Young Writers Society

Sunset or sunrise?... The perfect ending or the new beginning?

Everyone has a different vision of what's beautiful; for some it's a hot bath after a long day at work, their dreams of a better life spent in warmth and surrounded by bubbles, gently popping on their skin. For others, it's the sounds of the birds outside their window as the sun comes up, their playful melodies entwining with one another to create a song - not manufactured pop but something much better - raw, unaltered and pure beauty.

I have a different vision - not an object, or achievement but a dream; a dream that comes back time after time, drawing me in further.

I see a girl. She walks along a path; not knowing where it will lead her and with not a care in the world, she keeps walking. The jacket on her back shields her warm as the first few leaves begin to fall, the sleeves cover her hands - their delicate structures like the bare branches on the trees.

The sun rises; its mid-morning glints flicker through the trees like a sparkler and hit the dew drops formed on the damp ground surrounding her. I feel the warmth as it hits her; the golden rays covering her unblemished face and the glimmers of light reflect off of her hair; a red, phoenix-coloured vision, ablaze with life.

She stops and waits. The sun soars further and further into the sky; its hue turning the dusty air into a crystal ocean-blue field, with soft clouds of white drifting across - their figures constantly transform, giving an endless chain of dreamland and exclusivity.

A tear rolls from her eye. He didn't meet her. He didn't venture to the place they said they would be happy together. She drops to the floor and draws into herself; the stream of tears flowing down her face and her sobs calling out, echoing amongst the leaves, the rocks, the trees and leaves.

It is only when she looks up that she smiles, that the sheer joy and happiness envelope her as he says, "Don't be afraid to look a little further next time..."

What vision lies through your window....

Okay, first of all, I totally loved this. It flowed wonderfully and it was such a beautiful rhythm that it almost felt like a poem. I think that your use of imagery was amazing, as well. A few small nit-picks, though.

I see a girl. She walks along a path; unknowing of where it will lead her and with not a care in the world, she keeps walking. The jacket on her back shields her warmth as the first few leaves begin to fall; the sleeves cover her hands - their delicate structures like the bare branches on the trees.

Okay, the first segment that I highlighted in pink: I think this sounds a little awkward. Now, I could very well be wrong, but just the "unknowing of where it will lead her" part sounds... off. Maybe if you changed it to "not knowing where it will lead her" or something? I don't know. You don't have to change it, because it could be 100% correct for all I know, but yeah... it just seems a little awkward.

The second pink segment: Is that semi-colon the right punctuation? I think it would be better as a period, a semi-colon just doesn't seem like the right thing there.

[from the end of the paragraph below that one]

the golden rays covering her unblemished face and the glimmers of light reflect off of her hair; a red, phoenix-coloured vision, ablaze with life.

Yep. I think that's all and those are just minor. Overall, it was so amazing. I really loved it

Okay, this was pretty good. You used really amazing words that made the story flow well and keeps the reader interested. There were a couple of grammar mistakes, like the one below. (They're all easy fixes.)

It is only when she looks up that she smiles, that the sheer joy and happiness envelope her as he says, "Don't be afraid to look a little further next time..."

The comma is bolded.

Anyway, I thought this was really well written. This is just me, but I really wisht that you had added a story to go along with it. To me there isn't that connection with your characters and the story needs background. Again, that's just me. Your writing is really good and I like it a lot. Keep it up!

Cheers,
Luxe

Hey there!

I think this was a pretty good short story. It flowed nicely and your descriptions were really great too, giving way to beautiful imagery. I could imagine the scenes clearly, so great job.

For others, its the sounds

'its' should be 'it's'

Now, as much as I like this story, there was something that annoyed me. You seem to use a lot of semi-colons and I think it takes away from the piece. Used correctly, they are effective. But when you use them a lot throughout the piece, they become distracting, I think. It was hard to concentrate on the story - it was almost like I found myself counting the semi-colons rather than enjoying the story. Once I got past them though, I did get to see how great the story was. I'd just suggest cutting down on how many you use. Most of them can stand to be replaced with commas.

their figures constantly transform; giving an endless chain of dreamland and exclusivity.

Like this one for example.

I'm not telling you to never use them again. I just think it would be better, and more effective to your story, if you only used them sparingly. Look at it this way, if you read a story full of commas, you start skipping over them all together, just so you can see what's behind them, concentrate on the story.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I just want your story to be the best it can be

xDudettex

Thanks very much for all the comments guys!

I've amended the errors that you've pointed out and they really do help make the description flow a lot smoother.

I'm glad you liked it and look out for a few more pieces which will hopefully showcase these feelings with more of a background story.

This is totally amazing but I don't have time for a full review now so I promise I will be back tomorrow after soccer practice. Please forgive me.

Ok I'm back! Like I said before, I absolutely adore this piece. One of the best things I've read in a while!

Sunset or sunrise?... The perfect ending or the new beginning?

I love this. Perfect way to start. It definitely got me thinking!

The sun rises; its mid-morning glints flicker through the trees like a sparkler and hit the dew drops formed on the damp ground surrounding her. I feel the warmth as it hits her; the golden rays covering her unblemished face and the glimmers of light reflect off of her hair; a red, phoenix-coloured vision, ablaze with live.

It's really amazing how you describe the girl, but shouldn't that "live" be a "life"? Maybe not, it just sounded better to me...

It is only when she looks up that she smiles, that the sheer joy and happiness envelope her as he says, "Don't be afraid to look a little further next time..."

I really really like this part. I didn't see it coming so it was a nice change-up.

Wow- this is a really amazing piece. I think it's already been critiqued a few times so there wasn't much for me to correct. I really love the way you describe things. Your word choice and creativity is really amazing. My favorite parts were the beginning question and the last sentence. They are just such a nice way to begin and end!
Keep on writing!!!

~Ktg