Young Writers Society

I have changed some names for people and places in here for protection
7th grade year last day of school
"Hey Ash, we have been friends since fourth grade and I was wondering if you would want to go out with me" He asked shyly.
"Yeah, sure" I replied


Summer 2010
"Ash, my mom is sending me to church school for high school." He mumbled
"No way Mat. Why does she do this to you. She doesn't let you stay afterschool to even be in orchestra practice much less spend time with friends." I said angrily.
"I don't know. We have 8th grade year together." He said.
"Yeah, We will see what to do when the end of the year comes." I said
I could hear his sigh on his side of the line.
2nd week of school Music class

"Why don't you guys break up. You are not the right couple"Krissy moaned.
"Is it okay with you?" Mat asked. I shrugged. I wore the mask of happiness when inside I was heart broken.
"You okay Ash?" Alycia asked. I nodded. Eventhough I knew she knew I was lying I continued to lie.
"He is an ass to break up with you just because Krissy told him to." She said.
After lunch Mat and I agreed to be friends. Lorena grabbed me and stuck her tongue out at him.
"Come on he is a faggot." She mumbled. During science class she cheered me up. After that Lorena,Nina and I headed over to the library.
"Come on Reese high school boys are hot, and at the library. That will cheer you up"Nina said.
END of first semester

"You going to Reese today for practice?" Mat asked.
"Yeah," I replied. I typed on the computer. By that time I had already got over Mat, and found a new crush.
"I was wondering you wanna go out?" Mat asked. My heart beated for a minute. Anger ranged through my body.
"No," I said
"Is it cause Jake?" He said
"what?" I said pretending to not know anything.
"You like him Krissy told me" He whispered.
"Fuck" I thought
"She is lying" I lied.
"Prove it."
"How" I asked
"Kiss me today after school before we leave." He said.
"Ew no! Fag!" I whispered.
"You do like him!"
"No, what does kissing you have to do what me liking someone?" I asked.
"Cause you don't like going out or kissing people if you have a crush!" He said.
"May it occur to you thag I don't like you anymore!" I whispered angrily.
I felt bad after saying that.
Same day walking to Reese High School


Krissy, Daniel, Alycia, Rebecca,Mat, and I walked over to Reese high school. Mat and I walked ahead of the others.
"Want me to carry your cello" Mat asked.
"No, it is fine." I said.
"So are you considering going out with me?" He said.
"I said no." I groaned.
"It is cold" I complained
"I know right "
"OMG! Mat!" Krissy yelled from behind us.
"What!" He yelled back.
"You just tried to grab your hand Ash!" Alycia said.
"What! Okay my hands stay in my pockets!" I said
Beging of 2nd semester
"Are you jealous of Mary?"Yami asked.
"Why would I be!"
"Cause Jake has a crush on her" she said
"Maybe."
"I never liked Jake"Mat said next to me
"Why?"
"Cause you like him."
"Well, you broke up with me" I said
"Your fault." Lorena said.
"Thats why I keep asking you out." He whinned
"And I say no everytime." I said
1 month before school ends
"The test were hard. We finally get our Math scores today." I said with excitment to Alycia, Yami, and Kathrine.
"Next month is Disney trip!"
Mat ,Krissy, and Lorena sat at our table.
"Look Jake" Mat tried to tease.
"I got over him. Thanks to Alycia for making me think he is gay!"
"He dressed Gay!" Alycia said
(We are sorry if any gay,people are offended. Please forgive us)
"Actually he is a Metrosexual!" yami said.
Alycia, kathy, Mat, and I,looked at her with,a confused look.
"They dress gay, but are straight!" She said
We all laughed.
"His new name is Metosexual!" Alycia said.
2 weeks before school ends

"How was disney?" Mat asked.
"Awesome! Here" I said as I handed him a keychain.
"For me"
"For you MY best guy friend." I said
"Ash, here was so nice to Metrosexual!"
"How?" Mat asked
"He lost a neckalace he bought for Mary, Ash gave him 20 bucks to go buy another one. " alycia said.
"I felt bad." I said
1 week before school ends

"Hey I herd yall talk about Metrosexual saying Ash use to like him!who is Metrosexual!" Mary said
"Your Boyfriend!" Yami said.
"Oh!" Mary laughed.
"You still,like him!" .
"No, thanks to a couple of friends they made him seem so metrosexual to me" I said."Anyways I have Jaden."
Day before graduation Dress Rehersal
"So you and Jaden broke up?"
"Yeah he moved to,Florida" I said.
"I am going to Reese." He said.
"Really, your mom let you?" I asked. He nodded.
"No talking" A teacher said.
" I have to ,tell you something" he said.
After the Rehersal the principal let us skipped the next period and we had a free period in the cafetiria.
Mat walked over and sat by me.
"I think I am Bi" He whispered in my ear.
"Okay” I said .
Graduation Respetion
Mat pulled me to the side of the line.
"You look cute." He said.
"You look hot in a tux" I said
"Next year at Reese you want to go out with me?" He asked. " I want you to think about it"
Last day of school
'Have you thought about it?' Mat's note said
I shrugged.
"I don't know"
'I am going to Reese to be with you'
I looked at him.
"He is kidding just,another wanna go out phase" I thought to myself.
I was right.
Summer 2011
'OMG! Guess what!' Krissy's text said.
'Wat!' I texted back
'Mat asked me out'
'Ewww gross'
I was secretly happy.

'OMG!!! Mat is over me!!!' I texted Alycia and Kathy.








Mat has not asked me out! Yay!!

Oi...... This piece needs a lot of work. It didn't really flow well, and as far as spelling and grammar goes....well, it looks like you copied it out of a diary where, due to the urgency to write the events all down, it is never proofread. Sorry. On the bright side, it's really interesting and I could see that you had some distress when this was occurring. (If I could give you some advice on him liking you.. He probably does, but perhaps not as much anymore to keep chasing after you. That, or he likes you so much that he feels useless in your life now and doesn't want to bother you anymore... or something along those lines). Okay, back onto your writing. There were numerous out-of-place commas, missing commas, and words that didn't belong.

"Hey Ash, we have been friends since fourth grade and I was wondering if you would want to go out with me" He asked shyly.
"Yeah, sure" I replied

"..go out with me" should have a comma after it. And so does "sure" in the next line. When writing in quotes, the quote always has some sort of punctuation line after what is said, even though it's not the end of the sentence yet. Also, when a person's name is in the sentence like the one you have there (when you are addressing them), there should be a comma. For example, this is how it should have been written.
"Hey, Ash we have been friends since fourth grade and I was wondering if you would want to go out with me," he asked shyly. "Yeah, sure," I replied.

"Come on Reese high school boys are hot, and at the library. That will cheer you up"Nina said.

Another thing, after the closing quotation mark, there should be a space. Spaces come after any word (except if it's the last word in a sentence), and any type of punctuation mark.
There were also many misspelled words. Make sure that, even if reviewers will point it out for you, that you proofread your story slowly and make sure every sentence, comma, period, mark, and letter is there and makes sense. The conventions of writing is, yes, a very long thing, but it's very important that you always know how to use it. That's the reason it was created; so other people can understand it properly. On a last note, good luck with Mat!

theLockedLibrary said a lot of it for me. You definitely have an interesting story that could go somewhere if you review and edit it to make the storyline tighter. I like how you tell the story through conversations; it's a new perspective. However, if you're going to do that, you should really take a look at quotation rules (and punctuation) and figure out how they work.

Make sure you don't drop punctuation like the period at the end of this sentence:

"Ash, my mom is sending me to church school for high school." He mumbled.

Using the right punctuation; "Why..." statements mean a question, which means there should be a question mark at the end.

"No way Mat. Why does she do this to you? She doesn't let you stay afterschool to even be in orchestra practice much less spend time with friends!" I said angrily.

Also, adverb! If you ever read Stephen King's On Writing, he talks about stylistic points of writing, and one of those is not using adverbs in dialogue. If you change the period to an exclamation point like I did in red, the reader should be able to infer on their own that she's not very happy with the situation.

I knew she knew I knew she knew... just one is enough.

"You okay Ash?" Alycia asked. I nodded. Even though [I knew-delete] she knew I was lying I continued to lie.

I mean... you are the narrator. If you say that she knows you're lying, then clearly you know that she knows you are lying and you really don't need to say so. :O Makes it less confusing for us readers.

So there was one conversation that happened between Ash and Mat on the computer, through chat I assume. Some parts of it I'm kind of confused about; which parts are what she actually types, and which parts does she only say out loud? Here I think you could use chatspeak to differentiate between the two; you do a little bit of that but a bigger difference could emphasize what is what. Italics might also work.

"Kiss me today after school before we leave." He said.

"Ew no! Fag!" I whispered.

She whispers, and yet Mat responds in the next chat line. :O /confused/

"May it occur to you thag I don't like you anymore!" I whispered angrily.

This sentence doesn't quite make sense, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Also, she's whispering again; does she actually type this? And if she doesn't, then why does she feel bad?

"I said no." I groaned.

"It is cold" I complained.

Usually you don't start a new paragraph unless a different person is talking. If she's still talking, don't start a new paragraph, and make it clear that she's trying to change the subject.

"You just tried to grab your hand Ash!" Alycia said.

Ash is trying to grab her own hand? I mean, I can guess what you wanted to say there, but fix it so that you actually say that Mat is trying to grab Ash's hand.

Missing capital letters and extra commas:

"Actually he is a Metrosexual!" Yami said.
Alycia, Kathy, Mat, and I,[delete comma]looked at her with,a confused look.

" I have to ,[delete comma] tell you something" he said.

If you can fix up the errors and put your story through a tough editing session, then I think it will turn into a really good story. You convey the emotions well, and I really feel for you; the delivery just needs work. Just up the mistakes and make your sentences cleaner.

On another note, I hope for your sake that Mat is over you... although it's hard to tell, because he may just be asking out Krissy to make you jealous. It depends on how he acts with her. In the meantime, there really isn't much you can do about it. You don't like him anymore, and that's that. Just keep making that clear to him whenever he asks, and let him move on too.
Hope this helps some, and definitely message me if you have any questions!

much of the editing necessities have been covered but I must note that when you employ He Said She Said at the end of a dialogue line the line should end with a comma, not a period.
alot of dialogue doesn't have appropriate punctuation and there are some misspellings. Go through a heavy edit.

Personally I wouldn't consider this much a story as not much is resolved and even if based on true events there's no sense of character growth for you or resolved conflict. I mean I've heard this 1000 times before. That said, it isn't bad at all, just something done to death. Like a poem about suicide for instance.

I'd say he may not be over you but you need to get over him. It's obvious he's confused and can't commit to you as a person fully and even at a young age this is what one needs in a relationship. It'll just cause drama, and come on, you're 14, you have time for drama when you grow up.

Keep up your writing.

Hey, Arisu. I don't normally do my reviews this way, but for now it seems like the easiest way in order to go trough everything thoroughly. Hope you don't mind. Also, another note I should add in is that I actually had started this review quite awhile ago for you but couldn't finish it, so it's a bit delayed. I point this out in case you've already made some editing to this. Here I go, on with the review.

So first off, I think that before posting a work it is wise to at least proofread your it first, at least once or twice before posting. There was quite a lot of missing periods, misplaced periods, misspelled words, non-capitalized proper nouns, missing spaces, and so forth. I corrected much of it, if not all of it. So I hope it's easier for you to spot and correct all these little errors soon when editing.

Overall, I think the pace was very quick and filled heavily with dialogue. Which is simply probably just the style of your story, which I can also understand. But when it comes to dialogue and especially when there's this much of it involved in your story, you want it to register smoothly in the readers head. You used quite a lot of "he said, I said, she said, etc." nearly each time after someone said something. Putting who said what is okay and everything, but only if you scatter it periodically enough to where the reader can understand who's saying what and where the conversation is going.

Here are my nitpicks, which will be in red, and comments, which will be in blue.

Arisu2533 wrote: I have changed some names for people and places in here for protection
7th grade year last day of school
"Hey Ash, we have been friends since fourth grade and I was wondering if you would want to go out with me(,)" he asked shyly.
"Yeah, sure(,)" I replied(.)


Summer 2010
"Ash, my mom is sending me to church school for high school(,)" he mumbled
"No way(,) Mat. Why does she do this to you(?) She doesn't let you stay after[space]school to even be in orchestra practice(,) much less spend time with friends(,)" I said angrily.
"I don't know. We have 8th grade year together(,)" he said.
"Yeah, we will see what to do when the end of the year comes(,)" I said(.)
I could hear his sigh on his side of the line. (I Think this sentence would sound much better as:"on the other end of the line.")

2nd week of school Music class

"Why don't you guys break up(?) You are not the right couple(,)"[space]Krissy moaned.
"Is it okay with you?" Mat asked. I shrugged. I wore the mask of happiness when inside I was heart broken.
"You okay(,) Ash?" Alycia asked. I nodded. Even[space]though I knew she knew I was lying I continued to lie.
"He is an ass to break up with you just because Krissy told him to(,)" she said.
After lunch(,) Mat and I agreed to be friends. Lorena grabbed me and stuck her tongue out at him.
"Come on(,) he is a faggot(,)" she mumbled. During science class she cheered me up. After that Lorena,[space]Nina and I headed over to the library.
"Come on(,) Reese high school boys are hot, and at the library. That will cheer you up(,)"[space]Nina said. (These few sentences read off very choppy. I think it would all sound a lot better if you tried rewording. Also, this is an important reason why commas and proper grammar are essential. when I read the part in the dialogue about)
END of first semester

"You going to Reese today for practice?" Mat asked.
"Yeah," I replied as I typed on the computer. By that time I had already gotten over Mat, and found a new crush.
"I was wondering(,) you wanna go out?" Mat asked. (I think there should be some kind of pause before he asks this question. Otherwise the dialogue seems rushed and unrealistic. I inserted a comma, but ellipsis would actually work great, too.) My heart beat for a minute. Anger ranged (I think this word "ranged" here should be "raged". But that's just a guess.) through my body.
"No," I said(.)
"Is it (')cause Jake?" he asked. (If you're going to shorten a word like 'because', it's best to add the apostrophe in front of it. Just a note.)
"What?" I said(,) pretending to not know anything.
"You like him(,) Krissy told me(,)" he whispered.
"Fuck" I thought(.)
"She is lying(,)" I lied.
"Prove it."
"How(?)" I asked(.)
"Kiss me today after school before we leave(,)" he said.
"Ew no! Fag!" I whispered. (I think your terminology here might be a little offensive to some readers of the use of the word "fag". Maybe you could sub in a different word instead. I know some people talk like this, but another word could still be used. )
"You do like him!"
"No, what does kissing you have to do what me liking someone?" I asked.
"(')Cause you don't like going out or kissing people if you have a crush!" he said.
"May it occur to you that I don't like you anymore!" I whispered angrily.
I felt bad after saying that.
Same day walking to Reese High School


Krissy, Daniel, Alycia, Rebecca,Mat, and I walked over to Reese high school. Mat and I walked ahead of the others.
"Want me to carry your cello(?)" Mat asked.
"No, it's fine(,)" I said.
"So are you considering going out with me?" he said.
"I said no(,)" I groaned.
"It is cold(,)" I complained(.) (This part here confused me a bit. I didn't really care for the way you separated the two things being said by the same person. You could keep it in the same flow of dialogue.)
"I know right (?)"
"OMG! Mat!" Krissy yelled from behind us.
"What!" he yelled back.
"You just tried to grab your hand(,) Ash!" Alycia said.
"What! Okay my hands stay in my pockets!" I said(.)
Beginning of 2nd semester
"Are you jealous of Mary?"[space]Yami asked.
"Why would I be!"
"(')Cause Jake has a crush on her(,)" she said(.)
"Maybe."
"I never liked Jake(.)"[space]Mat said next to me(.)
"Why?"
"Cause you like him."
"Well, you broke up with me(,)" I said(.)
"Your fault(,)" Lorena said.
"That(')s why I keep asking you out(,)" he whined(.)
"And I say no every[space]time(,)" I said(.)
1 month before school ends
"The test(s) were hard. We finally get our Math scores today(,)" I said with excitement to Alycia, Yami, and Kathrine.
"Next month is Disney trip!"
Mat, Krissy, and Lorena sat at our table.
"Look Jake(,)" Mat tried to tease.
"I got over him. Thanks to Alycia for making me think he is gay!"
"He dressed Gay!" Alycia said
(We are sorry if any gay,people are offended. Please forgive us) (I like the disclosure here. I would still change the word "fag" toward the beginning though.)
"Actually he is a Metro(-)sexual!" Yami said.
Alycia, Kathy, Mat, and I,[space]looked at her with,[space]a confused look.
"They dress gay, but are straight!" she said(.)
We all laughed.
"His new name is Meto(-)sexual!" Alycia said.
2 weeks before school ends

"How was Disney?" Mat asked.
"Awesome! Here(,)" I said as I handed him a keychain.
"For me(?)"
"For you MY best guy friend(,)" I said(.)
"Ash,(Remove the comma here after "Ash".) here was so nice to Metro(-)sexual!"
"How?" Mat asked
"He lost a necklace he bought for Mary, Ash gave him 20 bucks to go buy another one(,)" Alycia said.
"I felt bad(,)" I said(.)
1 week before school ends

"Hey(,) I herd ya(')ll talk about Metro(-)sexual saying Ash use to like him! Who is Metro(-)sexual!" Mary said(.)
"Your Boyfriend!" Yami said.
"Oh!" Mary laughed.
"You still,like him!"
"No, thanks to a couple of friends they made him seem so metro(-)sexual to me" I said.[space]"Anyways(,) I have Jaden."
Day before graduation Dress Rehearsal
"So you and Jaden broke up?"
"Yeah he moved to,[space]Florida(,)" I said.
"I am going to Reese(,)" he said.
"Really, your mom let you?" I asked. He nodded.
"No talking(,)" a teacher said.
"I have to,[space]tell you something(,)" he said.
After the rehearsal the principal let us skip the next period and we had a free period in the cafeteria.
Mat walked over and sat by me.
"I think I am Bi(,)" he whispered in my ear.
"Okay(,)” I said.
Graduation Respetion
Mat pulled me to the side of the line.
"You look cute(,)" he said.
"You look hot in a tux(,)" I said(.)
"Next year at Reese you want to go out with me?" he asked. " I want you to think about it(.)"
Last day of school
'Have you thought about it?' Mat's note said(.)
I shrugged.
"I don't know(.)"
'I am going to Reese to be with you'
I looked at him.
"He is kidding(.) Just[space]another "wanna go out phase" I thought to myself.
I was right.
Summer 2011
'OMG! Guess what!' Krissy's text said.
'Wat!' I texted back(.)
'Mat asked me out'
'Ewww gross'
I was secretly happy.

'OMG!!! Mat is over me!!!' I texted Alycia and Kathy.



Mat has not asked me out! Yay!!

Well, I hope this review was in some way helpful to you. Took awhile to try and catch everything, but it feels worth it! Good luck with the editing process. For the most part I would just work on cleaning this up a bit first as far as your errors in writing. Then I would work on the flow and structure. If you have any questions about my review feel free to PM me and whatnot.

-Smylin'