"I haven’t been up there since the afternoon it happened, and I wasn’t about to go back up now." - This is just being knit-picky, because I really liked your story, but this sentence seems a little too cliche to me. The whole "the after it happened," at least. Also, you refered to tears being "hot" twice, and while this is again being knit-picky, I'm an editor and can't help but notice these things.
I agree with...whoever said it...that you don't have a lot of description, but that's a good thing. I loathe reading overly descriptive pieces, especially point-blank physical descriptions, but you did a nice job of weaving those into the story.
Admittedly, I was kind of hoping it was going to be a ghost story, but the whole sunset thing really tied it all together. Nice touch. I think this is the first thing I've read of yours, and I'm impressed. Not overly impressed, mind you, but it's a piece of work with skill and wisdom beyond your years. (Now who's being cliche?)
-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
Areida, this was truly amazing. It was one of the few pieces of fiction that has literally brought me to tears. You did an excellent job on this and I am absolutely amazed that a fifteen year old could bring this much meaning to her work.
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."
I don't know what's wrong with me...I didn't get very much out of it. Sorry to be a stinker, but it seemed too much like 'Oh, my mom died and now I'm sad'. Sadly (ehm...sorry for the redundancy) too many stories with this plot are absolute pieces of crap. If we read something new with that same storyline, we automatically think 'CRAP ALERT!' and shut our minds to the style and flow.
That was probably what put me off.
I did love the bit with Hunter...honestly, I've had that feeling before. And put off many things to get that extra minute with- *ahem, perhaps I shouldn't say. *
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
DON'T EDIT IT. Otherwise, I will sic the pigs on you.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
“Come on,” Emily turns and climbs the ladder to the platform that is our tree house.
SEE???
Okay. Maybe that needs to be tweaked. So you get to put a period where a comma is. But seriously... we love sappy writing! And when I say we, that means that all my characters like it. Otherwise, they would simply not exist.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Everything is good. Almost perfect. Ok. MAybe perfect...The only thing that bothered me was that it was in first person...and it was written in present tense. I really don't like reading in present tense, but I am not the one writing it. All in all, everything was...good. Really good.
Sincerely, Amanda R. Holden, Author of Azyea's GIfts
*
You have a talent for writing.
Gender:
Points: 890
Reviews: 221