Young Writers Society

Here's poem. One of my more recent ones. Not many people have read it. Anyway, enjoy!

Fragments
I woke from a dream
It was a fragment of a memory
Lost and scattered throughout time
And all infinity


I saw the future and the past
And knew that it would never be the last
Hope, love, faith and destiny
Forever one and the same


Fragments of memories
Things of love and eternity
What was, should and always be
All scattered throughout time and infinity


Look up and see
What you’ve always longed to see
Fragments of memories and dreams
Stars, hopes, faith and destiny
This is your eternity
Always there for all to see

The overall theme is interesting, but the execution is shaky. It kind of feels to me like you're doing the rhetorical equivalent of running in circles: there's not really anything new from stanza to stanza, you're just covering the same ground over and over again.
Try adding some narrative thread, or at least a discussion, a specific theme on which you could expand?

I enjoyed this work. The first thing that struck me was your conspicuous lack of punctuation , but as you reference infinity so many times, it contributes nicely to a feeling of endlessness.
The other thing I noticed was that in some places you have a rhyme scheme, and some places you do not. I'd either make a constant rhyme scheme throughout the piece, or take out the rhymes altogether.

All in all, an excellent poem! Keep up the good work!

Hi ScarlettFire,

This is a bunch of fluff stuffed with cotton so it looks like your child is well-fed even though it's been starving and crying for some actual food since the first line. I didn't get anything out of this. Nothing. That's a red-flag in writing, obviously, and something to be considered when you somehow think that it's a good idea to repeat yourself over and over again... without actually adding much substance.

ScarlettFire wrote:I woke from a dream
It was a fragment of a memory
Lost and scattered throughout time
And all infinity

Vague. In addition, this is what I call pseudo-imagery; you do talk about fragments, lost and scattering, which could pull forth some brilliant description. Unfortunately, the reader gets lost when he realizes that he has no idea what is being scattered. A "dream"? How am I supposed to imagine that as a tangible object? How is anyone?

Abstract ideas have their purposes, but you need to first anchor yourself to the ground before you fly, lest you soar too high and your lungs collapse.

The rest of this poem is just more of the same. You talk about magical and wondrous... what, exactly? Your piece is essentially saying "Wow, that was an amazing!" The reader is bewildered, as you've never actually told him what was amazing. You stop your poetic sentence mid-way, biting your tongue and strangling any good concept that could have come out of this.

Focus on relating it to earthen concepts, digging your fingers through the dirt and dust that made us all, and that which our minds can relate to on the most primal level. From there, you can work your way up to clouds and stars and dreams and whatever you're trying to get across. Poetry is a ladder - never a one-dimensional plane. Start small, start basic.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey,

GALERIUS, I dissagree with you, I think this poems gives a lot. Maybe it's just because I've experianced something like it, but I think the poem is deep and meaningfull. And I think that the repeating is just a way to show that, that is just the way it is, and that there's no way around it!

It's beautiful!

Wow. Nice. Very nice.
The whole topic is so imaginative and gently grasping.
:] Well done! [:


-BG-

Hey there

I think your poem is good, you have a really good idea of what you want to write about and how to write it. I like that you're writing about a dream because dreams are beautiful important and creative things. I think though that you could be more specific about what you're writing about. You use a lot of abstract terms like "love", "hope", "faith", "destiny", and so on. If you stopped using those abstracts and instead explained what they were, described them, defined them within your poem it'd make more of an impact. Otherwise the words themselves are bland. You don't want the words you want the feelings that go with the words. I hope that made sense.

That's really all I can think to say about this poem so I hope it helped! Thanks for telling me to look at your poetry.

I agree, this poem is stunning. really very well thought out. Me being slightly greedy would have love to read a bit more, but thats just me! My favourite bit has to be when you when you say memories are lost and shattered because you past memories and the way you retell it changes or things arent always told but things get passed on. I think what makes good poems great are when you relate to what's being said and I totally relate to this poem

Hey there Scarli!

*digs up old poetry*

Okay so I found this was a very interesting poem. The first stanza was really interesting and I really wanted more but it just seemed like you were repeating yourself again and again. If you ever do look back and edit this, I would add some more ideas into it. That way it would be a bit more exciting and different with every stanza.

Apart from that, all good!

Deanie x