Young Writers Society

You can shatter me,
break me,
and tear me apart,
but no matter what you say
I'll keep coming back to you.

You can put me down,
push me around,
and break my heart,
but no matter what you do
I'll still love you.

You can give up on me,
but remember this...
I WOULD NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.

Hey, Aliyah!

This is a strongly worded poem with a context that I'm sure many are familiar with. I feel that this poem can bring about it's true potential. Whether the topic is cliched or not doesn't really matter because I somehow feel connected towards the character already and I can sympathize with persona. You've kept it short and neat with good emphasis on the torture that is being caused and despite all of that, the persona still goes back to that person.

I would like to see this fleshed out a bit though. Make this as dramatic and stretched out as you can because I can really get that type of a vibe from this piece. Add some atmosphere, some imagery and some description. Add a situation, a plot. Even a small story from the same POV. What you've done here is simply laid out what's what and left it like that. There are far too many poems I've read like this that give off the same type of message but don't describe much.

The context is really nice and I've not actually quite read anything with a context like this that is captivating enough for merit. So maybe trying to extend this a little and making it more unique so that it stands out from all the vagueness.
For me, the grammar and the structure and the sentences all seem alright. But what this really needs is more emphasis.

All in all, a short and powerful poem. You've got some great talent and I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

I really like this and think you did a great job! you worded it great and it makes a strong impression. I have no negative comments! The whole thing was amazing.

Hey mate! I am the ZombieSquirrel, and I will be your critic for the day

Firstly, I thought the mixture of emotions created a realistic feel to the flow, It felt like being on the harsh end of this conversation that the poem seems to work around, instead of just sticking to one emotion...It's almost like the equivalent of the tide coming in, slowly at first, then breaking into massive crescendo!

Second, you kept it short and sweet, It's very easy to drag your poems out to an almost agonising length, which will put readers off. But you need to be careful about making it too short, the length here worked well, but I think one more fresh Stanza (Possibly an alternate ending Stanza?) Could up this poems rank higher. Not that I'm complaining about how you ending It, but something really catching and sad could work really well, Because out of all the emotions portraid here, I felt sadness least. Just a little food for thought

Thirdly, I'm just curious here: Why did you colour the end paragraph of each Stanza? O.o Just asking

Great work mate, looking forward to what you'll do next. Keep it up

-Your lord and master, ZombieSquirrel

Hi!

First of all... why did you use the colors? They seem fully unnecessary for your poem, except make it look weird. And I am not sure why you colored it using those particular colors. Maybe the whole roses are red, violets are blue sort of thing? So, you start with red, violet, and blue. But still, it seems completely unnecessary.

Next of all, the message of the poem is really creepy. The only possible way where this message might be kind of inspiring for me and not creepy is if this is a religious poem, or something. For instance (and I am Christian, so that is going to color my comments here, just so you know!) if this message is from God or something (and in that case, you really can't break or shatter God, can you?) Or maybe it's a poem to God (akin to John Donne's "Holy Sonnet XIV").

But, otherwise, this seems poem seems to be saying that, no matter how bad things get, you will still be around and still coming back, even if that person hates your guts. So, it seems that the narrator is a clingy person. And that's sometimes a really bad thing. Sometimes in relationships, people need to back off and do some soul searching. It happens. So, this kind of loyalty can be problematic. Not all the time, mind you. But, these kinds of people (who can cling like this) can really destroy relationships.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts from me!

Hia I am very familar with the way you feel, i have pretty much the same emotions toward this one guy. But anyways, I like it is worded very nice but I don't think the color was needed but I think it put more power to your words about how you felt toward this person.

I'll be coming back to this.