Young Writers Society

Hey,

I lovelovelovvvve this piece. From the first sentence, I knew it would be good. I *kind* of expected the ending though, especially when you said Aden was disturbed and that his hair was so much like Charlotte's. So incest, eh? That's pretty screwed up but makes wonderful short stories. I figured this was a stand alone when I read it but everyone else was like 'PM me when you have more!' so I was kind of like 'o.0?'. I don't think you should have more and I don't think you are; I mean it's in SHORT STORY for a reason. Overall, amazing piece. I'm going to look out for more stuff by you. "D

Favorite Line: The difference between Charlotte and me is that Charlotte is strong and I am weak. This is why I cut myself last night. This is why Charlotte’s skin is whole. This is why I’m on a hundred different medications for depression and PTSD. This is why she smiles. This is why I frown.

Grade: A+

~Jas

THE ENDING IS EPIC! it kinda reminds me of me and my own brother without all the sexual innuendos and implications. This is cool. Not something i would usually read but I did like it. Keep writing!

That was amazing! You have a serious talent goin on. Like others before me said, you have enough material here to make a novel. Keep on going with it! As far as nit-picks go the only thing that I saw was that the sentence where you compare Charlotte's head popping up to a whack-a-mole felt cliche. Plus there was no real reason for Charlotte's head to move so abruptly. Yes she was happy to hear brother's voice, but I don't think that she was so surprised/happy that she'd be willing to give herself whiplash to see his face one second sooner. But that's just a small detail. A slightly bigger issue is that you tell instead of show a couple of times. Stating that Charlotte was controlled and the main character wasn't is unecessary. The reader can determine that for themselves. Also saying that the band manager dude didn't "get" the two siblings was an example of telling instead of showing. Although I do see why you mentioned it; it served as a sort of foreshadowing to the fact that Charlotte was the main character's sibling. Which brings me to something that I really liked in your story. I liked all of the hints that you dropped that you dropped about their relationship. Of course I didn't get it till the last line but then I was like, "OMG that makes so much sense!!!" And as a final comment, I'd just like to say that your story rocked and that you need to keep writing

Wow, that ending really shocked me! I love it though; the story was great!

Definitely continue this! The end was so unexpected which is what I love about it. The scene setting and charatcers are so vivid and described so imaginitively especially whe you describe charlotte. Love it