Young Writers Society

Well I quickly wrote this poem so I am not sure if it makes any sense to anyone. Including me. Open to all comments/criticism.

A particle is a particle.
It is small, alone and separate.
It used to be connected to other particles,
But it left them.
Alone the particle drifts,
Until it gets into a sticky situation,
Then it fights for its life.
Growing and blossoming as it does so.
The small particle has grown bigger.
It seeks to join with others once again.
And all the old particles meet and connect,
Bigger and better than they were before,
And now the joined particles aren’t just particles anymore.
They have become a group,
A group of strong friends,
That will never again be divided.

Hey

First off, this is really cute.
I love how it is symbolic of friendship, I could see you had a personal connection with the poem, so that was nice to see.
Only a couple of things...the word particle is said a fair few times, and I know its stupid to point that out because the poem is clearly about a particle, but I dunno... :/

It seeks to join with others once again.
And all the old particles rejoin,

Just the repetition of 'join' and 'rejoin'.

Basically, that's it! Really liked it, and as I said before it's a very sweet poem.

Hey, Deanie

A great concept followed by a great narration and a very sweet ending. This pome is great and doesn't need to show off. It's simple and quite wonderful. This was a great job of using your creativity. I'm quite happy that you wrote this.

Like I always say, Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hey Deanie!

You pointed me in chat, and thus here I am. You have a cute kind of poem here, the meaning is very clear and you've chosen a sweet subject. Technically, though, the execution of this poem could use some work. You repeat "particle" far too often for my liking, in such a short poem repetition becomes really very noticeable and puts people off their reading. You want some more focus as well. We don't need so many lines to say that there was a particle who was left alone, we really only need one line, and that line can be direct and clear. A lot of the time, short to-the-point lines can give far more conviction than longer, more explanatory lines. Assume your readers are good at connecting the dots, so you can leave a few of those extra words out.

Have some more fun with imagery and metaphor, that will fill in the lines as you tighten them up and give the poem a couple more memorable lines. This isn't a terrible poem for a quick write, clean it up a bit and it could be great.

If you have any questions, hit me up
-Penguin.