Young Writers Society

Here is another poem, it's only my second one. Let me know what you think.

A child at play leaps
through the spring air.
Her small fingers clawing,
reaching for the butterfly.
She can see it,
and is determined to catch it.

The butterfly falls,
diving through the air.
Its wispy wings flapping
away through space.
It can see the girl
and retreats.

Clouds shake and rain falls.
The girl dances,
the butterfly fumbles.
Her intentions are washed away,
but she will keep dreaming.
Of butterflies and rain dances.
Soon her dreams will come true.

Hey there, June here! Let's get crackin' on this!

A child at play falls

through the spring air.

Her small fingers clawing

at the emptiness.

She can see it,

and is determined to catch it.

Ooers, free form poetry. My favorite.

So, in the first line, you end the line with "falls", and to me, it sounds like she's falling to the ground. So, why not replace this with another word? Why would she fall, if she's playing, dear?

The butterfly falls,

diving through the air.

Its wispy wings flapping

away through space.

It can see the girl

and is determined to get away.

Now, falling here makes more sense than in the first stanza, but here it sounds repetitive. I understand that you are trying to achieve a rhythmic effect my modeling this after the first stanza, but, I would suggest trying to work with this slightly more, dear, so that we have a more steady flow than we've got here.

Thunder claps and rain falls.

The girl dances,

the butterfly fumbles.

Her intentions are washed away,

but she will keep dreaming.

Of butterflies and rain dances.

Soon her dreams will come true.

So, here, I'm a little bit confused. I am assuming that this girl is young, and typically young people are scared of thunder. I know that's a generalisation, but I sort of don't understand why the girl is dancing.

And the butterfly, why is it fumbling? I'm confused about the dreams as well. What is it in her dreams that she wants to come true?

----

So, Peanut, I thought this was a decent skeleton for a poem. I want to see you expand and build more on this, though, even though that would add length to this. Explain your ideas here more, dear. This has lots of potential. Keep it up.

June

Hi there
So, I really like this poem. You used good imagery, and I could definitely visualize the little girl trying to catch the butterfly.. Like, right her for example:

Her small fingers clawing,
reaching for the butterfly.

That was P E R F E C T!

But right here, I'm a little confused..

Clouds shake and rain falls.
The girl dances,
the butterfly fumbles.
Her intentions are washed away,
but she will keep dreaming.
Of butterflies and rain dances.
Soon her dreams will come true.

Where it says "clouds shake" is that saying that it's thundering, or that the clouds are full of water and need to rain down? Also, what were her dreams? I read it a couple times, trying to figure out what they were, but I still didn't get it.

But I really like where it says "the butterfly fumbles." I can literally visualize the butterfly falling because of the rain. And I like how the little girl isn't disheartened by her intentions "washing away."

Overall, this was a really good poem. Keep up the good work!

-Bagel Baby-