Young Writers Society

Til Summer Comes Around

It happened last year. I was 16. I was new to the town of Chultz, and wasn't really looking forward to meeting any new people. Our house was one of the “rich people's” houses. It was on the beach, and every morning when you woke up, you could smell the salt water. The sun would poke through the curtains and greet you like a morning kiss.
My mom was young and she had men crawling all over her. She was a veterinarian with sandy blonde hair and peachy lips. Her eyes were ocean blue and her cheek bones were high. She was small and petite, but she was beautiful and she knew it.
My father left my mom when I was 3. I never knew the man, and now all he does is call on the holidays and my birthday. I have only seen him in pictures and he never seemed to smile. That's all I really know about my dad.
I was getting my boxes arranged when a boy around my age knocked on my sliding door. He had the most beautiful green eyes that sparkled when he smiled. He was tan and looked to be athletic. He was tall and his hair was a chestnut brown with natural highlights. He was wearing Abercrombie swim trunks and a white tank top. He looked like he belonged in an Abercrombie magazine.
I walked to the door and opened it
“Hey, welcome to pretty Island. I'm Duke,” he said as he extended his hand. I looked at it before shaking it and saying,
“Thanks, I'm Zoey.” He smiled and it was heartwarming. So I smiled back. Now it was the first week of June, and already it was hot. The sun beat down on the water and made it shine. It was bright. Duke saw me looking, turned, and asked,
“Have you seen the ocean from boat?”
“No I haven't.”
“Would you like to?” That was a question I did not know how to answer.
“Sure,” I said.
“Great. I'll pick you up at around 10:30, ok?”
“Yeah, thanks. See you later. Bye.” Wow, already my first day here and I already made a date with a cute boy. I felt like I may actually fit in.
It was about six o'clock when my mom returned home. I had unpacked all my boxes and organized my room. I made spaghetti for dinner and was eating as she walked in.
“Hey, honey,” she said.
“Hi mom. How was work?”
“It was busy. How was your day?”
“Well, I met this really cute cute kid named Duke, and he's gonna take me “sight seeing” tomorrow.” I hoped she didn't hear that bit of sarcasm in my voice.
“Oh, that's nice. Just don't stay out late 'kay?”
“Yeah mom. Sure.” She gave me a soft smile then gave me a kiss on my head as she wandered over to the living room.
I decided to go take a walk and explore a little on my own. I walked down to the edge of the beach and let the water climb over my feet. I sat on the sand and watched the sun set. It was beautiful. I got up and walked down the beach into the darkened night..

Hi Boo!

So, I'm wondering what this will lead to. Will they have an adventure? Will they fight? Will they realize that each other is not who they think they are? Anyway, these are questions for the next chapter.

The second para describes her mother. I would like to see more of a 'show' type of description. What you're doing here is a lot of telling. Also; why not explore the relation between these two? Even a tiny smidge of this will give us a strong idea of your MC.
How did they become so rich with one working parent?

Hey, welcome to pretty Island.

Why is he calling it pretty island? Is it the name? If yes, it should be capitalized, no?

“Have you seen the ocean from boat?”
“No I haven't.”
“Would you like to?” That was a question I did not know how to answer.
“Sure,” I said.
“Great. I'll pick you up at around 10:30, ok?”

This is a very short conversation and doesn't seem quite believable that he;d automatically ask her such things and she'd accept. Seems weird. Especially for a 16 year old to agree.

The main thing you should focus on is description. Right now, you're settling for visual description, but you can go a whole new dimension more. Why is she attracted to him? Just the looks? Then, make him sound just as beautiful as she thinks he is. How beautiful is the sunset? Shrubbery's article on descriptionshould help you out.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
CHeers,
~Lava

Hey-oh!

I was new to the town of Chultz, and wasn't really looking forward to meeting any new people.

Why? This is all the mention we get of this, since the story immediately launches into how gorgeous their set-up is and how her mom is really pretty and popular and where her dad has gone. Is this why she doesn't want to meet new people? Is she shy? Is she afraid of getting close to someone and having them leave? Is she worried that she won't make a connection? Why? It just glosses over this and then she seems to be perfectly happy to meet Duke when the time comes. What is this?

My father left my mom when I was 3. I never knew the man, and now all he does is call on the holidays and my birthday. I have only seen him in pictures and he never seemed to smile. That's all I really know about my dad.

Is this important? Why are we getting this information here? Does it have some bearing on her character? Is this why she doesn't want to meet new people? I can't see how this could be it, though, seeing as how it happened when she was so young. As is, this information just feels kind of pointless. You could mention that her dad is gone when you mention that it's just her and her mom, but all of this information doesn't seem to serve any purpose. We don't care because we don't see the dad at all anyway. He doesn't have any importance in this story beyond the fact that he's gone. That's all you need right now.

I have to agree with Lava that the conversation between her and Duke feels really short for her to have agreed to go on a date with him. What sparks her interest? I thought she didn't want to meet new people. Is it because he's cute? That he's friendly? Why did she decide to meet this particular person when she didn't want to meet anyone?

I hoped she didn't hear that bit of sarcasm in my voice.

Why is she being sarcastic? I thought she was was actually excited about this. I mean, she talked about how she might actually fit in here. So why is she being all flippant about it now? *confuzzled*

This just... ends. Is there more? Does she go on the date? How does it go? Is there any future conflict, maybe resulting from her mom? Does she feel inadequate next to her and that's a reason she doesn't want to socialize? Does she not want to be like her mom, with guys crawling all over her? I dunno, I'm just throwing stuff out here but a large part of the story was setting up her parents and nothing came to pass with them, so I'm trying to see where that all ties in.

This seems like it could be the beginning to something interesting, but it needs a bit more "oomph", a bit more to hook us.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling