Young Writers Society

This story no longer exists. I would delete it, but the confounded website won't let me. Since everyone said it was horrible, but didn't say how I could improve it, I decided that no one would care if it was deleted. I would accept constructive criticism, but I recieved none. No more commenting, please. I suppose you sixteen-year-olds and so on haven't noticed that I was twelve years old when I wrote this.

This was pretty... uh... well... it wasn't that great. There was a lot of angsty romanciness, no character development (in this kind of setting, it's the only thing that will make somebody like me possibly fathom liking something like this), and it's put in a kind of dated place. I mean really, an airport? How many lame, tearful airport scenes have we witnessed between the femininely gorgeous girl (and she almost always has blue eyes; why is this?) and the hunky man (who almost always has two inches of height over the girl) who absolutely cannot be together for reasons that nobody knows nor cares about?
Not new material, this, and it's pretty hard to make something good out of something that's as overused as this.

I would advise that you fill this out at the very least. But there is a difference between leaving a little mystery and making it so vague that nobody can understand what's going on - and because of this, nobody cares.
I think that you need to either make this something that is not quite so corny and cliched, or try again at another romance story.

I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

It's as you said: not very creative. If you have any intention of being a really good writer, creativity is certainly a good place to start. The only time this is not acceptable is when you're doing parodies (which to me are a required form).

At least you have your grammar and spelling, which is actually a difficult thing with some writers. Maybe they just can't find the spell check, I don't know.

But it really is...common. I would say reading a variety of passages and books to extend your knowledge about romance (and everything else). Also, put some more description (apparently a big problem of my own, though inverted). I recommend scratching the airport scene, and the whole family feud unless you're prepared to elaborate.

Other than that, I will say that it could have been at a higher disadvantage than it really is, so don't pour acid on your pencil or anything(trust me, the mess is definitely not worth it, I'd know).

And not to be mean, but what's with the RWs and short, oversweet goodbyes?

It was short and sweet but not very creative. But as a first its not all that bad. It is a bit cliche but nowadays a lot of things are in my opinion. Just try again and perhaps you'll be able to come up with a really good idea.

I still liked it!

keep trying!

C ya

Interesting. You need to add more. Give background on bothe character like how met and how they fell in love with each other.

It was well written, but the story, as everyone else has said, isn't that great at all.

Boy says goodbye to girl. A few tears. "We can't be together."

Boo hoo. Not.

But this one sentence had promise:

They came from completely different planets.

Why not use this idea in a real sense instead of a figurative one, and make it sci fi romance instead of romance romance?

"He looked down the terminal. He had to go soon. She smiled at him. His heart beat faster."
This is too broken up. Try to combine it. Like: "He looked down the long terminal anxiously. He had to leave! She smiled, that gorgous smile. He swore that his heart was going to come right out of his chest." Or something like that. Just make it flow better. And try not to repeat. "His heart beat faster" is basically like "his heart was beating". Just change the wording.

"Oh, please, don't look at me like that, he thought."
Try to put more emotion into this. Like, adding an exclamation mark at the end of that.

"She reached for his hand, but he pulled away. He couldn't touch her. If he did, he could never let her go."
Again, this is really choppy. I would suggest changing it so it flows better. And adding a lot more description.

I like it. It's just really short! You need a lot more description. Besides that, it's pretty good, especially for your first try! Hope this helped. Jamie Bondage

I pretty much agree with what everyone else. Flesh it out some, baby! You can make cliche work if you really want, just express it in a new way. Just you mentioning Romeo and Juliet immediately made me go 'oh, no'. It's been done so many, many times it's honestly gotten boring no matter what. If you want to do lovers that are destined not to be together, don't make it because of family and pleaseeee don't mention Romeo and Juliet/Shakespeare. Vary up your sentence structure some more, too. But I can see you have potential, and it's definitely good for a first try :]