Young Writers Society

This life that I lead is no life at all. My heart has broken into a million pieces in which I have long abandoned in any attemt to piece back together. My stomach is empty for food shall not satisfy this ever wanting hunger that lingers deep in my soul. My sight has been blinded by this ever present pool of tears. I wallow in my solitude. I speak to no one for their words only bring me more pain. Empty. Empty is the only word to describe the way in which I feel.Thoughts may linger in my mind but I still feel empty. Bloodshed has pulled me down fast into reality. A reality that did not exist when he was here with me. His touch that used to make life sweet is now gone. His gentle warm hand grazing down my neck and shoulders, his soft lips against my own. The feeling used to linger after he was gone, but now it is lost. I feel it no longer. I long to remember. I yern for a chance to feel that feeling in which I fear is gone forever. No, the feeling that deep down I know is gone and yet fear to admit it even to myself. [/quote]

It's a very good start. I like the description, and nice use of metaphors. I just have a few critiques

EllLou wrote: My heart has broken into a million pieces in which I have long abandoned in any attemt to piece back together.

^Good imagery...but the wording needs a bit of work. The use of the word 'in' should be changed or done away with. (i.e. 'in which', 'in any attempt.')

Also, careful of cliches, they can catch you off gaurd. the phrase 'lingers in my mind' is overused in writing today.

Good job, hope you post more soon!

Thanks! that really helps. I agree with you on changing my use of words. And i didn't notice that "linger in my mind" is used that much until you said something.
~EllLou~
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." James Dean[/u]

First of all, title: "Heart Brake"? Do you mean "Heart Break" or is it meant to show that your heart was physically stopped? I make the same spelling error all the time, only the other way around...I substitute break for brake.

Tara mentioned cliches. This piece is nearly all cliches. I know what it feels like to experience a lot of the things you're talking about, and it seems like it has a personal emotional experience behind it, but a piece written with the intent of having other people read it should interest those people. I connected with maybe half a sentence here, but then I completely lost interest, and that is not due to a short attention span...

Alrighty, since this is short, I'll just stick my suggestions/comments in. They're in orange.

This life that I lead is no life at all. My heart has broken into a million pieces, [s]in[/s] which I have long abandoned in any attemt to piece back together. My stomach is empty, for food [s]shall[/s] cannot satisfy this ever wanting hunger that lingers deep in my soul. My sight has been blinded by this ever present pool of tears. I wallow in my solitude. I speak to no one; [s]for[/s] their words only bring me more pain (know how that feels). Empty. Empty is the only word to describe the way in which I feel.Thoughts may linger in my mind but I still feel empty. Bloodshed has pulled me down fast into reality (bloodshed? My God, was this person a serial killer? Man...). A reality that did not exist when he was here with me (this is a fragment). His touch that used to make life sweet is now gone. His gentle warm hand grazing down my neck and shoulders, his soft lips against my own (also a fragment, but not quite as offensive). The feeling used to linger after he was gone, but now it is lost. I feel it no longer. I long to remember. I yearn for a chance to feel that feeling in which I fear is gone forever. No, the feeling that deep down I know is gone and yet fear to admit it even to myself.

Linger. Feeling. Fear. These words are examples of some that are used way too many times in an 18-sentence angsty paragraph.
There were fleeting moments when I almost felt myself connecting with the speaker, but the piece failed to draw me in. This expresses feelings only; I think it would be much more effective if you described how the relationship came to be, how it ended, the tiny rips of anger or sadness in the narrator's stomach when she sees him in the hallways.
Give the reader specific examples and try not to dwell so much on feelings. While writing feelings down can be very therapeutic, something that is presented to a reading audience must hold a little more water, be a litte more tangible. Present more than a pretty list of feelings; present a story.

Welcome to YWS! I very much hope to see more of your work around here.
Colleen

I think I know how this writer feels...I think everyone, who has ever been in love, knows what it feels like. And I think that the feeling that I think is lost forever, will come back to me all in due time. I like this...deep it is.

I wrote a poem like this. And even gave readings of it a few times.

Of course, it was a video parody of many things, including emo poetry. I'd give you the link, but my full name's on it, and I'm a bit more careful than that.

Honestly... this was full of cliches. At first I was interested, because I thought, "Hey, maybe this person is using "brake" as a play on words and it might really make for a good story." Of course, this is why I don't go into the Romantic Fiction area much anymore.

Honestly, this kind of stuff should stay in your journal. The rest of the world doesn't want to see it. We've all written it ourselves; why should we read yours? Why is yours special?

Make it unique, make it special, and maybe I'll come back and read it.