Young Writers Society

Failed Flirtation

By: Clover Madison

Madeline came to the party most unusually attired. In fact the normally conservative girl was dressed, dare it be said, like a whore. Her low cut top was only out done by the length of her very mini skirt.

She entered the room like a queen, with a certain strut in her stride, accentuated by her four inch heels. Everyone turned and looked at her like Cinderella had just entered the ball…or more like people watching a fish tank.

Lucas, the boy of her dreams, approached her, looked her up and down and said, “Aren’t you cold?” Lucas’ question was not far off; it was in fact mid January and snowing.

“Actually I am a bit. I wonder if anyone could warm me up.” She looked very pointedly at Lucas as she said this. Several boys who had overheard responded by nodding, smiling, or offering her their coat, she refused them all gently. Lucas started at her like she was crazy.

“Why don’t you put some clothes on?” Lucas asked.

“I have clothes on,” Madeline answered irritably.

“Yes and I’m wearing a banana suit,” Lucas stated, which he wasn’t.

Before Madeline could reply a blonde boy walked up and asked her to dance. With a glare toward Lucas she accepted and allowed herself to be led into a mass of people, dancing not at all like Cinderella.

After four fast paced, body grinding dances, Madeline escaped from the crowd and toward the punch bowl. “Not dancing?” she asked Lucas who was pouring himself a glass of punch.

“You neither?” he replied.

“Actually, I just was.” She answered.

“Then you should go back to it.” Lucas said.

“You don’t want my company?”

“No I don’t.”

With a huff Madeline walked back out on the dance floor, forgetting to pour herself a drink. Lucas watched her as she walked away.

Moments later Madeline returned and said, “No.”

“What?” Lucas asked.

“I was here to get a drink and if you don’t like my company than you can go away, not me,” and with that Madeline picked up the ladle again and poured herself a glass of punch.

Lucas stared at her slightly shocked and then he smiled to himself. “You…” he started.

“No,” Madeline held a finger up, “don’t talk to me.”

“But…”

“Shhh.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes until Madeline looked at Lucas and demanded, “Do you really not like my outfit?”

Lucas looked up at her shocked, “I like your outfit. I just don’t want anyone else to like your outfit.”

“What?” Madeline asked, because as afore mentioned she was rather conservative and didn’t quite understand what Lucas meant.

“Well,” Lucas said staring at his feet, “all the other guys were noticing how…nice you look in that outfit. I want to be the only one to see you in that outfit; I don’t want other guys trying to get you.”

Madeline thought about this for a moment before she looked up at Lucas, blushing a bit, “Really?”

“Um humm,” Lucas replied.

“I’ll change now,” she said softly.

Lucas smiled, “Good idea.” He handed her his jacket.

So the moral of the story, sometimes outrageous things feel like they need to be done, but it’s far simpler than that. Just admit your feelings.

~ Fin ~

Yeah, I know the ending is a total crap shoot. Any good ideas about the ending and any criticism is very much appreciated. And yes I can take criticism very well so please tear it apart.

It was a pretty interesting read. I like the idea behind it a lot. I think you could do a better job of wrapping it up than stating "the moral of the story is...", but I don't have any ideas for it off the top of my head.

I don't have the time to give this a full crit right now (I'm on my way out of the house for work), but I'll come back later.

For now, what really stuck out to me was this:

“What?” Madeline asked, because as afore mentioned she was rather conservative and didn’t quite understand what Lucas meant.

Conservative does not necessarily mean that she doesn't know about these things. It seems more likely to me that she was just caught off-guard by what he said and therefore asked for clarification. One of those "did he really just say that?" kind of things.

It's very good, although I think it could have been worded a little better. Sorry, I can't tell you where to start with that. It would be a lot better with a little more detail, but keep writing!

I liked this story very much. Simple and sweet.

Lol, my boyfriend is just like Lucas. I'm not allowed to wear anything that might attract attention from other guys!

The only thing that struck me as being a little off skew is wher Madeline asks if anyone wants to warm her up. I dont think that really fits in with the conservative feel you have given her because that's a very suggestive comment and she knows exactly what she is saying! basically, I'd just agree with Duskyglimmer and change that 2nd mention of her conservitiveness.

Otherwise, great job! Love it!