Young Writers Society

Please critique! Critique anything from grammar to syntax to plot line. I want to hear how you felt during the story, what you thought. Was it believable? Did it suck? Anything you want to type is fine by me. I’m going to revise this story and so I really want to know what worked and what didn’t. Do you like the title?
Thanks!
(This is story #2 for my creative writing class)
As always if you feel more comfortable e-mail me at kmapes2@uiuc.edu

Words

Marie laughed a loud hyena like laugh that ended in a wheeze. It wasn’t attractive at all. He realized that this was the first time he had actually heard her laugh. All the other times her laugh was light and airy, a giggle really, this wasn’t even close to that. Honestly, it scared him at the exact same time it excited him. He was intrigued by this girl.

“You don’t want to date me,” she said with a smile. She stared at him intently, gauging his reaction. He didn’t understand the seriousness of her expression, the boring eyes, the small, easily faked smile. He was naïve, she decided, he was still living in that child like age where everyone was a good person.

He didn’t believe her statement, mostly because he didn’t want to but a small part of him wanted to save her. He just wasn’t really sure from what.

“That’s not true,” he said, “You’re a cool girl.”

“I don’t do boyfriends. I’m always a terrible girlfriend,” she watched for his reaction.

“How?” his eyebrows knitted together for a moment.

He patted her knee gently.

She sat crossed legged on the extra-long twin bed and said, “Whenever I date someone I always end up breaking up with them and breaking their hearts. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” he said shaking his head, “You just have to give boyfriends a chance. You’re only ruining your future by keeping your self in the past, if you see what I mean,” He left his hand on her knee.

She considered Scott in that moment his blonde hair was cut short and the beginning of a beard could be seen. She fought back the overwhelming urge to touch it. Instead she looked into his ordinary brown eyes and saw that he was being completely serious. She almost gagged. She didn’t really know what to say and so she made a sympathetic noise that came for the back of her throat, effectively killing the strand of conversation.

“Isn’t it weird that we never met in high school?” Scott asked.

“Not really,” Marie said, “I mean you were two years older than me. The only upperclassmen I knew were the ones on the swim team.”

“Well I’m glad Amy introduced us.”

“Yeah, me too,” Marie said speaking of another freshman from her home town. She hadn’t spoken to Amy since the day she’d introduced her to Scott.

“Have you been hanging out with a lot of other freshman from home?” Scott asked.

“No,” Marie replied, “Mostly my roommate and a few girls from my floor.”

“Do you like your roommate?” Scott readjusted his position, laying all the way across the bed and propping himself up on pillows to look at Marie. He poked her gently with his foot.

She ignored his touch and said, “Yeah, we get along alright. She a bit of a partier though. I’m not so sure about all of that yet.”

“I understand,” Scott said, “I’m not big into that stuff either.”

Marie stood up and checked her reflection in the mirror.

“Who are the girls on your floor that you know?”

Marie laughed and turned toward Scott, “I don’t remember their names. I’m so terrible with names. We had to do this stupid ice breaker on our floor meeting. I had to ask every single person their name again. I was so embarrassed.”

Scott laughed. “Sit down,” he said patting the space next to him on the bed. “You’re making me anxious by standing.”

She shrugged and sat down next to him. There was a defined space between them.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Three.”

“Um, I’d better get going.”

“Okay.” Marie stood up. Scott wrapped his arms around her and gave her a huge bear hug, engulfing her in his foot tall height difference.

“Bye babe,” He said smiling broadly.

“Bye,” she said unevenly. As the door closed behind him she looked at her expression in the mirror. Her cheeks were red, her eyes were wide, and her mouth still hung open a little. She closed it just as the door opened again.

“Who was that?” Lauren asked walking into the room with two grocery bags gripped in her hands. She walked over to their mini fridge and began empting the bags.

“Who?” Marie asked feeling perplexed by the whole situation. She picked up her hair brush.

“That guy who just left the room. I saw him,” Lauren said laughing a little. She tossed the grocery bags out in their bland garbage can hidden under her bed. “Come on Marie, don’t play dumb.”

“He’s just a friend,” Marie sighed sitting down on her bad and dropping the brush down next to her. “We have completely different views. Plus he’s looking for a relationship.”

“And your not?” Lauren clicked on her computer monitor.

“No, I’m not.” Marie picked up her hair brush and began pulling it through her dark blonde curls. Music began to pump from the speaker’s and for a moment Lauren and Marie were silent. The sound of Britney Spears’ toxic voice filled the air around them.

“Are you going out tonight?” Marie asked suddenly.

“Of course,” Lauren said, “Sara, in room 211, heard about a great frat. Are you going to come?” She raised her eyebrows as she applied mascara to her already dark eyelashes. Her voice hinted at a southern accent.

“I don’t think so,” Marie said, “It’s a school night.” She inspected her nails. “Wait who is Sara again?”

“The red head in 411. She’s from Louisville, like me. She’s roommates with Aiko.” Lauren phrased each sentence as a question.

“Oh yeah! I met her the other day in the bathroom.”

Lauren laughed again while she pulled some clothes out of her closet. “You never know anyone. Yes?” She asked holding a black shirt against her jeans.

Marie shook her head, “Yes I do.”

“No you don’t” Lauren stuck the skirt back into her closet. It was filled to the brim with clothes and shoes. “I always have to describe them to you and then you’re always like ‘oh yeah, I remember them!’” Marie laughed and it ended in a little wheeze that made Lauren laugh.

“That was a great impression,” Marie said.

“Thanks,” Lauren smiled sitting down at her desk.

“You know that guy who left here wasn’t half bad,” Lauren said after a moment of silence.

“What?” Marie asked a small smile appearing on her face.

“He was hot,” Lauren annunciated, “You know if you’re not interested I might be. What’s his name? Better yet what’s his number?”

“Oh shut up Lauren,” Marie laughed and tossed her pillow lamely across the room which made the two of them laugh even harder. “His name is Scott.”

“And?” Lauren asked.

“And I’m not interested,” She pulled her book bag on to her bed and began pulling folders and notebooks out of it.

“I already know that. What’s his number,” Lauren was turned all the way around in her chair staring directly at Marie. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” Marie answered as she shoved all of her folders and notebooks back into her book bag. Her phone began to buzz across her desk. “It’s him!” She said and answered it quickly. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Scott said, “I know I just saw you but I was wondering if you wanted to make a lunch date.”

“Yeah.”

Lauren crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed next to Marie.

“How about Saturday,” Marie said smiling brightly at Lauren.

“Saturday at my apartment? I’ll cook for you,” Scott said.

“Sounds great!”

“I’ll see you then. Bye Marie.”

“Bye Scott.” She flipped her baby blue Razor shut.

“So?” Lauren asked.

“We’re having lunch on Saturday. He’s going to cook for me!” She opened the phone again and began to text her best friend back home.

“I thought you weren’t interested,” Lauren said.

“Not in a relationship but as friends I am. I mean he’s nice to talk to,” Marie said her mind more concerned with texting.

“Um hum,” Lauren said as she returned to her desk. She turned up Eminem’s Lose Yourself.

Marie was impatient for Saturday and she wasn’t exactly sure why. She spent Wednesday thinking about what type of food Scott would make for her, hoping that it didn’t contain pork. She hated pork.

Thursday night she dreamt about their lunch. She had arrived in a little clown car and he was dressed in a black suit. Neither of them could think of anything to say. Then suddenly Scott said, “Do you want to go bowling?” and he pulled a bowling ball out of his pocket. Marie couldn’t remember anything else past that point but she had a feeling it got weirder from there.

On Friday Lauren helped her pick out an outfit for Saturday. Then the two, with the rest of their floor, went out to a party.

Saturday at noon Marie stood in front of apartment number four and realized that she had never been inside a guy’s apartment before. Her straightened hair gently touched her shoulders. She pulled a hair brush out of her purse and brushed her hair again. She exchanged the brush for a compact and checked her reflection. Her usually blue gray eyes looked dark gray under the mascara and eyeliner. Her lips were red with Strawberry Delight lip gloss. She liked the way it tasted more than the color. She clicked the compact shut and took a deep breath. She knocked once on the door and it opened immediately.

“Hey!” The smile on Scott’s face was huge.

Marie almost laughed as she said, “Hi.” The scent of cologne floated to her nose and she recognized it as Phoenix Axe Body Spray. Her brother wore it all the time.

“Come on it,” Scott said. The scent was strong until she stepped inside where it became overpowering, combing with the smell of tomatoes. Oddly enough she found the scents soothing. She enjoyed the strength they had over her sense of smell.

“I hope you like spaghetti and meatballs,” Scott said.

Marie stepped out of her shoes as she exclaimed, “I love spaghetti and meatballs!”

“Well that’s good to hear. I was a little worried, though everyone likes spaghetti and meatballs right?”

“I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t. Wow! This apartment is really neat!” Marie’s grin widened as she took in the small apartment. The living room contained a couch, a widescreen TV, a Play station and surround sound. In the corner was a cheap wood table covered with a blue cloth with four folding chairs around it. Several posters hung on the wall. One was black with AC/DC written in white across it. Another was the album cover of one of Led Zeppelin’s CDs. The final one hung closest to her. It was from the movie The Boondock Saints. The kitchen, though small, was very cute painted in an adobe red color. Silver pots sat on almost every burner. The refrigerator was bare except for a single magnetic with emergency numbers for the university. Marie knew that this wasn’t there for safety. She somehow accumulated three of them and stuck them all on her mini fridge as well.

“My roommates are pretty neat,” Scott said, “I like them a lot. I met them at Lincoln High when we went there.”

Marie gave an “um-hum” as her answer.

“Sit down,” Scott said. He pulled out a folding chair from the wood table. “I’ll bring your food out.”

“Oh, no. I can help,” Marie insisted moving toward the kitchen because it was the polite thing to do.

“No, sit.” Scott gripped her by the shoulders and steered her toward the chair.

“Fine. If you need any help let me know.” She sat on the edge of the chair not yet comfortable enough to lean back.

He brought out the pasta first in a large white bowl with green, blue and orange polka dots. Marie was pretty sure it had been picked out by his mother. He then brought the meatballs and sauce out in a matching set and Marie had to hold in her giggle. “What do you want to drink?” he asked.

“Whatever you have,” she gave him a reassuring smile.

“Sprite, Coke, water, orange juice, milk,” he paused, “beer, vodka, tequila…Shall I continue?”

“Water will be fine, thanks,” she giggled a little feeling some what more relaxed.

“Are you sure nothing alcoholic? We could get wasted over lunch.” He brought her out water and milk for himself.

“I’m sure, no worries.”

“Tell me when,” he said piling spaghetti on to her plate.

“The service here is amazing,” she said gazing at him with interest. “When.”

“Thank you,” he said and began to serve himself.

She forked a meatball and took a bite. “Wow,” she chewed as to not speak with her mouth open. “This is great! Where did you learn to cook so well?”

Scott shrugged and smiled. “I’m not sure. From my mom probably. I’ve just always liked to cook. You know, I thought about going to culinary school.”

“Really?” She rested her back against the chair feeling completely comfortable.

“Yeah. Save room, there are brownies for dessert.” He winked at her.

Marie didn’t know how to respond to this so she simply smiled in return. All she could think about was what a great husband Scott would make. Which surprised her and kept her silent for a while as he talked about school. She never seriously thought about marriage. The girls who always planned out their weddings confused her. Why hurry to be tied down? Now, though, as she sat across from Scott, his legs brushing against hers, the thought of marriage finally crossed her mind. She could picture herself in a white dress, her hair perfect for one day in her life, her hands tightly grasping a bouquet as she looked deeply into Scott’s brown eyes.

“I’m also thinking about joining a frat. Marie?”

“A frat?” This sparked Marie’s interest and the thoughts of marriage quickly dissipated. “Which one?”

“Well it’s this business inter-frat. They don’t have a house.”

“Inter-frat?”

“Yeah, they allow girls and guys.”

“Ooh,” she said, “I’ve gotten to know a lot of frats now.”

“You have?” he asked, a little confused.

“Yeah, Lauren took me out frat hopping,” her eyes lit up at this statement.

“How has that been going?” He asked with a bit of concern in his voice.

She giggled as she answered, “drunkenly.”

“I used to drink,” he said, “but I don’t do it anymore. Only a beer now and then. Most of the alcohol we have here is my roommates.” There was a slight pause. “What frats do you go to?”

“I’m not good with names,” Marie said.

Scott stood up then to bring out the brownies and Marie was permitted to help clear away the plates.

“I’d better get going,” Marie said and she slipped her shoes back on.

Scott stood in front of her for a moment unsure of how to act. Marie was pretty sure that he would not receive a kiss. All thoughts of marriage had completely left her consciousness. He ended up pulling her into an awkward hug where he leaned forward a little and she leaned backward and only then did he wrap his arms around her.

It wasn’t until just before sleep overcame Marie, as she lay in bed, that she remembered her daydream of marriage. The only thought that came to her head before she lost consciousness was that was weird.

Sunday night Marie sat in front of her computer staring blankly at the equally blank screen. Her homework hadn’t gone anywhere in an hour. She was still trying to figure out how to start her essay and the clock was ticking away. Lauren had gone out, again. Marie was so tempted to call her and drink her cares away. She picked up her phone, checked for messages without really looking and tossed it lightly on to her bed. She stood up, opened the fridge and pulled out a Frappuccino. The cursor still blinked on the screen.

The Beatles’ A Hard Day’s Night rang from Marie’s bed and she lunged to answer the phone. “Hello?” she gasped, completely forgetting to check who it was.

“Hey! Marie!” a guy’s voice shouted happily.

It took her a moment to figure out the voice, “Scott?”

“Yeah!”

“What…Why…” she rephrased her question, “Are you drunk?”

“Nooooo,” he answered, “I jushad a few beers.”

“Are you slurring your words?” she giggled a little, “I’ve never heard anyone do that. How many beers have you had?”

“Um, six or eight.”

“You are drunk,” she said, “where are you?”

“My apartment. I’m just drinkin with my roomies. You could come over.” His voice sounded hopeful as he spoke raising just a little.

“No, sorry. I have to work on a paper.” For once Marie was glad for the excuse. She wasn’t in the mood to see Scott.

“Marie, I have something to tell you. And I can only tell you because I’m drunk.” Scott’s voice suddenly got serious. Marie wondered what he would tell her.

“Okay.”

“I totally want to make out with you.”

Marie laughed a loud hyena like laugh that ended in a wheeze and wasn’t at all attractive. “You are really drunk Scott.”

“No, seriously. Last night was amazing! I mean it. We should get together again and make out.”

“Um hum,” Marie said shaking her head even though he couldn’t see it. She flipped over on her stomach pressing the phone tightly against her ear.

“Marie?” Scott asked, checking to see if she was still on the line.

“Scott you have to know something.” Her voice suddenly changed tone. Her laugh no longer lingered.

“Yeah?” he asked trying to sober up best he could.

“I’m not interested in a relationship. I have a feeling that you are. You’re a nice guy and all but you’re not really for me. I mean you’d be great for someone else but as for me I’m looking for something different.” She spoke these words without emotion, without thought, they simply poured from her lips and she simply pronounced them. Her tongue giving life to zombies of former thoughts. Yet her voice sounded authoritative and Scott believed her. Worse yet she believed them herself.

“That’s fine,” he said the happiness of alcohol fading swiftly. He changed the topic, “I’m going to join that frat I told you about. I’ll be really busy the next few weeks so I might not be able to call much.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. Completely distracted and unaffected by his words.

“Yeah, well I thought you should know. Gotta go, bye.”

“Bye,” Marie said to no one. She flipped her phone closed, hesitated for a moment and opened it again. Scrolling down her phone book she quickly found the L’s.

Marie went out with Lauren almost every night. Marie called it drinking, Lauren called it meeting boys. Nearly every night Lauren made out with someone or disappeared leaving Marie with the other girls on their floor. About the time Lauren left Marie would totter back to her dorm room, crawl into bed and fall asleep. She never heard Lauren enter but every morning her blonde head was attached to her pillow so Marie never worried much about her.

Saturday morning Marie awoke with a splitting head ache. She turned slowly to one side and checked the time nine am. Her mouth tasted like vomit and she vaguely remembered getting to the dorm room last night. That’s when the events of last night surfaced in her mind running like a bad movie that she couldn’t stop. Tears collected behind her eyes and she thought she might vomit again. She pushed all other thoughts away as an overwhelming urge took over her mind. She threw off her covers, pulled on some clothes and grabbed her keys before she slipped out the door completely unnoticed by her sleeping roommate.

“Scott,” she shouted banging on the door of apartment number four. The shouting and sunlight made her head hurt. The pounding made her fist hurt but she continued anyway until the door swung opened. “Scott,” she said with relief.

Scott stood in boxers and a t-shirt starting at the girl before him who looked nothing like the girl he cooked for a week ago. Her hair was a curly mess. Her blue gray eyes wavered on the verge of tears and her lips were pale and cracked. “Marie? Are you okay?”

She walked in slowly and he gripped her by the arm in fear that she’d fall over. He led her to one of the sofa chairs. She sunk into the seat, collapsing in on herself.

“Marie what happened? Are you alright?”

She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know.”

“What happened?” Scott leaned forward listening carefully as Marie spoke.

Her voice began a little louder than a whisper. “I went to a frat last night with Lauren and some girls from my floor. Like every night.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “It started out well. We drank some Jungle Juice. I’m not entirely sure how many drinks I had. I lost track after…” she paused to think, “after five I think. It doesn’t really matter. I was really drunk, no I was wasted.”

“We’ve all had those nights,” Scott said trying to be reassuring. His face showed concern from every angle.

“No,” Marie said, her voice gaining power as she spoke, “that’s not why I’m here. Listen. I really wanted to dance but none of the girls would dance with me. They just stood around in a circle and rated the guys in the room while they downed Jungle Juice like it really was fruit punch. This guy – he was wearing a red shirt – heard me complain about how much I wanted to dance. I think by this time I was speaking very loudly. He asked me if I wanted to and of course, of course I said yes, I was drunk. So we danced. I think it was Closer by Nine Inch Nails that was on. They must have played it three times in a row because we danced for such a long time yet that’s the only song I can remember dancing to. Everything sort of flashed before my eyes. The cooler of Jungle Juice with the white top and blue bottom. The people playing beer pong. The girls on my floor. I watched as some guy came up to them, in a green shirt, and asked something. Lauren nodded. I’m not really sure what happened after that because the red shirt guy started kissing me. And I kissed back and soon enough his tongue was in my mouth.” Tears began to drip down Marie’s cheek. “I could feel his finger tips on the bare skin of my stomach and then I couldn’t kiss him anymore. I pulled away so fast my head started spinning and I ran for the door. I didn’t even look for my friends; instead I got as far away from the frat as possible and threw up. I threw up seven times in total. I kept count of that,” She tried to smile a little beneath the tears. Scott had moved to the arm of the sofa and wrapped his arm gently around her shoulders. “You don’t know what it’s like. I was all alone. There was no one there to even hold my hair back. There was no one to tell me that everything would be okay or that I would make it home alright. I don’t even remember getting back to my dorm. But as I sat there, under some tree, by some street I didn’t even know the name of, by a house where I knew no one, I thought of you. I thought of how I treated you and what I said and how you never call anymore. I’m so sorry Scott. I do want a relationship. I do want someone there for me, always. I want someone who will cook dinner and put his arm around me when I feel bad. I didn’t know. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted until that very moment when I suddenly felt sober and it wasn’t fun anymore.” Marie’s eyes were pleading as she turned toward Scott. “I want to make out with you. I want to be your girlfriend.” Her face was covered in tears and she began sniffing hard to try and keep her nose from running.

Scott gave her a reassuring smile and leaned down kissing her lightly on the top of her head. “I’ll always be there for you Marie, we’re friends and that’s what friends are for.” He paused for a moment not sure if he should continue. “As for what you told me, Marie, I believed you. Part of what you said had to be true.” Marie shook her head but he continued anyway. “I met this girl in my pledge class. She’s really cool, almost as cool as you.” He smiled sadly as the tears continued to roll down Marie’s face. “I want to get to know her. I’m sorry Marie.” He stood and lifted her up pulling her into a bear hug. She clung to him letting his shirt dry her tears.

“You should have called me last night,” Scott said, “I would have held your hair for you.”

Marie gave him an uncertain smiled and again thought about what a great husband he would make. She could wait. She had four years to decide if he was the one.

This is really long. but, I'll get as much done as I can for now! So far, rather interesting!

He didn’t believe her statement, mostly because he didn’t want to but a small part of him wanted to save her. He just wasn’t really sure from what.

I think this should be written (both sentence.) First off, "Mostly" is a very...uncertain word. He either did, or he didn't, you know? So I would say write it "He didn't believe her statement because he didn't want to, but a small part of him wanted to save her. (Wanted to save her...I'm not sure that makes sense? I hadn't read the whole sentence. Does this come into play later?) He just wasn't sure what he wanted to save her from." the use of 'what' makes it confusing. The sentence, taken out of context, makes zero sense. And the use of 'really' makes the sentence falter.

I always end up breaking up with them and breaking their hearts.

I think if you want to combine 'breaking up' and 'breaking their hearts' it should be said differently. The first thing that comes to mind is "I always end up breaking them, and their hearts" but that makes no sense! So you try to find a better way to word it

You’re only ruining your future by keeping your self in the past

Yourself, one word.

He left his hand on her knee.

That's weird... Maybe actually have him doing something with his hand? Like rub her knee, or pat it, or tickle it. Because its understandable he would leave his hand their, but if you have said 'he put his hand on her knee' and never said 'he took his hand away' then we assume his hand is still there. and to say 'he left his hand on her knee' its very out of place unless you say something like 'he left his hand on her knee and it made her uncomfortable, she wanted to push it off.' You understand?

She considered Scott in that momentt his blonde hair was cut short and the beginning of a beard could be seen.

The parted I bolded, it confuses me.... If you're saying, she considered him and what he was, I think you should put a colon after moment. But either way, its confusing. Elaborate. considered Scott about what? Also, something I noticed running spell check that I don't normally notice. "Blonde" with an 'e' is the feminine form of 'blond' in French. (Which is why I don't normally notice, I speak French.) But, for English purposes, Take off the e

She ignored his touch and said, “Yeah, we get along alright. She [She's or She is] a bit of a partier though. I’m not so sure about all of that yet.”

"She ignored his touch..." Makes her feel cold to his being so flirty, is that what you're wanting? I thought I'd asked. It makes it seem like she's annoyed at what he's doing, and doesn't want to flirt.

I'm done for now I'll do the rest later or some other time, I'm going to go critique other people! So far, I really like it. my only suggestion would be tell how old they are sooner, and maybe say what they look like sooner, but no info dumps! You did really good avoiding that.

It was really well written. You had me pulling for Marie and Scott the whole way and I'm happy that they can at least be friends. (They just need to stop drinking so much ) I really enjoyed it; reading it was kind of like old times at WC.

During the entire story I couldn't help cheering Marie and Scott. Marie reminded me alot of this girl in my choir class who has a wheezing laugh and looks like your description of Marie.

I liked the storyline. It was interesting to an extent. However I had two concerns.

I didn't liked the fact that the story flowed on from conversations. I personally believed you used too much quotes.

Also, I find the characters to be somewhat lacking in the x factor. Like their character was quite predictable and didn't seemed that original (cliche teenagers.

The storyline, well constructed, however I think it wasn't that original.

Sorry if my review sounded a bit biased, I just perfer reading stories with originality and the x factor.

My only suggestion is to try building on unique character development and steer away from common teenage behaviour. That way, your story will truly be unique.