Young Writers Society

Why does it feel,
like my life is weighed down with sorrow?

Even though I know I'm, better off
than other teens my age,
I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong.

I sense sorrow in the air,
and in myself.
Though the sorrow is not yet palpable,
I can hear it breathing,
I can smell its breath of dead dreams and decay.
As it moves closer.

Not that sorrow has never before shown itself to me,
it has.

First in the form of my young parent's not yet ready to raise me as their child.
Then a man with sick intentions who quickly introduced me to his games.

But now I know I am at the edge,
of a cliff,
with 100 feet of air and rocks below me,
and the sky above screams at me with its thunder.

I know someone is behind me,
getting ready to push me of the cliff,
but when I turn around to see the face of my aggressor,
it is only the face I see in the mirror every morning.

this poem is...different. It's free verse and straight-forward, but that fits very well for this subject matter. I like the personification in these lines:

snickerdooly wrote:I can hear it breathing,
I can smell its breath of dead dreams and decay.
As it moves closer.

It gives the poem a feeling of tension. I also like the cliff metaphor, and the thunder, it adds more texture to the poem. My favorite lines of this poem are the last lines.

snickerdooly wrote:I know someone is behind me,
getting ready to push me of the cliff,
but when I turn around to see the face of my aggresor,
it is only the face I see in the mirror every morning.

aggressor* has two of the the letter s....anyway, back to comment...these last lines really bring the poem together! The shock of founding out who the aggressor is makes a great ending for this piece, nicely done!

Greetings! I really like your name! It reminds me of cookies!

I really like your poem. It tells some sort of story of spite and pain. I can feel the emotion and the vibrant words really brings out an imagery.

Content:
You spoke about strong sorrow within a words. This can be hard if you have short verses. That's why I'll give you an extra point. But be careful too! Long lines tend to become sentences instead of verses. Your word choice is fine with me; simple and understandable.

Concept and Theme: : D
As I've said, you made a small imagery, even though you only expressed wishes of sorrow. This is some sort of nostalgia. As in anybody can feel this kind of pain, and I think anyone who reads this can relate to it. I did, and I say, I'm proud of it.

Technicalities:
You made very few mistakes in this piece! I'm just uncomfortable in some areas:

Why does it feel,
like my life is weighed down with sorrow?
Even though I know I'm, better off, What's with the comma?
than other teens my age,
I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong.
I sense sorrow in the air,
and in myself.
Though the sorrow is not yet palpable,
I can hear it breathing,
I can smell its breath of dead dreams and decay.Delete the dot for emotion on next verse
As it moves closer.
Not that sorrow has never before shown itself to me, I love this and the next verse
it has. Such emotion!
First in the form of my young parent's not yet ready to raise me as their child.
Then a man with sick intentions who quickly introduced me to his games.
But now I know I am at the edge,
of a giant cliff, Skip 'giant, you'd be better off with some kind of personification for effect
with 100 feet of air and rocks below me,
and the sky above screams at me with its thunder.
I know someone is behind me,
getting ready to push me of the cliff, I like this verse, very scary
but when I turn around to see the face of my aggresor,
it is only the face I see in the mirror every morning.

So that's all!

Overall:
Such an art! It needs more fixing and beautifying but don't get me wrong, it's astounding in this form!

Your suicidal man,
Al

I thought your random numbers of lines per stanza was interestingly put. Poetry should not be about conforming to the usual, 4 line stanzas, rhyme this rhyme that, little bit of cliche. Way to change things up!
Poems should have rhythm which yours lacked a little bit of... there were times when things didn't quite flow, you know? But no poem can be perfect, so don't fret! Because your imagery was beautiful and I loved the poem in it's entirety. Keep writing!