Young Writers Society

I don't even know where half of this came from. *tosses to sharks* Enjoy and stuff.


It must always be so

This space between us, between your hands
and mine, the dullness in those eyes; so clear and bright,
so dark and so blue, like thunderclouds overcoming a fine day.
Life and love, that we shared so brilliantly, and,
the lies you told, that I though we so true. If only,
we weren’t so real, to my heart and my soul.

This distance between your heart and mine,
that you would choose another over the love we had.
My darling, if you are to abandon me, just let me say one last thing;
it was always you that I adored, that I wished to share
my life with. But now, with you gone...just,
let me adore you from afar, and,
you shall never see nor hear me again.

It must always be so, my devil in disguise.

Hey Scar!

I know how little time you took for this and well, great work! I can't crit poetry, but I'll tell you what I think:

the dullness in those eyes; so clear and bright,
the dullness in those eyes; so clear and bright,

I love these. It sort if shadows the first line, and that sort of makes the first line meh-ish.

But now, with you gone...just,

Ellipses don't work for me.

On the whole though, I like the dark theme you incorporated into it. And the use of space/distance.

It must always be so, my devil in disguise.

I am puzzled by this, but me likey.

*LOFFSSCAR.*

Hey Lette!

Here as requested. I’m pretty tired so I hope I’m going to make sense here. Now, I know this is a response to the poem in workshop, and I’m glad you want to work further on this, you have a good base here, for sure. More particularly, I adore your first line “The space between us, between your hands/and mine”, this is lovely. I love this. I would though suggest you lose the second “between” it’s not needed to convey meaning here, we already understand the between. Again, “The distance..” is wonderful.

With those two lines giving major promise, I hope you forgive me when I say that the rest of this could use some work. The initial line (and later one) suggest a simple but heartfelt narrative, an explanation almost, which the rest of your poem lacks. The poem on the whole has a very melodramatic feel which could be better utilised in a more demure fashion. If you were to pull back some of the descriptions and give us something a little more tangible, it would be beautiful. What I mean to say is that “The space between us, your hands and mine” could easily be followed by something like “three steps from the front door you stop, and kiss my temple.” Or something that is both informative and beautiful to witness. We’re looking for something a little more specific to situation. Saying blue eyes, pain, sadness is all descriptive but not emotive, despite how it looks. Instead it creates a kind of distance because it doesn’t give us any context to delve into. I don’t mean personal context but poetical context – what is this narrator and why? What is she saying? That pain is terrible but we must do it anyway for what we love. Why? Because she is heartbroken, and this is devastation at its most horrid face, avid hope. We want to know these things through the text rather than being told and I know you can do that.

Fashion a little more linear narrative for your characters – the narrator and her lover –and then shape the poem around the context. Give it some colour and life, and then you’ll have something that touches as well as speaks.

If you have any questions, please ask. You know where to find me.

-El Penguino