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Young Writers Society


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403 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 23786
Reviews: 403
Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:55 pm
SmylinG says...



Count the beads of a rosary necklace,
my sweet,
and save a few blessings for me.

I pray in tangled thoughts
and twisted beliefs.
I once thought I could make heaven
a liveable, breathable, tangible thing,
but my god and your god
are both fickle and crucified thoughts
—macabre lost
in the churning wind and the leaves

that kick up dirt in the eyes
of those who skim faithfully
ancient Hebrew text and lies.

When I am lost
chasing innumerable faiths
and parchment colored moons
who should guide my withered spirit
to proper light
—should I choose a proper faith
to steal away to my creative mind
and religious muse?

Spoiler! :
I've been a terrible coward at posting any of my work as of late. I know this isn't perfect --I can point out about three glaring flaws myself-- but I wrote it last night and had the impulse to get it out somewhere besides Tumblr. I've tweaked it about six times over since Tumblr; only to draw the obvious conclusion it's conflicting me. :smt108
Last edited by SmylinG on Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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58 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 1155
Reviews: 58
Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:38 pm
misstoria says...



I really enjoyed this!
Count the beads of a rosary necklace,
my sweet,
and save how bout using "say" instead of save a few blessings for me. I like this line!

I pray in tangled thoughts
and twisted beliefs.
I once thought I could make heaven
a liveable, breathable, tangible thing,
but my god and your god
are both fickle and crucified thoughts
—macabre lost
in the churning wind and the leaves.

that kick up dirt in the eyes you may want to make this a new sentence and reword it a little
of those who skim faithfully
ancient Hebrew text and lies.

When I am lost
chasing innumerable faiths
and parchment colored moons
who should guide my withered spirit
to proper light
—should I choose
a proper faith how about not using proper again
to steal away to my creative mind
and religious muse?

Just a few suggestions, Keep Writing-Tori

P.S. I love your profile picture, I'm a total Ian Somerhalder junkie.
You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You'v been remade.

http://writemeaway.blogspot.com/
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1082
Reviews: 11
Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:59 pm
AlucardXD says...



I like your style of writing and the symbolism you used, and I can see where you're coming from with the three glaring flaws.
At the line "my sweet, and save..." perhaps saying "say" instead of "save" would be better, but I can see where it would fit in, so it would be okay either way, I suppose, it's up to you. Anyway, it's a great piece of work you've got here, and I like how you hold on to the idea of religion throughout the entire poem, so keep up the good work!!
  








Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala