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Thu Feb 02, 2006 5:26 am
Elizabeth says...



I kept glancing at him from the corner of my eyes. He was bent over the coffee table, his black hair striping over his eyes and swaying to and fro as he read from the textbook in front of him.

I had read enough romance novels and watched enough movies to know what love feels physically, to your heart and stomach. I shelved the books, looking at the author and title, turning now and then to look at him. He was wearing the green sweater again, the one I liked; the only one I had seen him in. He was waiting for me somehow, but I was working anyway and wouldn’t be done until six o’clock.

I finished with the first box and moved onto the next and he glanced up at me as I pulled the box cutter open and slashed the tape. His brown eyes washed over me as I looked up to him, and if by instinct I asked, “May I help you?” He smiled and shook his head and began to take notes, leaning back in the chair and stretching out his legs.

I couldn’t help but think what a fool I must have made myself look. He was only sitting down, perfectly comfortable, with a book. I saw him several days ago, asking another assistant where to find that book. Reference Section, under the author’s of C-D, I thought to myself as I watched the other associate walk over to the computer to find its listings. Mandy Hawking, what an idiot. I watched her stride with him at her heels, past the cookbook section, realizing the book he looked for was at the other end of the bookstore. But, kind and helpful, I said nothing to her and continued shelving books.

He got up and walked over to the coffee bar and before I knew it he was back taking notes. I watched him behind shelves, not taking my eyes on him, but fearing his glance. I didn’t even know his name, but I wanted him badly. It’s this exact type of wanting that leads many people, religious maniac, political “minds”, and criminals, to their impulsive and, sometimes tragic, actions. I had to keep my distance, but for what price? He was all alone now, I could probably think up an excuse to talk to him: but first I needed one.

He got up again and headed towards the restroom, leaving his coffee on the table. My criminal mind thought up a plan and I began to walk over to where it was placed, checking to be sure he was still gone. I strode in front of the table and quickly kicked it, shaking it. The coffee spilled, but not in the direction I hoped it would, it fell against the surface, cover opening, releasing a sea of brown steamy liquid, straight onto the text book and notes. My face flushed red as onlookers turned behind paperbacks to laugh at me.

“Oh no no no!” I muttered to myself, running to the back room to grab some cleaning supplies. When I returned he was hovering over the mess, sighing and rubbing the back of his neck. He turned to see me with the paper towels and a horrifyingly embarrassed look on my face. He smiled when he saw the look; it gave him satisfaction I suppose, to know that I had, indeed, learned my lesson.

“I’m so, so sorry. I was walking and – I’m sorry!” I attempted to smile but ended up with a puckered up expression. He shook his head and exhaled into the air. His delicate lips formed the perfect O- shape. I approached and bent over to wipe of the mess. “It’s not your fault; I should have at least closed the book.” I felt a pang in my heart. He wasn’t angry at me; or just wasn’t showing it?

He bent over and helped me wipe up the mess, explaining it was due for a project, but thankfully, every previous day he went home and typed it all up. I didn’t officially feel terrible, but I felt bad enough thinking of how he had to redo what he had. And we talked.

“My name is Alex by the way,” he smiled at me. I smiled back. “My name is Gloria.”

“Gloria, that’s my favorite name,” Alex smiled and looked at his watch. It was nearly three and he began to pack up the drenched remains of his ‘project’ and I turned to go back to work. I began to read the book titles again, a new shipment of romance novels, hot off the press. I turned to face him one more time, but as if it had happened in an instant, I saw him in the arms of a blond girl. She was short, slim beyond belief, the typical “Hollywood-fictional-playboy-model” type. Inside I could feel the back of my head throb with intense pain as I watched her wrap her arm around his waist as they walked out of the bookstore.

I could have cried; oh how I wanted to cry! I came to realize that every love story has its issues, and currently the one in my mind was Alex’s waist-clinger. I made way for the next book I picked up and, staring oddly at the cover, read: If it’s Love, Why did it End? I continued working, wondering if one day I might be able to write a love novel, wondering if I would find it.
  





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Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:59 am
deleted6 says...



Oh that great Liz( i only read it because it's by you) I don't normally read romance, but what the hey my life a romantic puzzle lol.
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:01 am
Jojo says...



Look's like Fontroy's got a rival, whether he likes reading romance or not. :D
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Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:13 am
Elizabeth says...



Hmm... those aren't really about... the story...
*Can't really tell if they're any good or not, but by judging the fact you posted and didn't deny you liking it, I"ll take is as a good thing*
  





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Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:44 am
Shriek says...



Wow, I liked this. Nice job, TBR! Unfortunately, I must be off to bed now--but I'm definately going to nitpick it for grammar and such tomorrow. I owe you one!
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





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Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:45 am
Snoink says...



HA! Funny!

Strangely enough, I also had an experience with a guy like Alex... but he worked in a night club and well...

I didn't turn out too well. :P

Grammar mistakes!

I had read enough romance novels and watched enough movies to know what love feels physically, to your heart and stomach.


There's no need for any commas in this sentence.

I pulled the box cutter open


*keff* Box cutters. Notice the extra s. Or at least that's how I pronounce it...

His brown eyes washed over me as I looked up to him, and if by instinct I asked, “May I help you?”


It should be "and as if by instinct..."

He smiled and shook his head and began to take notes, leaning back in the chair and stretching out his legs.


Too many verbs in this sentence... five, to be exact. Play with it a little more and see if you could limit the verbs a bit more. Maybe you can split up the sentence?

It’s this exact type of wanting that leads many people, religious maniac, political “minds”, and criminals, to their impulsive and, sometimes tragic, actions.


The quotes around "minds" are annoying. Delete them.

He was all alone now, I could probably think up an excuse to talk to him: but first I needed one.


Instead of the colon, use a comma.

“My name is Alex by the way,” he smiled at me. I smiled back. “My name is Gloria.”


GAH! SEPERATE DIALOGUE!

I mean, sometimes it's okay, but... not this time. No, not at all.

If it’s Love, Why did it End?


If it's a title, then there's certain words that are going to be capitalized and other that aren't. I, being the horrible grammarian I am, can't tell you what's wrong with the capitalization here, but it does look wrong to me, and usually my instincts are right. Look it up.

Otherwise, fun story. The hot guys always get the bimbos, don't they? ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:49 am
Elizabeth says...



BIMBOS!

It's just that, now, in titles, I'm trying to capitalize what is supposed to be, but usually, and long ago, I write all the words capitalized like:

Jimmy And The Amazing Green Turnip
Or
Llama's And You: Your Inner Grass- Eating Self.
  





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Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:09 pm
Shriek says...



Alright, here we go. -Rolls up sleeves-

Ultimately, I liked this piece. It wasn't your classic "I'm watching this amazing guy out of the corner of my eye and he's gorgeous and intelligent but I'm not going to say anything because I'm too shy and he'll never love me" story. Why? Because I just about peed myself laughing when she knocked the coffee onto his notes. I don't know whether it was supposed to be funny or not, but it definately added a different element in there. Sucks that such a perfect guy had to have a girlfriend, though. Poo.

Nitpicks:
I finished with the first box and moved onto the next and he glanced up at me as I pulled the box cutter open and slashed the tape.

Again with the verbs, as Snoink said. Plus, there isn't one punctuation mark in here, aside from the period! Gah!!!

Watch for this throughout the story. There are a couple spots where you're trying to be descriptive with the verbs, but instead of giving that "Wow, this is really well written," effect, it just sounds jumbled and confusing.

I watched her stride with him at her heels, past the cookbook section, realizing the book he looked for was at the other end of the bookstore. But, kind and helpful, I said nothing to her and continued shelving books.

Misplaced modifyer. If left as is, it sounds like the kind and helpful should be describing Mandy. Try something along the lines of "I, though the kind and helpful type--the type that Mandy was not--kept silent and continued shelving books." That wasn't really the greatest example, but you get the point.

I didn’t even know his name, but I wanted him badly. It’s this exact type of wanting that leads many people, religious maniac, political “minds”, and criminals, to their impulsive and, sometimes tragic, actions.

Awesome sentence. Don't really have an opinion one way or another on the "minds" part.

“Gloria, that’s my favorite name,” Alex smiled and looked at his watch.

There should be a period instead of a comma after the word "name."

I continued working, wondering if one day I might be able to write a love novel, wondering if I would find it.

This ending is a bit weak, seeing as the rest of the story was pretty strong. What is the "it" (last word in the sentence)? Love? The romance novel she's supposed to be writing? Please clarify.


Other than that, this was a fun piece and I really enjoyed reading it. Nice work!
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





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Sun Feb 05, 2006 12:21 am
Christianne_015 says...



I liked it so far.

I saw a few writing problems in the story (used the wrong word and such), but I don't feel like pointing them out at the moment.
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