Young Writers Society

Forever Midnight


It slips between interlocked fingers,
as grains of sand from within an hourglass.
It is as elusive as the air we breath,
as might a shadow elude our pervasive touch.

As might the wind call to the trees,
we hail pinpricks of light to grant to us wishes.
We shan't distinguish but contours,
of dancing figures within the darkness; spinning.

It is a deranged heat, a cantankerous* fury,
to devour us; mighty maws of an invisible beast.
Divulge within the sudden rays,
but long lasting they never are; surely divergent.

Amidst leaves upon the ground,
lay a creature contemplating; thousands of mysteries.
A glance at lights; fireflies in the sky,
to remember in life it is forever midnight.




(*Cantankerous - irritable, angry; ill-tempered or disagreeable.)

Hey Stone! Dogs here with your review of the day! This poem is fantastic! And you have done a very difficult thing. You have used imagery and descriptive poetry and applied it to an abstraction which is not an easy task. And YAYYY CANTANKEROUS IS MY VOCAB WORD! I'm so glad someone used it in their lifetime!!!!!! PROPS TO YOU!

I especially enjoy how you use such a wide range of vocabulary. Using this higher vocab that we don't see everyday and that arn't overused adds so much more depth to your writing and your poetry. Fantastic!

My only tiny tiny tiny nit pick I have that really isn't that big because it is something that you don't even really have to listen to. So in the second line of the first stanza when you say:

"as grains of sand slide to the base of an hourglass"

Fantastic line! But it has too many syllables and words which throws off your excellent rhythm you got going. So thats all I really have to say! I loved this poem sooo much Happy Writing! Keep up the good work!!!!



TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello WrittenInStone,

It slips between interlocked fingers,
as grains of sand slide to the base of an hourglass.
It is as elusive as the air we breath,
as might a shadow elude our pervasive touch.

Wow! What amazingly strong and descriptive language that you have leading he reader into this piece! I love the way you start of the poem really strongly with this and the crisp powerful language that you use makes this even more incredible. I have to say I really liked this! The only thing that caught my eye was the lack of flow in the second line. The second line has far too many words and syllables and you need to condense it down into a smaller sentence that is more flowing so that it is smoother to read.

As might the wind call to the trees,
we hail pinpricks of light to grant to us wishes.
We shan't distinguish but contours,
of dancing figures within the darkness; spinning.

The strong vocabulary that you use in this is a really admirable quality with poetry. The factor the contributes most to the greatness of this poem is the imagery. When I read this, in my head I can clearly see what you are describing and I really like how you have managed to write this so spectacularly. This is probably my favorite stanza in this whole poem if for that reason alone.

It is a deranged heat, a cantankerous* fury,
to devour us; mighty maws of an invisible beast.
Divulge within the sudden rays,
but long lasting they never are; surely divergent.

Haha cantankerous, that is one odd word! I enjoyed how you included really interesting words like that throughout this poem and it added a kind of quirky feeling to this. I like how you describe a monstrous force or animal in this stanza and once again the description is really good. I like how you have kept what you are describing simple but made how you describe it really interesting.

Amidst leaves upon the ground,
lay a creature contemplating; thousands of mysteries.
A glance at lights; fireflies in the sky,
to remember in life it is forever midnight.

This is a really amazing way to end a fantastic way to end a really great poem. I like how you use the title at the end and how well you painted the image in my head once again. You have a really excellent ending here and what you have written is really fantastic. Keep up the incredibly spectacular writing this whole poem was absolutely mind blowing and I really look forward to seeing what you produce in the future!

From DreamingForever

Okay. Conflicted feelings here. Love what you're trying to do but the execution leaves a few things to be desired.

Just to get it out of the way, there's a typo in line 3: "... the air we breath" where it should be 'breathe.' But this seems well-edited.

I love the vocab, naturally, and you do a good job of keeping it consistently at a high level. There's never really a moment where the words are suddenly far simpler than the rest and make said bits seem artificial. So good work in that regard.
You may have been best leaving off the definition of 'cantankerous.' This is a writing site - people will likely know such relatively plain words, and putting the disclaimer at the bottom might unintentionally slight them or feel like showing-off. Not a given, however, and may just be me.

My biggest issue here is punctuation. The poem feels over-punctuated, and very, very slow; this not only kills flow - it also makes it harder for the reader to keep up with phrase progression. For example,

Divulge within the sudden rays,
but long lasting they never are; surely divergent.

Here the audience is hard-put to figure out how each phrase relates to the previous, and whether it is intended to have meaning at all. Granted, you get a slight pass with the ethereal and at least somewhat incomprehensible nature of your subject.
But perhaps drop some of your punctuation (in particular you seem to have an excess of semicolons) for line breaks! Enjambment gives just as much pause as proper punctuation, and shorter, split lines carrying an ostensibly single message across can be very powerful! Just the ability to add in double meaning via multiple interpretation (two lines as one phrase and as two) is a very powerful tool.

I do think you have a good thing here - put some time into editing, and it may even become utterly brilliant. Keep writing! =]