Young Writers Society

And Pyramus! Upon that rocky shore does he dwell,
With a lion looking onward as Thisbe runs to Hell,
And Arachne of the weavers wraps a scarf around her neck.
Hanging is too sweet a torture for a lover's soul.
Let it be known! Atalanta has run,
And far behind her rushes beautiful love,
Both of them dashing their feet out upon the shells and stones.
Scarlet drips into the tides of fate
From the girl by a vengeful and righteous spider hung,
And the lord weeps for his bloodstained lady.
Hell's weaver cackles her superiority,
Leaving those mortal to guess her intent;
The suspicious charm their thoughts and
Smash the hourglass - eight legs crawl on their own.
Witches sing the song stolen from newborn lips,
Formed of dying breath, that sickly look.
The green of plague marries into red war
While golden jealousy looks on and presides
Over the rites that make this world above all others imperfect.
Chaos resolves - beware! - with joyous bells ringing
On this wedding day of love and hatred.
Now the joy finds hung upon the grave of her ancestors
The twin lovers, each in their own right as wonderful and hideous -
Good wonder, answer me. What has been wrought of love?
That quick metal such as it might have formed this slow blade!

Hiya there ancient!

First of all, let me just say, that if I could hit the like button, I would have. In fact, remind me when the likes come back and I will return to do so.

So now I guess I have to find something to review...something to comment on...something that isn't perfect already. Hmmn, that could be a challenge. Goodness me, why did I get involved. Well, I suppose I'll tell you what I liked first and then worry about constructive criticism.

Hanging is too sweet a torture for a lover's soul.

I think that this line is very beautiful, very vivid, and extremely poignant. I love it!!

Scarlet drips into the tides of fate

This is gorgeous imagery. Could you take it even further? Something about swirls, maybe.

The green of plague marries into red war
While golden jealousy looks on and presides

I'm torn about this. I like the continuation of the colors, but it seems like you've chosen rather simple ones. Before you used scarlet, now just red. Could you strengthen the simile? Also, I'm not sure that I agree with plague being green or jealousy golden. But that's your call. Anyway, I really like the intention here.

Over the rites that make this world above all others imperfect.

I love this!

Chaos resolves - beware! - with joyous bells ringing
On this wedding day of love and hatred.

I like the first line here, I love the imagery. However, the second one falls flat for me. I guess it's telling, not showing that gets me here, and I think that it's a little to cliché to be successful.

So hopefully that's enough to help you at least an itty bit. I really love this a lot, I think that you have done a great job capturing the voice that you're going for here, using wonderful metaphors and really conveying a beautiful message.

PM me if you have any questions!

Thanks for the read,
sarebear

Well, entfor, you've writ something amazing here. Would I had written it... but 'tis review time.

As stated, this is very lovely. The references not only abound, they maintain a closely-woven thread! Greek mythology is so nice like that - a story for every occasion, tropes for all seasons, that sort of thing.

My first and only major grumble is with the thirteenth line:

The suspicious charm their thoughts and

While not following a hard-and-fast general rule that I am aware of, I do frown upon the finishing of lines in words such as 'and.' This weakens the whole line by limping to its finish, save for those instances where the pacing provides a breathlessness - there it can be very well used. Here, though, the 'and' sticks out in what is otherwise a pretty line of a clever poem.

The title-body interplay is good. Throughout the reader gets little hints and red herrings to the title's meaning, but only at the end is anything substantially revealed. And even then, it is not definitive - for who can judge the moral in absolute terms? But you generally permeate the poem with your title, so this is a nice word salad.

One thing bugging me is the repeated mention of things Hell-related. They are nice-sounding and all, but they seem... tangential. Perhaps make clearer their connection to the whole of the poem by some transitions.

I've naught else to say. Fantastic poem, keep writing! :3