Young Writers Society

Okay, I don't really like this, but I thought I would put it up anyway. Please critique it, and tell me if you think it's any good.


____



The music came, sometimes, like a challenge thrust upon her. She worked to keep time with the metronome, relishing in every perfect note, every gently crescendo-ing scale, every emotion-filled chord. I watched her cringe when she lost rhythm, stumbling over the white field in an effort to find her place again, dodging black obstacles all the while. At points, to my amazement, she would close her eyes. She continued jumping over gaps with precision.

It dazzled me, the way she played. I was both jealous and captivated. She wouldn’t allow a silent audience much, but when she did, Mr. Decker and I listened. Yeah, her technical skills were great, but Hannah had something extra. Something that could make you watch her play for hours on end. The sound enveloped her. She leaned and arched with the music. Her eyebrows furrowed and rose.

The end of the song came with a startle. It took a moment for me to realize the song was over, and that Mr. Decker was clapping. Hannah leaned back and bowed her head, smiling into her knees.

“Very well done,” said Mr. Decker over his applause. He had an odd way of clapping. His hands seemed to flop together instead of moving deliberately.

“Still let the tempo slow in the middle. I always do that.” She shook her head a little and straightened her sheet music.

“Well, that can be fixed quite easily. All in all, fantastic work,” Decker cooed at Hannah, and she smiled and glanced at the clock. Decker followed her gaze.

“Ah, class time is over for today. I want you both to concentrate on dynamics this week, and I’ll see you both next week!”

We picked up our sheet music from the two pianos, and I opened the door, ushering her out with a sweep of my arm. She curtsied, laughing, and I followed her into the hall. Normally we would have run down the stairs at top speed, but today it was hotter than usual. Sweat had been sliding down our foreheads all afternoon, even with the windows in the Piano Room opened wide; apparently there was no breeze to greet them.

“Ugh. I keep slowing down on those tricky inclines,” said Hannah as we walked down the staircase. The sound of our steps echoed as we went, making little shadow-noises behind us.

“Well, that’s why they’re tricky.”

I caught Hannah eyeing me and I grinned. “You’re doing great. Don’t worry about it.”

“I just pray I don’t mess up when recital comes. Mom's whole family's always there, you know?”

“Hannah,” I said, trying to keep from laughing, “the recital isn’t for weeks. Besides, my grandma always says, “You know, you could be something if you practiced like that girl.”

Hannah laughed, but I was serious. Hannah was always the kid that everybody else’s parents held up as an example. That was half the reason I spent more time at her house than mine. The other half was that her mom could cook more than just Pizza Rolls and instant mashed potatoes.

When we reached the front door, I peered through the distorted glass window at the top. Nobody was here to pick us up yet.

We shifted our weight on our heels for a few moments before we could think of something to say.

“Hey, you wanna come to my birthday party this weekend?” she finally asked.

Her eyes were eager. I didn’t know if I would have a ride, but I said “yes” anyway.

"I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to wear."

I smiled. The thick, warm air was making me drowsy, and I couldn't stop staring at her.

"You'll look good in whatever you pick."

"Thanks."

We talked about her plans for a while longer. When she realized she was rambling, she stopped, stood on tip-toe, and spotted her car outside.

“Well,” she said, putting her hair behind her ears, “that’s my dad. I’ll call you later, okay, Jeremy?”

She ran out the door, barely waiting for my reply. I watched her jog out to the dusty minivan.

You know, I thought to myself, If I would pay more attention, and she’d just slow down a little, we could possibly have the deepest philosophical conversations ever known.

Or, she might get the hints.

___

Ick. I really don't like this. Please give me any suggestions as to how I could fix it.

--Haley

I really liked this! The piece was very cute. I thought it was interesting how, even though it's in first person, you developed the 'Hannah' character more than the 'I' character. I didn't want it to be over so soon...I'm a musician, so a romance incorporating musicians is really neat.

Only one specific point I noticed:

Something that could make you watch her play for hours on end. She seemed to be enveloped in the sound. She leaned and arched with the music. Her eyebrows furrowed and rose.

I don't like 'She leaned and arched with the music.' It just doesn't bring any actual images to mind. I would suggest trying to find something a little more specific...what emotions are you implying by 'leaning and arching?'

Oh, another thing...the first sentence - I didn't really get what it meant. It came on her sometimes? What came? It is, of course, very possible that I"m so dense I didn't catch a later reference to 'it' but I didn't.

The last sentence..."Get the hints." All right, but a little too vague to be absolutely strong. We don't know what their conversations have been like so far...so we don't know. Has 'I' been dropping hints? Hints that he likes her?

Anyway, other than what I've mentioned above (some of which could be deliberate on your part, I'm sure) I really enjoyed this. Good work!

Yours most sincerely,

I thought it was really good. I can picture what Hannah is like when she's playing. You described it really well.

I liked how "I" turned out to be Jeremy, or a boy. The whole time i had a picture that this was her best friend (and a girl), so i liked the twist in the end.

The character of Decker confused me. Well, maybe not confused me... I didn't understand his role in the story. Was he a friend? Was he the teacher? (After re-reading it, i think that 's it.) anyways, i'd suggest clarifying that a little.

The last line also confused me. I have no doubt that it probably makes perfect sense to you, but the reader is left clueless. (Trust me. =) I speak from experience.)

Nice writing.

Very interesting. You kept me hooked on it beginning to end.

If I critiqued this, I'd be echoing the other two who posted before me, so I've got really nothing to say, other than it was very, very good.

I agree that you need to make Decker's role clearer. I got that he was probably their teacher but not until he was leaving the room. It's good though. Leans very heavily on the music aspect at the moment but that's okay. I have a few specific suggestions -

relishing in every perfect note, every gently crescendoing scale [I think this would be better as crescendo-ing scale because I was really tempted to pronounce it as crescen-doo-ing even though I know that's completely insane. Just a suggestion...]

I watched as she visibly cringed at points where she lost rhythm, stumbling over the while [I think you mean white here. Yeah, I'm pretty certain you do.] field in an effort to find her place again

I was equal parts jealous and captivated. [This might sound better as I was, in equal parts, jealous and captivated.]

You know, I though [Another typo. Should probably be thought.] to myself

_____________

Overall though, I don't see why you don't like it. A bit more description of Hannah would be nice and perhaps some of their scenery, a little more character interaction maybe but it's good as it is.

First off, I'd suggest going through and editing out for wordiness. Sometimes that alone can clear up many problems. For example, in the first paragraph or so:

It came, sometimes, like a challenge thrust upon her. She worked to keep time with the metronome, relishing in every perfect note, every gently crescendoing scale, every emotion-filled chord. I watched as she [s]visibly[/s] cringed [s]at points[/s] where she lost rhythm, stumbling over the while field[<-- Not too sure what's happening here] in an effort to find her place again, dodging black obstacles all the while. At points, to my amazement, she would close her eyes. She continued jumping over gaps with precision.

It dazzled me, the way she played. I was equal parts jealous and captivated. She wouldn’t allow a silent audience much, but when she did, Decker and I listened. Her technical skills were great, yeah[Normally, I'd say take this out, but I think if you run with this ~informal style, it'll be kinda cool]. But [s]that wasn’t quite all.[/s] Hannah had something extra. Something that could make you watch her [s]play[/s] for hours on end. She seemed to be enveloped in the sound. [I'd reword this to "The sound enveloped her" to clarify what you mean. It's easier to read; you get a better sense of what's happening, it seems, when the author is sure in what they say] She leaned and arched with the music. Her eyebrows furrowed and rose.

^On a related note, I'd find all the times you say "seems" or some form thereof, and decide if it's really necessary to what's happening. This word has a tendency to weaken what's being said. Don't be afraid to say what you mean!

“I just pray I don’t mess up when recital comes. You know my whole family on my Mom’s side comes to these things.”

Eep! Whenever a character says something like "you know it happens like this" or "haven't I told you yet?" or "so what you're saying is", a red light goes off in my head, saying "warning, info dump ahead" If he already knows this happens, why does she have to tell him?

“Hannah,” I said, trying to keep from laughing at her cute insecurity, “recital isn’t for weeks. You know you’ll dazzle your folks and mine, just like always. My grandma always says, “You know, you could be something if you practiced like that girl.”

Whoops! You left off the article "the" at the beginning of his speech. Now, you did the same thing after Hannah finished playing her piece, and it worked nicely as a speech characterization, but when he [:( I don't know his name, and I can't find it anywhere; doesn't matter too too much, though EDIT: Hahah! I've found it!] Jeremy says it as well, it takes away some of Hannah's personality. Just watch out for that in the future.

^ To the quote above: Argh! I can't stand it when people self-depricate. I find it horribly annoying. In real life, anyway. Actually, rereading it, it isn't that bad. Here's what I would change:

“Hannah,” I said, trying to keep from laughing [s]at her cute insecurity[/s] [I'd take this out to keep the reader guessing for a little while longer], “The recital isn’t for weeks. [s]You know you’ll dazzle your folks and mine, just like always.[/s]Besides my grandma always says, “You know, you could be something if you practiced like that girl.”

“I just pray I don’t mess up when recital comes. [s]You know my whole family on my Mom’s side comes to these things[/s] Mom's whole family's alway there, you know?.”

Hannah laughed, but I was serious. Hannah was always the kid that everybody else’s parents held up as an example. That was half the reason I spent more time at her house than mine. (The other half was that her mom could cook more than just Pizza Rolls and instant mashed potatoes.)

^Parentheses aren't really necessary, but that's not a very critical point. Funny paragraph, by the way

the way Hannah spoke, you got so wrapped up in her facial expressions and hand motions, you lost most of what she had said the moment the conversation ended.

Oh boy, I have no idea what that last part of the sentence is about. Because you usually lose what someone says when conversations end? What does that have to do with facial expressions?

You know, I though to myself, If I would pay more attention, and she’d just slow down a little, we could possibly have the most deeply philosophical conversations ever known.

Or, she might get the hints.

"the most deeply philisophical" would be tighter if it was either "the most philisophical conversation" or "the deepest philisophical conversation", otherwise, it's doubly redundant and trips.

In this same quote, I'd italicize Jeremy's thoughts, just to be clear on what he's narrating, and what he's actually thinking.

On the last line, I was waiting through the whole thing for there to be more hints Hannah was missing. Like she would catch Jeremy staring at her, or he would hold doors open for her, or trip up in a conversation, or something. I just think everything could be a little more... intense [though that seems like a strange word to use].

I also didn't get a sense of how old they are. Which doesn't matter too too much, but it's always nice to picture someone the correct age.

I think that this is deliciously short. I think if you cleaned it up a little, it would be wonderful. PM me if you need any help; I'd be glad to discuss it with you.

-Amelia

I think it's pretty good. even though you don't like it. i think you should continue it.

I thought it was good too. I liked your description of Hannah playing the piano, especially when you mentioned a white field with black obstacles.

The only thing is I was a little confused when the story first started, because it didn't seem like the person telling the story was even in the room, because the characters didn't seem to know he was there. (I, like some of the other readers, didn't know that the narrator was male. A nice twist, but I was really curious as to the gender early on in the story.)

Good work, I look forward to other chapters/parts if you continue this.

Thanks to both BrokenSword and Night Mistress. I think this will just be a stand alone piece. I have something much bigger in the works, though!

“Hey, you wanna come to my birthday party this weekend?”

Her eyes were eager. I didn’t know if I would have a ride, but I said “yes” anyway.

"I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to wear."

I found this sort of confusing; it was hard to know exactly who was talking, so you could add "she said" or "she asked" after Hannah's lines.

I know I probably differ from other people when I say this, but I'll say it anyway; I didn't like not knowing that it was from a guy's POV until the end. It changed too much of the story for me, since I read it as the narrator being Hannah's best friend and a girl.

Besides these small details, I loved your story. Being a music-obsessive myself, I was really pulled into the story. Keep it up!

I commend your decision to leave this as a stand alone piece, Joe. I think adding to it would make it seem less... magical, somehow.

Such a sad ending... poor guy.

There's some definite tightening to do with the language. I think the people above covered most of what I was going to say. My only thing is the use of "yeah" in the second paragraph. My thinking is, it would probably sound smoother if it were worded:

"Yes, her technical skills were great, but Hannah had something extra."

Otherwise, good job.

I'm back from camping, and ready to read-- oh, my... 1602 new posts since my last visit.



You busy bees! Well, I'll find some way to catch up.

thewonderworldofnight: I added a tag to that bit of dialoge to make it clearer. I'll try and see if I can slip in some gender hints, too.

Music-obsessed?! *high fives*

AmeliaOliver: I 'gree. I will be posting chapper one of my secret project soon!

(Hehe... I made your text olive, cause you're AmeliaOliver. Get it... hehe...heh....)

Flemzo: I know, I feel bad for him. How about this, I'll meet you half way. I like the "yeah", but I'll put it at the beginning of the sentence.

I'm off to plot! *skips away Luna-style*