Young Writers Society

They say his eyes are as blue as day
Glistening in such a joyful way.
They bring a slight wonder to his homely face
His eyes, as blue as day-

But I've seen this boy, I've frowned upon
How he shouts at us that we are wrong.
And his soul is silent
And his heart is numb.

I've seen this boy, I've talked to him
His words so angry and so grim!
He insults our brothers-
He hates our friends!

I've seen this boy, and if you haven't than you
Better hope you never do.
Just don't go saying his eyes are blue
With a cheery sparkle in them, too.

Because I've seen this boy in his darkest states
And let me stand up here and say
His eyes are not blue!
Not in any shade!

I've seen him.
His eyes are gray.

Hahaha... I actually have blue/gray eyes! They're pretty neat. I hope I'm not like this guy though! He seems like a jerk.

Anyway! I really like this direction, because you take such a simple idea and run wild with it. His eyes start changing like a tempest and it also makes him other-worldly... if that even makes sense. I mean, he doesn't even really seem human, just because of the way you described him. He seems less like a man and more like a thunderstorm. And I think that's completely awesome... after all, it evokes a bunch of really interesting imagery. So, I like!

One thing that I would really like to see is more description as to how he is... not just with his eyes and what he does, but how he does it. It would be really neat to see him transform some more.

Also... er... this stanza (where you address the audience) seems a little bit weird:

I've seen this boy, and if you haven't than you,
Better hope you never do.
Just don't go saying his eyes are blue
With a cheery sparkle in them, too.

I think you're a lot more powerful when you're ranting about the eyes and not addressing us.

Anyway! There's some nice stuff here!

Would the first stanza be better off if 'They bring a slight wonder / To his homely face' were one line? Then it could match the lengths of the majority of the stanzas. Since the two lines are actually one sentence, I find it would make sense if it was actually one line. And so there wouldn't be an awkward break in the middle of the sentence.

In the second stanza, the correct spelling would be 'upon' instead of 'apon'. Also in the second and third stanzas, I find that the last two lines of both the stanzas don't flow with the rest of the poem. The syllable lengths in those lines are too short and so it breaks the flow of the poem. If they were just a few syllables longer, the beat of the poem would be more free flowing.

The fourth stanza starts off awkwardly. The first line connects too closely to the second line. You broke off the first line in an awkward way much like how you did with the two sentences in the first stanza that I pointed out earlier.

Finally, in the fifth stanza, it is also much like the second and third stanzas. The last two lines of the stanza don't have enough syllables in them to make the poem flow better. Also in the second sentence of the fifth stanza, the word 'and' is not quite correct. The two lines don't make sense with it so you should remove the word 'and'.

To make the fifth stanza flow better, you could combine 'His eyes are not blue! / Not in any shade!' into one line and bring the sixth stanza 'I've seen him. / His eyes are gray' into one line as the fourth line of the fifth stanza. That is if you want to match the length of the stanzas and lines.

But I understand why you would want to separate the last stanza. Left like that, I like how bold it is. How it concludes everything. How it will remain in the readers mind. It certainly contrasts with the beginning of the poem. And I like that sharp contrast and final realization. Good work and take my biased opinions however you want.