Young Writers Society

Another hour wasted...
The keys seem to hate me,
The computer screen is an endless sea.

Thinking about the fridge...I’m tearin’ out my hair.
Pages on the floor...slipped today...broke my chair.


Another day wasted...
The keys are terribly mean,
I feel the need to punch the computer screen.

Might go to the fridge...grass needs a trim.
Can't concentrate...dishes are piling up...sink is filled to the brim.


Another week wasted...
The keys are grinning,
The computer is winning.

House is a mess...laundry’s gone to hell.
Cupboard’s getting bare...bills aren't paid...not doing so well.


Where’s the month gone?
Broke the keyboard,
Broke the motherboard.

Eating...sleeping...lazing around the house.
Jeans don’t fit...fridge is empty...can’t find my mouse...

Funny. I like how the person in this keeps heading back to the fridge. Reminds me of my self.

"Pages on the floor...slipped today...almost broke my back."

This seened a little choppy to me. The almost broke my back part just sounds weird.

Also some parts in this poem rhyme, where as others do not. If you going to rhyme in a poem, please rhyme the whole way though or not at all. Because otherwise the entire poem just becomes choppy.

Still all in all I enjoyed this poem.

Good job and keep writing.

~Dragongirl

HaHaHa! I loved it! My favourite segment thing is "Another week wasted... The keys are grinning, The computer is winning." I thought that was really funny and cleaver. I can also totally relate to this poem; weeks of nothing in my mind then BAM! i'm typing ferociously at the keys. I kind of like the way you have the same line then a couple lines that rhyme. i thought it was unique and pretty. (yeah i suppose pretty isn't the best word for it. . . ) ANYWAYS, loved the poem, Awesome job.

Nice! This was quite amusing. Definitely an enjoyable read! Made me smile.

I found this hugely amusing. You did a great job with parallelism and what not. Your rhyming only seemed force on one line: the part about the broken chair was a little random. But otherwise this was awesome.
I can most definitely identify with this :]

Heey payne the brainkeeperrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! XD
This totally made me grin! XD I really liked this and it made my day better
I love the humor in this and how it's just simple and makes people laugh XD
I couldn't find anything wrong with this. Loved every part of it but especially liked the part:

Eating...sleeping...lazing around the house.
Jeans don’t fit...fridge is empty...can’t find my mouse...

Nice write!! I really enjoyed reading this XD
-qaralynn-

Hello there.

Payne wrote:Another hour wasted...
The keys seem to hate me,
The computer screen is an endless sea.

The starting was not at all convincing and neither was it in anyway, poetic. And the ellipses just make it even worse. The lines do not have a flow and don’t even seem connected even though they all tell about your computer disobeying you.

Payne wrote:Thinking about the fridge...I’m tearin’ out my hair.
Pages on the floor...slipped today...broke my chair.

How is thinking about your fridge and tearing your hair related? Did the fridge disobey you, too? Or did it do anything to offend you? Explain. And why do you break your lines even when it is not at all necessary. And these breaks make it jerky and even though you managed to rhyme the ending lines it does not rhyme while reading because of the huge amount of pauses you introduced in one single line.

Payne wrote:Eating...sleeping...lazing around the house.
Jeans don’t fit...fridge is empty...can’t find my mouse...

I can totally relate to this stanza. This one was the best of all the stanzas in this poem.


I like the idea of your poems but these ellipses are seriously making your poem sound really very bad. You better change those ellipses with line breaks. Change those one single lines with three pauses to three different lines. So like this you can get rid of those irritating ellipsis and your rhymes may actually speak up to the readers. The humor was pretty good and the concept of same things happening day after day is pretty much related to each and everyone. And eating, sleeping and lazing around the house, ftw.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

This is hilarious, in a schadenfreude way. Also because of the way it's written. Love it. Love the not-quite stream-of-consciousness.