Well, um, I really do not know how to review this, considering the fact it is only one stanza. But, I still managed to pick a few things to nag about.
(o) Punctuation.
In this poem, there isn't really any punctuation. With some punctuation, the reader will have some breathes to take while they read.
(o)Plot.
So, in this poem you talk about a doll, who is a very beautiful toy, and is "made of plastic and others too" and- wait, that's it? So what, if a doll is a very beautiful toy and is made of plastic and other stuff? What happened to it? Is it a strange doll? Is it the poet's friend? Is it a scary doll? What? Explain a bit more. And for that, you need more stanzas.
(o)Imagery.
So, even though you only wrote a four line poem, you could have put a lot of imagery into it at least, which, I'm afraid, you didn't.
All you said was a doll who is a beautiful toy (which you mentioned twice) and was made of plastic. If you could give something else to it, something more, which will tell a little more about the doll, it would give the image more quickly. What was the doll wearing? Did the doll have scars or a broken body-part?
So, I really hope you take this into consideration. If you want me to help you write this poem, I will be more than happy too.
-TwistedMuffins.
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.
So, there's not much about this poem. What's its point? There isn't. Why did you write it? I have no idea.
Alright. First off, why the doll? For something so short and simple, you could have chosen anything to write about. Cigarette butts, kittens, pregnant horses. But you chose a doll. Despite how short and lacking in detail it is, a doll has many different themes: creepy, sweet, playful, dark. If you could elaborate on your poem, you might be able to create some sort of poetic atmosphere which in turn allows for you audience to feel something due to your poem. At the moment, it's dull and just black and white. A few words in a poetic format but it's not really poetry.
Also, about punctuation. Despite its shortness, punctuation still comes into play. I used to think poetry didn't need punctuation and sometimes it doesn't but most times it still does. If you don't include the proper punctuation, your poem might be read out loud like this:
Doll very beautiful doll made of plastic and others very beautiful doll
It doesn't even form a proper sentence. It's just a bunch of words repeated. Also, try and be specific. It's made of plastic and others? What's included in others? Fabric/cloth, maybe? It up to you to how you imagine this doll.
This kind of looks like a haiku... except it isn't! I don't know... it seems a bit strange because normal haikus have lines which go 5, 7, 5, but yours goes 6, 8, 6. So, it's a bit strange. Are you using some special format that is similar to, but not quite a haiku? Since your poem is so very structured, I think it is.
With that said, I think you can do more with the limited space than you have now. I don't know if the first line has to be repeated. However, if it doesn't, then don't repeat it... say something new! If it does... well... you're kind of stuck with the first and third lines being the same, aren't you?
Still, you should definitely rework all the lines in this poem. Right now, because of the nature of this poem, you don't have much space to work with. So, the last thing you should do is clutter up your poem with adjectives. For instance... very. Don't say it. It doesn't really add anything to your poem. And beautiful. What does this tell us about this doll? Not much. Beauty, after all, is very subjective.
And, in the second line, what exactly does it mean by "others too?" It's made of others... too? A bit strange. Also, is there any reason why it's necessary to note that the doll is made out of plastic?
See... here's the thing. Right now, you have this:
Very beautiful toy Made of plastic and others too Very beautiful toy
Using the exact same syllable count, you can have this about your doll instead:
Her eyes sparkle with joy While her plastic lips grin sweetly Her eyes sparkle with joy
If you don't have to repeat it, you can do something like this:
Her eyes sparkle with joy While her plastic lips grin sweetly: She can't wait for playtime
So, be vivid! Don't clutter your poetry with unnecessary adjectives when you can fill it with verbs and nouns that make it sparkle. Yes, sometimes poetry can be restrictive. But always make the most of it. And don't forget to use neat verbs and nouns.
Happy editing!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Try editing it the Snoik told, okay? I know you can do better, but this way too short! D: But I like the idea of the story. But a doll can be described in lots of other ways.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to see your other poems which will be awesome! ^.^
Cookie <3;
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.
Hello there! Rose here from Review Team Yellow to share my thoughts on this!
Wow. There's really not much for me review, which makes my job much harder, but I'm going to do my best.
Doll Very beautiful toy Made of plastic and others too Very beautiful toy
I personally love short poems, but I have one requirement: they must be fresh. This one really isn't. I read every single word that this poem is made up of every day, and frankly, I get tired of reading them. If you're writing a short poem, you need interesting, unique vocabularly to spice up what you write.
If you like writing that feels bare and bleak and want that to be your style, then commit to it. Bleakness in writing can be interesting and charming, but the writer needs an enormous amount of commitment so it doesn't come off feeling like he/she didn't care enough to spend time on it. Every single word needs to have feeling and thought behind it.
I sincerely doubt that this is your best work. If I were you, I would definitely consider editing it so that your own unique style of writing stands out for how awesome it is.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."
It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person — starchild314
Gender:
Points: 300
Reviews: 0