Rule 1: Know yourself.
Now I know that I wasn’t the most attractive girl in school. That was for sure. Unlike my sister, I was just an ordinary fourteen, soon turning fifteen, year old girl.
Tif, my sis, had the perfect figure, her face was oval which gave her a doll like look accompanied by her eyes, but she, as she always reminded me, worked on herself. At sixteen years old, she had a double eye-lid. Now I know this is no big deal to all your European and Americans, but as a Korean, we have no line over our eye, that is consequently why our eyes look so small and also was the reason for so much teasing when we were younger by the usual boys who called us ‘Chinga’ and made faces.
Tif was an extremely persistent person, so it was no surprise when she came back from Korean one day with a double eye-lid which wasn’t there the last time I saw her. I won’t tell you how, because you probably don’t care but all I’ll say is that she looked incredibly…better, than she had.
She also practiced, practiced, and succeeded on becoming one of the flirtatious girl in the school. She was a prep and she had it all. She could get any guy she wanted and thrown him away at whatever time she wanted. I always wondered whether people looked at her and then at me and asked themselves, “What happened to the younger one?”
I on the other hand, wore no make-up, was not as skinny as my sister, and I definitely did not flirt. I had naturally large eyes, a small nose, and thin lips. My jaw was almost slender but not thin, but my chin was thin and pointed almost, I have no idea whose genes gave me my jaw. My hair was nothing special at all. Unlike Matt’s, unfortunately, my hair didn’t stand out. It was just the result of two very bad hair cuts and now I am leaving it to just grow as long as it wants, until it gets annoying of course. I had a short fringe and my hair did a slight curl up at the bottom, which irritated me immensely. Of course I had tried a few times to take on another road and follow my sister, but in the end I always detoured back and reminded myself to not try and fool my own mind, for I am who I am.
But there’s no hurt in trying to make yourself better right?
I knocked on my sisters door.
“Yeah?” She yelled over the loud music which was blasting in her room. I opened the door and saw my sister sitting at her vanity desk and making faces in the mirror with her hand making peace signs as she pouted and blew kisses. She sat there in her underwear and a loose t-shirt. That was her usual home apparel.
I went over to her ipod and turned the speakers off which were blasting a song by Hurricane Chris.
“Tif, we need to talk.” I went to her bed and sat down, hugging my knees to my chest.
“What is it?” She asked as she turned her chair towards me and faced me, twirling her hair around her fingers.
“I need help. There’s this new kid in school, and he is just so amazingly cute!” I sighed as I fantasized about his hair.
“Oh I see,” Tif said. She leaned back in her chair and looked at me, reading my mind. “Kris, you just need to be more confident. Seriously. Look at the way you’re sitting!”
I looked at myself, I was sitting with my knees hugged tightly to my chest. Also known as a fetal position. It was a defensive position which people or even animals make when they express insecurity or submissiveness. My knowledge is a result of Animal Planet seven days a week, well not anymore. It was like that when I was younger. I instantly let my feet fall to the ground.
“I am confident!” I defended myself. “What does this have to do with my confidence anyways?” I grumbled.
“Kris, you are unconfident. When you talk to boys you get shy, you get so insecure in front of my friends and you act like a little kid. You’re so annoying!” She cried. It might seem odd for her to get so angry so quickly, but there was a very reasonable reason for that. This conversation was like re-runs on Sunday afternoon TV. And it was always about the same thing. My lack of confidence. Her irritation was because of me. The fact that after we had talked about this so many times annoyed her, along with the fact that I hadn’t changed.
In my opinion I was confident. The first time she had told me this I was shocked for I thought I was confident. I was the loudest one in my class and I wasn’t afraid to go up and talk to any boy in school, it was only in front of the boys I liked that nervousness crept up on me, but ever since we had the first conversation about this I saw it little by little of how what she said seemed to be true.
This conversation had ended with the usual argument and yelling, mostly done by my sister but then the slamming of the door, done by me.
I went and sat on my bed and thought over about what I was doing. I had never gone for a guy because of the way he looked. When I was younger it seemed like an absurd idea. To me, it was always about the personality. Of course looks did come into account, but personality used to be all that mattered, that is, I realized, until today. I don’t even know the boy. I just find his looks so incredibly attractive. I had never dated a boy this cute before. How great would it be to date him? Then it hit me. I’d play a game! As long as I can get him, and I can prove myself that I can, then I’d win. I don’t know what would happen afterwards, I can just leave him, after he falls desperately in love with me, and yes I know it is incredibly self conceited and evil but imagine how fun it would be. Just as long as I don’t get too attached. And who knows, maybe I’ll keep him afterwards…
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