Young Writers Society

hmn

Aww, this is very fluffy cute.

On to the criting...

1. Get rid of the elipses. There are essentially useless here, and they make for poor structure.

2. Wordage issues, somewhere on some thread Snoink talked about this, the diction you use sets the setting for your piece. Be consistant. For example, you use the the word lass; now I am suddenly propelled into Longshanks' Scotland or Brigadoon. It would be fine if you continued on that trend, but you don't. The word lass sticks out like a sore thumb.

3.

He wasn’t at all the typical Christian…nor was he a man of moral values.

- with nor you imply that the things are seperate, that a typical Christian doesn't have moral values. Also re-structure: Christian, nor was he.

4. Character development. You spend a lot of time describing physical features, and that's perfectly fine, except you fall short on other key aspects to their character. Plus it makes them seem, esp. Skyler, rather flat.

5.

Skyler had partied over the summer, it was great…A lot of interesting thing had happened and he dreaded the reality of going back to school. A senior and graduating soon, Skyler looked forward to getting school over and done with. There was nothing to be happy about this year, nothing interesting about school., nothing really ever happened to get to the point. The girl he had liked for such a short time turned out to be irritating. Now that she was off his mind, he had nothing to think about…except that he had to attend school this morning and meet with his friends in the band room. The moment he arrived, he spotted Jon and a couple of his friends. He immediately approached them, sighing in exhaustion, for he had a long night and didn’t get much sleep.

- this paragraph is a bit mullied, needs some revision. Also, Jon, who is Jon, is Jon's name rather important here?

I hope this helps. Happy drafting! Ciao, CL.

She was on target on about everything. It would have been nice if you had not rushed the ending.

I HAD A BIT OF A PLIGHT AND NOW IT IS READY TO BE READ...

I agree, the elliseswere sort of weird, but otherwise it was the perfect girl-meets-boy, girl-falls-in-love-with-boy, boy-falls-in-love-with-girl, happily ever after story.