Young Writers Society

Okay it's short. Very short. But please crit anyway. I will elaborate on it at some stage. * biggest puppy eyes*


She smiled. A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind; and she had allowed herself to smile a minute little grin, which lit up her eyes and transformed her usually solemn face.

Will stared. She had never seemed so beautiful; so alive. She struggled daily to hide her emotions. Why? This question had puzzled Will for an age, until he finally realised that by hiding her happiness, the little daily joys that we all experience, she was trying to escape from the sadness and “bad things” in her life. She was searching for a safe, uncomplicated life.

And yet in this fleeting moment she had revealed her true self: a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which we all,one day, must face. Will was mesmerised. And then the smile disappeared, as quick as it had come , remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.

First, work on adding punctuations/separating sentences so that the story is able to be read more easily. Examples:
A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind; she had allowed herself to smile a minute grin, which lit up her eyes and transformed her usually solemn face.
-
She had never seemed so beautiful, so alive.
-
And yet, in this fleeting moment, she had revealed her true self: [*not to sure about this one, but I'm pretty sure you don't use a semicolon here*] a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which, one day, we all must face.

Second, eliminate/change repetitive words.
she had allowed herself to smile a minute little grin
Not only do 'minute' and 'little' mean the same thing, but saying 'to smile a grin' sounds weird.
-
A fleeting memory
And yet in this fleeting moment
remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.
'Fleeting' is a nice word to use. However, you overuse it, making its impact less strong. You don't have to take all of them out, but I would suggest changing at least one of them.

Third, don't just throw the reader ideas.
She struggled daily to hide her emotions. Why? This question had puzzled Will for an age until he finally realised that by hiding her happiness, the little daily joys that we all experience, she was trying to escape from the sadness and “bad things” in her life.
For one thing, the reader has just been introduced to two characters, and already, the 'answer to the puzzle' has been stated. Explain the background a little, maybe how Will discovered this. Why he discovered it.

And then the smile disappeared, as quick as it had come , remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.
This isn't a very satisfactory ending. The characters and the scene, just introduced, are already finished. I think you should fill some details in between about this girl and her physical appearance. This is, after all, about her face and her smile. You should emphasize more about how she looks, since Will obviously seemed stunned by it.

You can continue if you want, but you should definitely expand first. Adding things into this will make it much more interesting to read and will help develop the story. Hope this helps.

This would be a totally awesome beginning to a story...

'A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind'

YAY!!! I absolutely love that word...I must use it...

'a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which we all,one day, must face.'

That was most assuredly quoteworthy. Pack in some more lines like that in future additions to this and you'll have a knock-you-dead story...

Again, woah. It's short, but good.

Okay going to fix all those things now...
Thanks emotionless it does help.

Thanks Sam. That's reassuring

its alright if its short because it was still good

This is a very sweet start! i liked it a lot