi!

I think I half get this. I understand this person killed someone and feels terrible about it. I didn't get much more than that. But shoving aside the meaning, this poem is still very wonderful.

You have some great wordings there and I love your metaphor use. I didn't like your first verse though. I was almost pout off reading it to be honest after reading that - but afterwards it got much better. Still, I think you should change it because the third line in the first stanza is too long compared to the others. Which is why it is the unwanted stanza. If you make it just as convincing and colourful as your others I am sure whoever is reading it will be drawn right into the poem.

Thats all I can say,

Deanie x