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Young Writers Society


24 Hours



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Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:00 pm
Niebla says...



Spoiler! :
As you will soon see if you read the poem below, this is basically a very tragic story told through a series of twenty-four haikus, one for each hour. Warning: It may be very upsetting. Any reviews or tips on how to improve this would be really appreciated.

You might ask how I thought of this idea - I thought of it because of a true story I heard. In that case, a young girl was knocked over by a motorbike and left by the roadside to die. She might not have been left for such a long time, but thirteen people passed her before anyone tried to help.

And from that came this idea.


The first hour - Lucille

Speeding car; young girl
Unconscious and lying still;
Surrounded by snow.

The second hour - Lucille

The car drives away;
On the frozen ground, scarlet
Mingles with the white.

The third hour - Lucille

Lucille cannot wake -
Her face turns a patchy blue
Riddled by the cold.

The fourth hour - Derek

A man passes by,
A business man, mind focused
Only on himself.

The fifth hour - Lucille

She can feel again,
Half conscious, but unable
To move, to cry out.

The sixth hour - Lucille

Her lips frost over.
A woman passes; she tries
To scream; no one hears.

The seventh hour - Lucille

The third man passes;
Through her haze she sees him gasp,
Look down, walk away.

The eight hour - Lucille

Nobody cares now;
She will lie here in the snow
Until her heart stills.

The ninth hour - Lucille

She sees a pale face;
It is the last thing she sees
Before all is dark.

The tenth hour - Lucille

She lies there, alone,
Lies in a hospital bed,
Surrounded by white.

The eleventh hour - Lucille

Her heartbeat pauses;
They run in and pump her chest
And it starts again.

The twelfth hour - Lucille

The little girl dreams -
In her dream she cries by the
Roadside, begs for help.

The thirteenth hour -Lucille

Her clammy, cold skin
Rivulets of scarlet mar
The white bandages.

The fourteenth hour – Lucille

Her eyelids flutter -
Consumed by a fierce fever,
She is fading fast.

The fifteenth hour - Lucille

“Mummy?” the girl cries.
But she isn’t there; she died
Many years ago.

The sixteenth hour - Lucille

She sees her mother,
A silhouette lurking in
This dark, shadowed room.

The seventeenth hour - Lucille

The fever strengthens -
She is delirious, lost
To the world again.

The eighteenth hour - Carolina

She watches her die,
Being the only one who
Cared enough to stop.

The twentieth hour - Lucille

The girl breathes goodbye;
The words linger, directed
At no living soul.

The twenty-first hour - Carolina

Tears stream down her face
As she leaves the hospital,
Overwhelmed by grief.

The twenty-second hour - Carolina

There stands a young man:
A businessman whom she just
Passes, grief-stricken.

The twenty-third hour - Derek

He thought he saw her.
He saw her again, the young
Girl sprawled by the road.

The twenty-fourth hour - Derek

Speeding car; young man
Guilty, alone and bleeding,
Surrounded by snow.
Last edited by Niebla on Sat Dec 10, 2011 5:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:16 pm
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dogs says...



Hey Mist! Dogs here with your review. So... Morning Mist.... you have reviewed several pieces of my work and I haven't gotten a chance to review one of yours. So really quickly.... may I just say that this is A-frekan-mazing! So clever and such imagination!!!!! I love your Haiku's! Absolutely brilliant! Fan-frikan-tastic! (sorry for the cussing but I feel like it might put the point across better that this is a fantastic poem). I love the entire idea of this poem, all the characters and you have taken on a great challenge by having to layer the characters and connect them all together while at the same time describing how Lucille is feeling and fading.

So all and all this is just amazing fantastically amazing! I absolutly loved it I really have nothing to say! Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:40 pm
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Mjdwrite says...



Hey there! I don't normally review poems, but I happen to like haikus! This was a great poem or rather string of poems. I loved how you strung it all together with the hours. It was such a sad story but I think I liked how you finished it off sort of. Kind of a revenge and kind of a lead into a cycle.
I only have a few things to say now. A few times you stepped out of the rhythm and it bothered me a little bit. Hour 9- "She sees a startled face;", Hour 13- "Her skin is clammy, cold;", Hour 22- "A businessman whom she just passes, | Grief-stricken.", and last but not least, Hour 23- "Girl sprawled by the roadside." These are off by only a syllable or two and I just wanted you to see that (mostly because I don't think it would be given a 100 by an English teacher and I am big on getting good grades in English).
I hope you can use this review to your benefit! I did like the poem, the theme, the words like "Rivulet" and how you broke it up! You are a good writer and I am glad that I took the time to read your poem.
"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly" C.J. Cherryh
  








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