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pip's song



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128 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 128
Wed Dec 15, 2004 7:00 am
Galatea says...



[EDIT: fifth draft]

i was thrust
and the womb of the world opened up
springing forth
i rose dripping from this birthplace
and opened my eyes
i cry for comfort
the arms that hold me cease
now in a universe void of the love i seek
alone
there is no place for me here
in the realm of real
what?
there is other-where i must be
other ones i must be
i am destined for
other
blazing wax falls drip drop
from the back of my skull
with the same tune
trapped echoing off the cavity of my mind
cavities in my brain eating away
every day the torture recycles
hunkered in my promethean half-life
listen
can you hear?
there is a wind blowing to tear the universe at the seams
wings of 3
they black the sky
in a flood of merciless anger
i know not why they have come or why
they are called
when one of my sex is scorned
i can hear them in the distance
calling for their sacrifice
soft and ominous
as a distant thunder
blackness biding time
and i this sacred child and child not
this man must die for the girl
i am
i was
am not
none of this is real
and yet real beyond imagining
LET ME OUT
paint splatter wound patter
on canvas i saw all
and saw none
catching faeries
crying furies
holding magics intangible in my
childs
girls
mans
hands
this is how the world will end
i whimper
in the darkness of my own existence
hold my hand mother
i am scared of myself
of my
selves
roaming the world
seeking new life each night
filling my gollums veins
child of neverland
take my hand resurrect and free me
i will live forever
no matter how often i may die
Last edited by Galatea on Wed Dec 15, 2004 7:20 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.
  





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44 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 890
Reviews: 44
Wed Dec 15, 2004 7:26 am
WinterGrimm says...



they black the sky

black isn't really working for me as a verb. blacken the sky?


when on of my sex not of my sex

one of my sex?

filling my gollums veins

gollum's

Its a very powerful comparison to life's pain to that of the eternally punished in Greek and Roman mythology. Promethean half-life is a wonderful phrase. Chilling. I have a couple of nitpicky things here, but otherwise its great. Everything falls together so wonderfully. Truely a delight to read. It does feel a bit rough, but that will smooth itself out in time. Great work.
That love is suffering is easy to see, for before the love becomes equally balanced on both sides there is no torment greater, since the lover is always in fear that his love may not gain its desire and that he is wasting his efforts.
Andreas Cappelanus, The Art of Courtly Love
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 6165
Reviews: 665
Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:15 pm
Chevy says...



Well, I didn't really feel a connection between most the lines, they just seemed like a combination of phrases.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.
  








No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
— LCDR Geordi La Forge