Young Writers Society

Showers of golden light, and
the evening blends to night.
Here I am,
and there you are,
and I need you,
need to be with you.

Listen to the music
of acoustic musicians, and feel
the comfort of worn wool hats,
the sound of cheap guitars
and makeshift drums.
I have on too much eyeliner and
a smudged red lip,
but you don't seem to mind.
I guess I'm yours.
I guess you're mine.

Let's dance into the light,
even though we've never been taught how.
But we manage, don't we?
We manage on our own.
Dance is something in our blood,
not taught in a studio.
We dance without teaching.
We sing without notes.

And you're too skinny
and I'm too strange
but we mix well together
in an oil-and-water sort of way.
I always liked how the orbs stood out
and floated in the midst.
I'm floating in you, with you.

I need you,
and you need me.
But, most of all, I need you.

It's not enough to see this in a still-frame,
not enough to glimpse it from the back window
of a hastily fleeing automobile.
We need to be in it,
to be part of it,
to sing with a thousand hopeful voices
and spiral off into the light.

I will always live in the high notes
of a piano, flickering for a second
and then vanishing into thin air,
leaving behind a sweet essence of lavender.
And you will always live in the back of my mind
as I remember the day the Harvest moon rose
over the field, and we were bathed in sunflower light.

And you were too skinny,
and I was too strange,
but we mixed well together.
Let's remember that day.

Hi! I'm here to review you! I'm Drama. D

Showers of golden light,
and the evening blends to night.

This and needs to be at the beginning of the second line, not the end of the first.

and I need you,
need to be with you.

You could delete one of these. You don't really need them, and really, it takes away from the poem.

Listen to the music,
of acoustic musicians,
New line/and feel \New line
the comfort of worn wool hats.

The sound of cheap guitars,
And makeshift drums.
I have on too much eyeliner,
and a smudged red lip,

Beginning of the last line, not the end of the one before.

But you don't seem to mind.
I guess I'm yours,
I guess you're mine.

I think these two shouldn't be contractions. It makes more of an impression.
I guess I am yours,
I guess you are mine. See?

We manage on our own.

And you were too skinny,
and I was too strange,
but we mixed well together.
Let's remember that day.

I love it. <333 Love it.


I liked this poem. You could really see the feeling behind this. REALLY. I loved it. *Hits the like button*
~Drama

Hey Creative!

I know this is a personal poem, so I hope you're prepared for a little bit of heartache. I find that whenever anyone comments on a personal poem it hurts more to hear what they're saying. Firstly I want to say that I like the theme you have running here. It's a sweet idea that you work well with.

I think that your repetitions need to go, at the moment they're just getting in the way of the meat of the poem. The "I need you" stuff can also stand to be gone. That kind of statement is something your reader should feel from the poem, you should never have to say that. I know it works differently in real life, and you're basing this poem on a narrator speaking to your personal other, but gladly poems aren't in real life. And your readers need a bit of mystery to keep them going, they also need originality. You have some lovely images here, though I think you could stand to make your language more casual and natural to your speaker. Think of someone your age and how they speak, and then alter that into something people want to hear. Something in between casual slang and formulaic English. You could also be working on your line breaks, but it's important to get your language set first. Some poems do well with abrupt cuts and others don't, I think you need to ease into your lines, I'd never end a line with a preposition unless it's utterly essential. Not all prepositions but things like "and" "the"and the like are probably well to be avoided.

It's a good base of a poem, but I think if you shortened this a bit by taking out the unnecessary repetition and obvious statements you could tighten it up a lot and make it far more impacting on your reader.

If you have any questions, hit me up.

- The guin.

Creativityrules,

I like the concept and some of the images, and I can certainly appreciate the emotions behind it, but I agree with Pengu up there. I certainly got the sense that it went on a little too long - so that's a combination of repetitiveness/ pacing issues. Really, you have a great idea, you just need to develop it and work on the more technical things.

For one thing, poetry is an economical medium. You want to say as much in as few a words as possible. Someone said to me: SAY IT ONCE, SAY IT RIGHT. If you can paint an image or tell a story in a line or two, then that's the direction to go. Repetition in poetry is a lovely thing, but the execution here is a little bit off. Repetition tends to be used for lyrical/musicality purposes, and while I get this lyrical sense in the poem, I also get this sense of distant nostalgic memories, and a dramatic narrative, and these three styles all together tend to conflict with each other.

The pacing and rhythm in this is a bit off as well. Pacing in poetry is determined by the length of your lines, the complexity of your images, and your word-choices and such contribute to it as well. So in the beginning, I get this fast-pace, hip-beat rhythm with the "here I am/ there you are", and then as the poem goes in, it sort of slows down and gets bogged down, which wouldn't be bad in and of itself - but then there are interwoven stanzas like the beginning, with the "I need you..." and "You're too skinny" and so it's like a grand big mixture of a poem where you try a lot of different things all into one.

Likewise with the imagery, we get light, and dance, and music, and paintings, and orbs and it doesn't mix well together at all. Or rather, it has potential, but it's not quite there yet.

My favorite part:

And you're too skinny
and I'm too strange
but we mix well together
in an oil-and-water sort of way.

The reason I like this is because you get into some interesting, specific imagery. Does that make sense? Oil and water is very specific. (Skinny and strange are less so - mostly my problem is with "strange" I would think there are more interesting/creative words to use) Acoustic musicians, worn wool hats, I like these images.

But something like "makeshift drums" - that can be anything. A trash lid and the backside of a hand which tends to clang, or a pencil upon a desk which taps, or a glass jar and a spoon that clings -- all of these images/sounds are preferable to makeshift drums for the reason that it is specific. Regardless of any of these singular images - we can relate with each and every one much better than "makeshift drums"

I'm going to say the same thing with "dance into the light" - the line itself is cliche and general, but if you go into more specific imagery, such as the elegant prance of a ballerina in the limelight, a teen girl in overalls hopping and romping under the orange glow of a streetlight, or swaying lovers waltzing under a luminescent moon -- I mean language is so RICH, you can come up with literally thousands of imagery by using strong, specific verbs and nouns.

This is what this poem needs. Focus on one thing. Create specific images. The emotions will be there. If you can get it specific enough and if you have fun and are inventive with your word choice, the emotions will come.

I hope this helps. Don't be afraid to ask if you have any questions/comments, I know I've been ruthless, but it's all with the best intentions.

~ as always, Audy