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Young Writers Society


Room 209



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Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:21 pm
HessicaJolt says...



'Room 209'
The symbols on the wooden door had become familiar to my eyes. Having walked into this room more than my own front door, it was understandable. I placed my hand on the cold door handle and smiled as I opened the door, clutching the vase in my free hand.

The smell hit me as soon as I walked into the room. It wasn't a bad smell, it was the smell of the flowers I had brought earlier. The lavender buds stood out against the white drapes of the far window. I loved looking out that window. The large oak right outside would sway, and shake as if alive and happy.

I moved over to the side of the bed. The sheets were white and clean, and the blanket was red. Her favorite color. Her.

She was fast asleep, her frail body rolled up in the blanket to keep warm. I gently set the vase down on the bed side table next to her, so to surprise her if she awoke. The vase held a variety of roses; each a different color. I knew she would love them, I just knew it. Roses were her favorite flower, she was even named after them.

My Rose, my lovely Rose, so beautiful she had to be showcased as a person rather than a flower. I smiled at that thought, staring at her thin lips. I then thought of better days; Days before the test. Pressing those lips against mine, cutting off her complaints and arguments. Her hair was thick and red, also covered in frizz that she would straighten out, although she never needed to. Her eyes were forest green, shining out from behind her thick lashes. She was skinny back then, too. Some people would say she was too skinny. I say she was perfect. I would wrap her up in my arms and kiss her as gently as I could, feeling like there was a possibility I could break her.

Her voice broke into my thoughts.

"Oh honey these are beautiful." She rasped, staring longingly to the roses next to her. I quickly stood up and grabbed a rose from the bunch and brought it up next to her face. She breathed in deeply, closing her thin eyelids and smiling.
"Thank you so much." She said, looking up at me once more. I smiled and leaned over, kissing her forehead and inhaling the particular smell of her.

She chuckled almost silently, and I could only tell she was laughing by the movement of her blanket. She slowly reached her hand up to my face, and placed it on my cheek.

"When was the last time you-" She paused for a moment to cough. "Shaved?" She asked, smiling once more. I then took one of my hands and held hers, and then with the other I felt the prickles of hair on my chin.

"I'm not sure." I answered, leaning down to rub my cheek against hers. She laughed once more, before the nurse erupted in the room. Pushing me out of the way she checked Rose's vitals, gave her some medicine, and changed the bag on the I.V. .

She then put her hand on the side of Roses' bald head, and smiled down at her.

"Your doin' a little better young lady, but you need to tell this young man that he can't come stumblin' in here at three in the mornin' jus'ta see you. Its way past visitin' hours." She said, sending a smirk my way.

"Can you make an acception? Just this once?" I spoke quickly, trying to think of excuses that I hadn't used before. I didn't want to leave; I rarely did leave at all. The lunches were pretty good for a hospital. I guess Cancer hospitals are better than other ones.

"How many of those am I gonna have to make?"

"Just one more....I promise." I lied quickly, adding a quick smile.

"Alright, but this is it!" She said, trying to sound stern and motherly as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

Rose giggled, and then coughed into her hand once more. I walked over to her, and laid down on the side of the bed without cords and wires. One year ago, she had been diagnosed with leukemia. April 22, two days after her birthday.
I deemed that day the worst of my life, and I can still remember holding her that night, telling her that everything would be okay. I would soon learn that it wouldn't be okay. It would only get worse as the cancer spread, and the kemo continued to do nothing.

Her eyes stood out from her white, and bruised looking face. They were a bit blurred, and looked tired and worn. Her skin was ice cold, and even paler than before. Her freckles were almost invisible.

But she was still Rose.

"You know...You rock the whole bald look. Totally hawt." I said, smiling and caressing her cheek. She laughed again, choking and telling me to shut up. I pulled her as close as I could without damaging any equipment, and kissed her forehead once more. She calmed down once more, and her breathing and heart rate slowed. Soon she was asleep, drooling on my t-shirt like she had done since we first slept together. While she was sleeping, I acted quickly. I took the small box from my pocket, and opened it up.

The ring sparkled up at me, as if smiling. I carefully took it out of the velvet carrier, and placed it on her hand. With that, I fell asleep.

"Young man? Young man, wake up."

I shifted in my sleep, and opened my eyes. I rubbed them quickly and stood up. I looked back at Rose, to make sure that she was still breathing, which she was. I smiled a smile of relief and turned back to the nurse. Her face was damp with tears, and her eyes were full of grief.

"I'm gonna tell you this, but your not allowed to tell that young lady. She might look strong, but in the inside, she really ain't. Now what I want you to do, is to spend as much time with her as ya can. I'm really sorry, sweetie." She whispered quickly, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"No." I said, abruptly and honestly. "She is going to make it. I know that-" With that, I erupted into sobs that I couldn't control. They overtook and shook my body, and the nurse held me at an attempt to get me to quiet down.

"Stay strong honey, she's wakin' up. She might just make it, save some hope for her. I'm not tellin' you this so you can go on a depression trip. Save some hope." With that, she left the room quickly, and I made my way back over to Rose's side. Her eyes fluttered open, and she moved her hand. The gleam of the ring hit her eyes, and she looked down at it.

"Whats this?" She rasped, trying to pick up her arm to see it better.

"Rose, Will you marry me."

I could see the tears start to cover her eyes, and she looked at me.

"N-N-No. No No NO NO." She started to cry, sobbing loudly as she took the ring off her finger and placed it on the side of the table.

"No. You deserve a wife that can have kids. That is healthy and strong and that can love you forever. I'm not strong enough for that. If I don't die now...I just know that I won't last long after-"

I cut her off abruptly. "There is no one better for me than you. I don't care if your sick now, and I don't care if your sick later. If you d-die now, I would still want you to be my wife, forever and for the rest of my life. I don't, and I never will, want any one other than you. Your my life. Your my sweet Rose, and your all I'll ever want. And I want you to be mine forever, even if your not here forever." Most of my words were choked off with sobs, and as I knelt down I pressed my face into the bed sheets and wept. Minutes passed by as I tried to regain my strength.

I pulled up my head, and looked at Rose. The ring was shining beautifully on her ring finger. Her hand was placed over her heart, but that heart was no longer beating.
Hess<3
  





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Tue Apr 12, 2011 1:46 am
UnicornNerd says...



Very sad!!! It almost mad rme cry, and it takes alot to do that. It was really good and you should keep writing!
  





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Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:07 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

It's way past visitin' hours.

"Can you make an exception? Just this once?"

It would only get worse as the cancer spread, and the chemo continued to do nothing.

I smiled with relief and turned back to the nurse.

You're my life. You're my sweet Rose, and you're all I'll ever want. And I want you to be mine forever, even if you're not here forever."


This was a great story, and I like how you've portrayed the couple and their relationship. I don't have anything else to say...

Keep up the great work!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:22 am
MandaPanda1031 says...



I like to review as I go- so I will write where I am and What I think.

P: Paragraph

Five P: Very descriptive, no spelling erors. VERY good, athough I'm curious about what the main character or whoever is talking is talking about... sounds like rose might be ill or something.

Ten P: OK now I realize she is ill with something- in the hospital. Still no erors that I can see.

Oh no.... Canser.. :(

How sweet! He put the ring in her palm while she was sleeping. Very sad to know the doctor doesn't think she'll live.

Poor rose! She won't marry him because of her inablity to have kids.... so sad.

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Now that I'm done- I LOVED it. Saw no spelling erors, but I couldn've missed them. It was very sad and I hope you decide to write more. Very good job, keep it up.
  





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Sun Apr 17, 2011 6:13 pm
TylynRae says...



This was really great, I'd like to say first. I only saw a few flaws, one being that you over use 'once more' a lot and... I can't remember the other one. But it was really good and it made me sad. I really like getting to see stories from a male perspective too, which is another reason why I liked this story. There is one part that gets a little confusing and I think that the people that commented before me caught the other errors that I did. But overall this is a solid piece that is very heart felt. Keep writing =]
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





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Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:11 am
Qoh16 says...



This was a great story. It was so sad. It had me reading til the end. I didn't see anything particularly wrong with it. Except maybe you should add a part where the narrator remembers a time where him and Rose were happy and healthy. Other than that, it was really good. Great job. Keep up the good work. Keep writing!!!!!! :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  





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Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:48 pm
tigershark17 says...



Ideas: great! I loved this story. Sweet and sad, and although you hear stories like this a lot, you had a unique way of telling it that really kept me reading. Fairly good details about Rose too, and you had very few fillers, so good job on that as well.

Organization: Good lead; caught my attention and drew me right in. Well paced overall, and it doesn't just STOP at the end which is good. It was easy enough to follow and not confusing.

Voice: Sounded like you care about the topic; you aren't just writing because you're bored, or something. You could have put in a little more detail and backstory about Rose, so that the reader will really care about her by the time she dies.

Word Choice: Good wording; a lot of your descriptions created pictures in my mind, so good job on that. Fairly good verbs throughout as well, and I didn't read anything that felt repetetive. That really puts me off, so the fact that you didn't have any of that made me enjoy the piece a lot more!

Sentence Fluency: Well crafted sentences for the most part, and good variety in length and structure. Good dialogue, and very consistent verb tense.

Conventions and Layout: A lot of distracting grammar and puctuation errors. Especially watch for capital and lowercase letters for dialogue brackets. I saw a lot of these getting mixed up. Please try to reread everything before you post it. A lot of people will spend so much time correcting things like this that they don't even pay much attention to the story, so it really is more beneficial to you, and the reader, if you correct these things beforehand.

Overall, an excellent job. I really enjoyed the unique voice this story took on. Good Job!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2011 7:22 am
katchaerin says...



This is such a sad story. Sad but beautiful. I love it. It had me crying by the near end of the story. I won't make any corrections on the grammar though. The previous reviews already mentioned about the grammar stuff and I'm not good in it myself.

Anyway, I have just noticed you haven't mentioned the couple's past experiences with each other. You know, back when everything was great and back when Rose was healthy. Maybe even giving us a glimpse of how strong their relationship had been would do. This would somehow strengthen the mood you had wanted to establish by the end of the story. It's just a suggestion, though, because you did perfectly well without it (and even managed to make me cry).

Beautiful. :) Keep writing! I can't wait to read more of your works. GOD bless!

-KAT <3
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