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Super Boy:



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Sat Jun 09, 2007 5:17 pm
SASSYLADY333 says...



Super Boy

Prologue

There it was hanging and gliding back and forth , the villain upside down held by a single rope that kept him alive. He was high in a sky scarper where ten FBI helicopters cut him and put him into custody. He had been bagged by a sack, so the officers bringing him in had no problem.

People in the city every , were so grateful, but it was a large amount of grief that kept their joy at bay. It wasn't’t that the city had nearly gotten blown up, people dead, and important businesses lost.

It was Superman, their golden hero of many years left in a hospital after saving the city from the villains whose names not be so freely uttered in the future. Superman had nearly lost in the battle of all good verses evil, unknown to the civilians of Metropolis Superman had a weakness, a weakness that left him on his death bed that day. Two weeks after Superman had saved the city from a multi-nuclear bomb, Louis Lane and her son Jason visited Superman in his death bed. But in that very visit Superman was suddenly well and vanished. That day where the sun was left glistening on the ocean…

Meanwhile in the White House , a special team from the CIA, looked over the important document about the one and only weakness of Superman. It was agreed that the files be kept in a secret safe where only three members of the team could know of its where abouts. Until a year later all of the secret subject was destroyed by orders.

And for one specialist, that was just fine, it was perfect. All he had to do was have patience, and in the future nothing could stop him…


Chapter One

Twelve years later, in a school cafeteria in an ordinary high school students read their latest edition of Top News. It was the very back page that seemed to interest most.

Especially those who were friends of Fonda Gears, who patiently sat eating her lunch as her friends read with fury.


Letter To Bailey High’s Top Readers:

‘All know the name of Superman, but it is only in the last few years we know the name of Super Boy; Superman’s son. Super Boy has chosen to follow in the footsteps of his father, stopping crime and hearing the cry of the innocent.

It was to the world’s astonishment when he restarted the family business at eleven years old. He was in deed considered the most amazing fifth grader in the world.

Now he’s sixteen years old, his great efforts going strong. But who is he, how does he do it? Is he like any other teenager, moody and rebellious? Can his super genes deter that?

How does he stop robberies and finish all his home work on time?
The world may ask and wonder, but not me I’m a reporter. And I’ll cover Super Boy with every fiber of my being. I can and I will succeed to fulfill the curiosity of our community.

This has been a letter to you, personally from Bailey High School’s Top Reporter.

Sincerely,

Fonda Gears


Catherine but down her copy of the paper in amazement, “ Are you insane Fonnie?”

“ Yes, but I’ve learned to accept it.” Fonda shrugged taking a bite of her apple skins.

Daniel was a little irritated Fonda could tell, “ What are you going to do? Stalk Super Boy? Or better yet, feed him lunch after a hard day of work for one question?”

She nodded her head she was well prepared for her friends valued opinions, “ No, of course not. The last thing I want to do is make him feel stalked. I want him to be open with us; his peers. Show us, he has a human side. You know, give him a chance to open up to our future gangs and criminals. As good as our school is, about fifty percent will choose the bad road. If people know he’s on our side, maybe he could make a difference in a whole new way. You know what I mean?”

Catherine was doing that weird thing with her eyebrows and said , “ Well, the girl does make a good point.”

Jason was wiping his foggy glasses once again, ‘What? Is she walking around here again? In her one inch skirts that could save twenty lives in Africa? Where is that Claire Dumont, that slut! ’

Fonda thought about saying that but stopped herself and said, “ What, do you think it’s a bad idea?”

Jason shook his head, “No, no it’s a good idea, and just you know journalism can get kind of dangerous.”

Her heart swelled up, at the idea of Jason having concern for her. Not that any one would ever know that. Fonda always held her composure and never showed people exactly how she felt.

“ Well, I thought long and hard about this for a year now. We all want to know more about Super Boy. And I have to do this, I have to take risks. If it turns out to be a bad idea then I’ll forget about it and respect his privacy. But you know curiosity drives me.”

The bell rang and she got up from the table and headed to class. She walked fast, hoping her idea was a good one. Surprisingly, even Fonda Gears had doubts.

* * *

“On November 3, take note I was imprisoned in the main directors office once again. The first time this year half understandable, but now this is harassment.

I mean I have classes to attend! As I am a busy journalist, attending classes when possible is very important. I mean I can’t let you know, who become Valedictorian.

So I’ll be recording this whole then, once again with out their permission.”

Fonda quickly hid her MP6 as principal Walker came in the room.

“ Were you saying something Fonda?”

Fonda laughed, “ What? No, sir.” She loved to mess with him.

Mr. Walker sat down in his desk, and looked at her seriously. And Fonda wore her simple, innocent smile to annoy him.” Now about this months edition of Top News.”

“ It’s fabulous right? Who knew every one was taking pottery and art over home economics?”

“ Not that, the news letter!”

“ Oh, that, it’s just a tiny little letter. Kind of like our mini adds really. I’m sure no one saw it.”

Mr. Walker stood up in anger and began to shout, “No one saw it? It covered an entire page on the back!”

“ Exactly who would look on the back?”

“ EVERYONE in this darn school is talking about it!”

She gasped , “Oh, no! are you telling me I’m a victim of gossip!” Fonda leaned toward him a look of concern on her face, “ Well, Mr. Walker I’ll have to do, what I’ve always done. Ignore people, I’m sure your very concerned about me, but really I’ll be fine.”

Mr. Walker was left in awe, his bald head spinning, and Fonda got up and left the room in a hurry. Just as she walked down the hall she heard him screaming the secretary’s name.

Before Fonda’s laugh could even be heard the bell rang and school was over. She hurried to her locker to get her back pack. As she closed the locker she saw Jason standing there, waiting for her.

“ Oh, uh…hi Jason.”

“ Hey, Fonda. I was wondering…”

“ What?” Possibles were spinning in her head.

“ You know how you always get the stories and I take the pictures…”

“ Oh, don’t worry if you don’t want to take pictures of Super Boy it’s fine with me.” Of course Fonda liked that Jason was the one taking the pictures.

“ No, no I do I just wanted to make sure we were doing this together.”

Fonda always in a hurry began, walking down the hall, “ What do you mean together?”

She always got her stories by herself; it’s what Fonda called her alone time. Plus it was always an exciting rush she got finding something out that only she knew and getting home on time to write about it. Fonda had to share that now? Well, then, who other than Jason?

But how could she handle that? Jason’s job was to take the pictures, and pictures only sometimes no questions asked.

“ But, why? You know I always do research on my own. And you never seemed interested before.” Fonda was about to turn down the main hall when he grabbed her arm and said,

“ Because it’s dangerous okay? You know that I know Super Boy, and his life isn't’t something we can follow unscathed.”

She nodded thinking; ‘Jason’s family is close to Superman’s family I guess they have family dinners occasionally.’

“ I see what you mean, this is going to be a challenge Jason, and if you want to come along for the ride that’s fine.”

“ We work together then,” he said, “ It’s decided.”

And in a midst of a bunch of cheerleaders, Jason was gone.

Fonda regained her composure and walked down the hall, she had some sniffing to do. Where there was chaos there was a story and she was on a hunt.
Last edited by SASSYLADY333 on Sun Jun 10, 2007 3:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:28 am
damned_bullet93 says...



Hello there, I see you've uploaded a prologue!

There it was hanging and gliding back and forth , the villain upside down hanging by a single rope that kept him alive.


That's kind redundant, don't you think? Change the word 'hanging'.

But in that very visit Superman was suddenly well and vanished. That day where the sun was left glistening on the ocean...


The last sentence doesn't really connect to the previous one, I think you can merge it into one sentence, but that's just me.

Okay, the prologue is nice, but maybe you could focus more on how Superman died instead of him saving the world (Everyone already knows he's cool). Omg, then you make his death like really dramatic... And you should also mention how Superboy's feelings. But that's a great prologue! Update soon!

Right, there goes my review! Hey, do I sound [mean]???

EDIT by Sam: I would have put 'silly poo-poo head', but I resisted. Remember the language rules outside of literary works!
Last edited by damned_bullet93 on Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
:D :D :D :D :D :D Sure.
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:35 am
biancarayne says...



There it was hanging and gliding back and forth , the villain upside down hanging by a single rope that kept him alive. He was high hanging from a sky scarper

I think there's too much repetition of hanging in that...oh, and i think it's sky scraper. And as for the whole prologue, def. an excellent idea, but to me it seemed a little bit rushed. Mebbe you should take a wee bit more time to kinda develop it, if ya know what I mean.

Daniel was a little irritated Fonda could tell, “ What are you going to do? Stalk Super Boy? Or better yet, feed him lunch after a hard day of work for one question?”

This doesn't read quite right...I think maybe Fonda could tell Daniel was a little irritated?l

She nodded her head she was well prepared for her friends valued opinions

I don't think this is really grammatically correct either...i think perhaps either separating it into two sentences or putting in "as" after head.

Catherine was doing that weird thing with her eyebrows and said , “ Well, the girl does make a good point.”

I think mebbe you should describe the weird thing she was doin with her eyes a little better

And in a mist of a bunch of cheerleaders, Jason was gone.

I think it should be in the midst, but I'm sure.


Overall, this was definitely very good and I can see it leading to something very, very interesting especially with your prologue. However, I think some more detail would be nice, though that might just be me. .
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:08 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thank you two for your reviews! Helps very much, thanks for pointing stuff out that I over looked! :)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 2:53 am
Sam says...



Hey, Sassy Lady!

This was a really cool story- it's definitely different. I loved Fonda, the reporter...she was super cool. One must often risk lives for good journalism, indeed. :wink:

There was one thing I would have liked to see more of, though- and that was humor. This is obviously not your average story, so why treat it like it is? Make it as big and outrageous as possible. There were a few sections where the narrative kind of fell flat, and then parts about little details (like the skirt) that were absolutely hilarious. Bring those out!

A few ideas for outrageousness:

- Really describe the beginning, with the villain? Yup, that needs to be a lot more extreme. We're not quite sure if you're writing an action story or what from the beginning, so make sure we know whether or not it's supposed to be funny from the start. Then it doesn't feel like inappropriate laughter. :P

- Bring out the characters' quirks more, especially when they're talking. Human nature is funnier than anything else any comedian could ever come up with.

- Make sure everything in your story is big and exaggerated. When you're writing for the humor, you want to make everyday things seem surreal- that's where we get the humor. Take the mundane things (like waiting in lunch) and make them seem extraordinary.

Hope to see more of Superboy soon! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else. :D
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 3:16 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



God, finally someone got the skirt part. lol. Yeah I need to work on developing my characters more and deciding upon the other all view of the story I thank you for pointing these things out. :D
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 3:22 am
Black Ghost says...



SASSYLADY333 wrote:There it was hanging and gliding back and forth , the villain upside down hanging by a single rope that kept him alive. He was high hanging from a sky scarper where ten FBI helicopters cut him and put him into custody. He had been bagged by a sack, so the officers bringing him in had no problem.


You use the word hanging three times in the same paragraph. When editing, try to cut out words that you use more than twice and replace them with something else. It helps make the story flow better since repeating the same thing over and over again bores a reader. Thesaurases are your friends. :D

SASSYLADY333 wrote:People in the city every , were so grateful, but it was a large amount of grief that kept their joy at bay. It wasn’t that the city had nearly gotten blown up, people dead, and important businesses lost.


I'm not really understanding what you are trying to say in this paragraph. Had people nearly got blown up? And also, the first bit--"People in the city every, were so grateful.." Doesn't make sense. Change it to "People in the city were so graceful..."

SASSYLADY333 wrote:Superman had nearly lost in the battle of all good verses evil, and unknown to the civilians of Metropolis Superman had a weakness; a weakness that left him on his death bed that day.


RED=things I've added.

Hmm..for the rest of the prologue, I thougt it was rushed and way too vague. Slow it down a little, a prologue doesn't have to be short. Expand on some the things you describe, maybe even turn them into full scenes. Don't just explain things quickly just so the reader can get caught up.

Here are some other things I've noticed that need a second look:

SASSYLADY333 wrote:Twelve years later, in a school cafeteria in an ordinary high school students read their latest edition of Top News. It was the very back page that seemed to interest most.


Your biggest problem in this whole thing is your grammar and punctuation. Proofread as much as you can before posting something. Make sure you have enough commas in your writing.

SASSYLADY333 wrote:Jason was wiping his foggy glasses once again, ‘What? Is she walking around here again[s]?[/s] in her one inch skirts that could save twenty lives in Africa? Where is [s]that[/s] Claire Dumont, that slut! ’


SASSYLADY333 wrote:Fonda thought about saying that but stopped herself [s]and said[/s], “ What, do you think it’s a bad idea?”


You get the idea. Just go through your work again, and look for uneeded words and phrases. This helps to make your story a lot more readable and enjoyable. As for the plot as a whole, I think it's really interesting how Super Boy is picking up on his dad's legacy. Now if you just go through and edit, it would be a lot easier to see the great plot developments you have set up, and make the story that much more better.

Happy Writing,
Tony
  





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Sun Jun 10, 2007 4:09 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thanks Tony! You caught things no one esle did. And I think once I make some adjustments my wirititng wil be more enjoyable. :). hope you like what I have for the future.
  





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Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:25 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



I hope you'll like chapter two!
  





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Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:53 am
biancarayne says...



People in the city every , were so grateful, but it was a large amount of grief that kept their joy at bay.

?? Was the city called Every, or was this a misstype or something??


It was Superman, their golden hero of many years left in a hospital after saving the city from the villains whose names not be so freely uttered in the future.

...maybe whose names need not be so freely uttered in the future??

Superman had nearly lost in the battle of all good verses evil, unknown to the civilians of Metropolis Superman had a weakness, a weakness that left him on his death bed that day. Two weeks after Superman had saved the city from a multi-nuclear bomb, Louis Lane and her son Jason visited Superman in his death bed.

Mmkay, I actually think you should expand the Superman's death thing...like, what was his weakness? Kryptonite? I think expanding on this scene actually would be cool.

It was the very back page that seemed to interest most.
Especially those who were friends of Fonda Gears, who patiently sat eating her lunch as her friends read with fury.

I think you should combine those two parts into one sentence.

She nodded her head she was well prepared for her friends

Needs to be friend's, not friends...


Fonda regained her composure and walked down the hall, she had some sniffing to do.

The comma needs to be a period I think.

Otherwise though, this is still an awesome write, and I can't wait 'til you add more to this!! Otherwise, watch out for typos...
  





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Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:00 am
TellATaleForTwo says...



Hey SASSYLADY!

I just wanted to say that i really liked this! It's a spin-off from the last Superman movie right? I think that was a good idea, though i think that would make it a Fan-Fic, not sure. Anyway! It was really good! I like Fonda and Jason, espesially Jason. XD But that is expected of me.

Anyway, I really like Fonda's personality, shes smart, shes mishcievious, and shes responsible, she can get down to work when its needed. She isnt always messing around. Thats good cause it makes her a stable character and it's easier for you as the writer to plan in your head what she will do next.

Though I do have a couple other things to point out.

I think you should work on showing more than telling. The entire first part, mostly the prologue, seemed as if you were just telling me what was going on. What you want to do is describe things more. Make the reader feel as if they are there. It can be hard, I know. You can get caught up in the story and you forget that the reader isnt actually in your head seeing it the way you do. I'm not that good with it myself either. Work at it, it'll get easier.

Also, I think you should read through a couple more times to get some of the puntuation and spelling mistakes.

Other than that I think you may be good to go! You seem to have a good, positive outlook on things, so i hope this was of some help to you.

Can't wait to read the rest!

~Tina :D
"Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past."

~Kate and Leopold
  





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Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:45 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Thanks Tina! ;)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  








I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield