z

Young Writers Society


The Moment You Were Mine



User avatar
53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 862
Reviews: 53
Fri May 11, 2007 11:57 pm
Certainly Love says...



Hugh Vaughn was contemplating on whether he should enter the ballroom that had been hosted by his sister Rowena. He had been standing outside on the terrace for far too long and was ready to split the scene. He had never been seen venturing past his estate and now here he was attempting to enter into a huge room with creatures that possessed eyes and a mouth. He hated that fact, gossiping entirely and curious wondering eyes. His sister convinced him most painfully to join her and he had every incentive not to attend, but to let down his sister placed him on a guilt saddle.

Hugh was a very intelligent and good-looking man who possessed the title of a marques. Not only did he possess wealth, charm and a delicious title, he possessed all the qualities of a gentleman. Indeed, he had used what he had learned and put it to good use. He had never sought out for a woman, although he was required to. It was mainly because he was too busy trying to figure out how he was going to get his younger sister Samantha to marry.

After a whole half our of thinking his decision through, Hugh was about to step inside when he heard a loud umph. He turned around and saw a woman sprawled upon the terrace steps that led to the garden. She seemed to have been drunk or was it just an accident?

Hugh, being the gentleman that he was, immediately approached her and lifted her from the ground. At first glance, Hugh noticed her pert little nose and her full lower lip that drew out like a little adorable pout. Indeed, she was…beautiful. She had lovely black hair and round blue eyes that glowed.

The woman glanced at him briefly and gathered her skirts, “I am terribly sorry. I am…not at all myself. It’s dangerous to be near me, I’m…intoxicated.” She hiccupped and Hugh couldn’t believe a woman would ever stoop to such a level. Never had he seen a woman so out of place.

“Excuse me, isn’t it improper for a young woman, such as yourself, to indulge in spirits?” Hugh frowned.

The woman stared at him and scoffed, “You’re one of those well-bred gentleman, aren’t you?”

“Why, of course. I believe most of society is.” He replied, quite confused.

“Well, I am not your typical well-bred mistress.” She laughed. After a moment of silence, Hugh began.

“Well, I believe that we shouldn’t be out here alone. Your party might wonder where you went off to.” He said as he began to usher her up the stairs, but suddenly, she pulled free from his grasp.

“I don’t need you’re assistance. Begging your utmost pardon, I came here alone and may I add you are…dashing.” She growled seductively.

Hugh stepped away in an appropriate distance, “I beg your pardon.”

“I just begged yours.” She replied, her tone lowering even more seductively.

Hugh was accustom to such speech that he frowned, “Madame, it is most unfortunate that you were not taught how to conduct yourself in an orderly fashion. As I am a man of honor, I must see to it that you return home for it is most evident that you are not in the right state of mind.”

The woman smiled and started to circle him, “You’re not a man of the world, are you?”

“No. I think it’s most depraved.”

“Well, I think you would enjoy it. It is most invigorating.” She said as she slid a hand down his arm.

Hugh tensed and closed his eyes. Why did her single touch affect him so much? He then realized that he was attracted to her and far more than he would have thought. This woman was seducing him, he knew, but what she didn’t know was that she was dealing with the wrong man. Because once she did anything remotely inappropriate, anything that would cause her to compromise her reputation, Hugh was going to enforce marriage.

“Madame, I warn you to desist.” Hugh did nothing as she slid a hand across his cheek. She stared at him for a long moment.

“I have never seen you around here before.”

Hugh just stared back without a single smile. “I never frequent the regular events that come about. I’m too busy trying to find a husband for my sister.”

“Ah, I see. What a responsible big brother.” She teased as she placed her hands upon her hips.

He liked that.

“You have such a handsome face.” She said softly, again placing her hands upon his cheeks.

“Thank you. Although I must warn you again that it isn’t wise for you to be in such an approximate distance.”

“And why is that?” Suddenly, before Hugh could say a word, she kissed him. She tasted of strong spirits and oh, was she going to regret her actions. Hugh decided that since he already planned to marry her, he might as well bask in the moment. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss. He felt her hesitate and he pulled away. She must have felt the spark that he felt lingering on his lips. They were breathing heavily and he stared at her as if he knew her from somewhere. It was about time someone threw out some names.

“What, pray tell, is your name, Madame?” He asked demandingly.

“My name is…its Clara…Lawrence.” She said. The name wasn’t at all familiar. He had never heard of a Clara Lawrence.

Hugh nodded, “Before you run off, I’ll have you know that you and I will be married as soon as possible.” She was silent, “I warned you twice and as you did not listen, I had to take matters into my own hands. I will inform you father that you will be married to Hugh Vaughn, the Marques of Birmingham.”

With that, Clara fled from the terrace and into the night. Hugh shook his head and entered into the ballroom to search out who her father was. There were many onlookers that were curious of who he was and soon, the room erupted in whispers. As soon as he approached his sister Rowena, he bowed for she was surrounded by most of her lady friends.

“Excuse me, but do any of you fine ladies know who is the father of Clara Lawrence?”

All of them frowned and seemed to have been flustered, “No…There is only one Lawrence in residence and that is the Viscount Dray.”

“Ah I see.”

“But there is one Clara we know,” came an older lady’s reply, “She’s a she-devil to be sure. She doesn’t practice much matters regarding etiquette manners.”

Ah, so she gave him a false name. Hugh sighed. “Well, may I ask what her maiden name is?”

“Her name is Clara Elton.” She replied, “She lives with her step-father, Gray Johnson. He’s a very strange man.”

“Evil, I’d say.” Came another’s reply.

“Thank you, ever so much. I am grateful for your information.” Hugh sighed and realized that gossip had its benefits. Now he knew just how to find her. He would only have to wait until tomorrow morning, then he’d make her his.
Sincerely, Amanda R. Holden, Author of Azyea's GIfts
  





User avatar
250 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 250
Sat May 12, 2007 4:08 pm
Night Mistress says...



Interesting. put up another piece soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





User avatar
45 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 45
Sat May 26, 2007 6:37 pm
omgsh mikey says...



This is really interesting. I hope you'll update soon. :)
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 61
Sun May 27, 2007 1:12 am
BrokenSword says...



Hugh Vaughn was contemplating on whether he should enter the ballroom that had been hosted by his sister Rowena.


I think this whole sentence is a little too much information at one time. Beginning the story, I don't care that Hugh was contemplating on whether or not he should enter the ballroom, because I don't know his character. Describe what he's feeling. Is he nervous? Tense? Excited?...and then lead into the fact that he is contemplating going in there.

Some more detailed descriptions of the ballroom itself would be nice as well.

Also, "the ballrooom that had been hosted by his sister" is inncorrectly worded. I think it should be "ballroom dance".

ow here he was attempting to enter into a huge room with creatures that possessed eyes and a mouth.


*snip*

Hugh was a very intelligent and good-looking man who possessed the title of a marques. Not only did he possess wealth, charm and a delicious title, he possessed all the qualities of a gentleman.


"Possess/possessed" is a little over-used here...

She seemed to have been drunk or was it just an accident?


Change to: "she seemed to have been drunk...or was it just an accident?"

Hugh decided that since he already planned to marry her, he might as well bask in the moment. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss.


I think this could be introduced a little slower. For me, as I was reading it, it seemed very jarring that Hugh would suddenly decide to be kissing this woman whom he had abruptly decided to marry, and yet just a few minutes ago he was warning her to stay away. Maybe you could come into it a little easier and slower.

--

I really like what you've done so far. I enjoy your writing style and your character's dialouge is very believable. I look forward to reading more!
  





User avatar
378 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1215
Reviews: 378
Mon May 28, 2007 10:37 pm
sokool15 says...



*echoes BrokenSword* I agree. Your general style is engaging and fun to read, but...ahem...kissing even before the first date? And marrying right afterwards? :? Nah. Everybody likes romance, but part of the great thing about this sort of romance is the suspense leading up to the coming together at the end. (Um, just my opinion here, if anyone disagrees, please forgive. *sheepish grin*)

Yours I remain, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Wed May 30, 2007 2:16 am
ShadowofLight says...



Interesting. You should post more.
Chaotic evil means never having to say your sorry.
  








I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney