Young Writers Society

I followed the Devil,
Through the black burning snow,
When he promised me eternally,
How could I not follow?

His violet eyes drew me in
And I saw past the searing sand.
He swore, he lied! But then he cried:
"Reach for my immortal hand!"

I grabbed and ripped and tore
At the seams of mortal life,
And slit the blackened viel
With my already bloodied knife.

He promised me my revenge
And his deal then I seized.
My soul was banished from both the worlds
And my mind and heart he sieged.

But then I could not return
And the pain can't be described.
I suffered for my greed, my need
When I found the Devil lied.

No worlds, so where to go?
That is what He decides.
But there is a place away from light
Where the crusts and cores collide.

And there is a demon who rules this place
Under the Heavenly skies,
With twisted horns and twisted words,
With hauntingly violet eyes.

He has no name but the Devil
But even in that he lies.
Beneath his beauty, beneath the blood
Is only what He hides.

I followed the Devil
Because I thought he would serve me well.
Instead I followed the Devil
In his footsteps straight to Hell.

Great poem! I loved it! Except one thing bothers me he does have another name which is Satin. But great Poem! ( I am not religous either)

I thought this poem was amazing. It's well written and I can't find any faults. For some reason I really like the description: 'But there is a place away from light
Where the crusts and cores collide.' I think it was very original so well done

Hi there, my name is Writteninstone and I'll be your reviewer for today.
I'd like to begin by simply saying that I don't have too many nitpicks but I'll start by adding that this was a wonderful poem and I liked the few metaphores that had lain hidden beneath a veil in this poem.

So firstly, there were a few lines that threw me off the poem's track; like a train that was steered off course.

"When he promised me eternally, < What did he promise eternally? Life? Revenge?
How could I not follow?"

I'd also, personally, change the eternally to "He promised me eternal ____" fill in the blank with something that suits the poem and it'll be much better, but then you may have to adapt certain other aspects of the poem.

"His violet eyes drew me in
And I saw past the searing sand.
He swore, he lied! But then he cried:
"Reach for my immortal hand!" "

This stanza is rather confusing, I don't understand the bit about searing sand and such; and why was it necessary to mention that his hand was immortal? You could have just left that part out and said "Reach for my hand!" ....

"He promised me my revenge
And his deal then I seized.
My soul was banished from both the worlds
And my mind and heart he seiged." < Seiged would be Sieged but I don't think it fits aptly.

Honestly I think you just used that word because it rhymed with the other. Don't look simply for rhyming words if it doesn't go with the poem. Also, I didn't like this stanza because it needs alot of rewriting, some editing and tweaks could make it alot better.

"But then I could not return
And the pain can't be described.
I suffered for my greed, my need
When I found the Devil lied."

Alright, I liked this stanza but I think the comma at "my greed, my need" could be changed to a semi colon. ; < like that. I also think that your tone in the poem in this stanza changes when you go from "could not return" to "can't be described" if you want to keep an abreviated dialect try "couldn't return" and "can't be described" but otherwise go for the whole "could not return" and "can not be described."

"No worlds, so where to go?
That is what He decides."

Alright, I don't like that first line. "No worlds" ... why not change it to something more like "No place to flee, so where to go? That is for him to decide..." or something but you should work on that one.


"And there is a demon who rules this place
Under the Heavenly skies,
With twisted horns and twisted words,
With hauntingly violet eyes.

He has no name but the Devil
But even in that he lies.
Beneath his beauty, beneath the blood
Is only what He hides.

I followed the Devil
Because I thought he would serve me well.
Instead I followed the Devil
In his footsteps straight to Hell."


Right well in these stanzas the main thing to work would be the speed-read lines. Where to keep the flow you have to read through them fast to keep tone with the shorter lines that follow. Shorten and clip those lines until they fit the rest of the poem. Kay?


Overall, this poem isn't the best that I've read but it was quite original. I'd suggest reading it aloud so that you can hear the places where it doesn't fit and where you should add pauses and clip the length. Take my advice into consideration but if you absolutely don't want to change anything it's not like I can force you, now can I?

I hope you don't take my review too harshly, but I'd appreciate some feedback if you have any questions or complaints.


Write on,
~Writteninstone.