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Young Writers Society


Endless Fields and Emerald Leaves



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74 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 340
Reviews: 74
Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:38 am
LemonyIce says...



An endless field,
of tiny plants.
With delicate white flowers,
that the little girl wants.

Tall trees that give,
the sweetest fruit.
Like the music she plays,
on her wooden flute.

Emerald green,
the leaves, they sway.
The little girl jumps,
and dances and plays.

The bluebirds, they sing,
a melodious, happy tune.
She merrily joins,
and sings to the moon.

The bright yellow sunlight,
warms her face.
A gentle breeze blows,
and she walks with grace.

She wakes up slowly,
realization dawns.
She stretches a little,
and sleepily yawns.

She smiles to herself.
It was a wonderful dream.
But she'd rather stay home,
as beautiful as Heaven may seem.

Spoiler! :
What do you think? I Just wanted to write something and didn't know what so I just clicked on 'Other Poetry' and began typing. End result=this poem. I don't know where it's actually supposed to go so I'll just leave it in this forum. Review please? :D And I also need help with the title. Help me out? :D
Last edited by LemonyIce on Tue Nov 22, 2011 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.
The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time.
Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus.
If I were to pluck on your heart strings would you strum on mine?

~Plant Life, Owl City
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 963
Reviews: 6
Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:15 pm
Sho says...



I like this. It's very sweet. I also like the way that you use colors to describe her vivid dreams. I just have two suggestions. I would add some more colors to it, like here
The birds, they sing, You could say harmonious blue bird's here
a melodious tune.
She merrily joins,
and sings to the moon. You can say something like the smiling yellow moon

If you take this route I would suggest making the title something like Vivid Little Colors or something along those lines.

The next suggestion has to do with this line:
She'd rather stay home,
as beautiful as Heaven may seem.

You really don't need it, it doesn't seem to fit in with the above portion or with the image of her waking up from the dream.
Great poem over all though. It definitely has a nice message to accompany it.
  





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13 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 910
Reviews: 13
Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:04 pm
zaid says...



Awesomely scripted, ok first things first, I adore the poem a lot but It doesn't speak out like your other poems, I think that's because it still lacks some color. Give it a bit more juice, I hope you get me, The dream is so beautiful and every thing is swaying in union with spring life and all the other themes that pop up but I guess the verses are too short or the poem too short I'd have loved to read on because it's that good ! but you've gotta do spice it up a bit I guess you could have described the flowers, the sweet fruits , the girl herself, an appearance of the girl would have given a good picture to the reader, and then the birds's songs, they're very beautiful and you can spice up that verse with that fact , and then her joy as she sings to the moon, all that , if you give it a vividness would be Oh so beautiful :D
All in all, A really great piece of work .
Sincerely,
The neighbor :P
Sincerely,
Zaid.
  





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187 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 350
Reviews: 187
Tue Nov 22, 2011 4:43 pm
ChocoCookie says...



HPR! :D

Yay! Yay! Yay! ^.^
Finally a poem on which I can help you on! XD

I loved this poem so much. You've written it so beautifully and it kind of rhymes too! :O :P
But they are few parts which I felt you can change. Not necessary though. :)
First off, I loved the title. I loved the way you say "Emerald Leaves". (Y) <3

Now, on to the the nitpicks. Beware. I am a little over-nitpicky. :S

HarryPotterRocks wrote:An endless field,
of tiny plants.
With delicate white flowers,
that the little girl wants.

Tall trees that give,
the sweetest fruits.
Like the music she plays,
on her wooden flute.

Emerald green,
the leaves, they sway.
The little girl jumps,
and dances and plays.

The bluebirds, they sing,
a melodious, happy tune.
She merrily joins,
and sings to the moon.

The bright yellow sunlight,
warms her face.
A gentle breeze blows,
and she walks with grace.

She wakes up slowly,
realization dawns.- I felt this line a little incomplete. :S I don't know. I tried a lot to think of it, but I can't get it. D: Maybe "When she wakes up slowly, the realization dawns"? I don't know... Don't try my opinion though. I'm not sure.. :S
She stretches a little,
and sleepily yawns. - Try ""And yawns sleepily." That'd be better.

She smiles to herself.
It was a wonderful dream.
But she'd rather stay home,
as beautiful as Heaven may seem.


I liked the last line so much. I loved it! :D
Good job man! <3'

OhOhOh! HI! XP

Keep Writing! ;)

Love,
Choco! ^.^
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.


New to YWS? We'll help you out! <3'
  








This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy