Young Writers Society

Luke affectionately fondled Lillian's hair as the wind played with the leaves of trees in the forest below them. Tears were streaming down her face and even though her eyes were red she still looked beautiful to Luke. She would always look beautiful to Luke. He would never forget her. He held her head to his chest as her whole body shook with her sobs. She pulled at his shirt, her grip strong on the shirts fabric.

"I don't want to leave you! I can't leave you! I can't! I just can't! I feel as if I'll die if we have to go! I need you!" She cried out. Luke wrapped his arms around her and a tear slithered down his cheek. He would normally have brushed it away but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything else apart from hold her. Breathe her in. Hold her. Cry with her. Stay with her? It was impossible and he knew that fighting against it would only make things worse. Luke pulled Lillian's head up gently so that they were looking into each others eyes. She was holding onto him like a drowning person would to a lifeline. She was his lifeline and he was hers. He stroked her face as he spoke to her.

" Lillian, you won't be leaving me and I won't be leaving you. Don't you see! We will always be with each other. We will still be together. You'll always be with me and I'll always be with you. You in my heart and me in yours." He stopped stroking her face and kissed her. She clung even harder to him and both Luke and Lillian felt as if they were soaring with each other on the wind surrounding them. They didn't want to break.They wanted time to stop. They wanted to be frozen together as they were. Lillian came up for air and as she gulped in all the air she could get into her lungs Luke walked away from her down the grassy side of the steep hill. The tears were flowing thick and fast down Luke's face as he heard Lillian's passionate, mournful scream to the sky, to the stars, to the world. Luke took one last look at Lillian and he cursed the world. Just as he turned his back on Lillian and the hill he felt it. He felt her. He felt her falling. He spun round and was rooted to the spot as he watched her falling backwards as if in slow motion. He saw her hair whipping round her face, her arms reaching out to him and her body just giving up. Luke tried to run and he found that his legs WERE moving and he flew up the rocky slope of the hill and watched, terror in his whole body as Lillian's back smacked against one of the jagged rocks and her head cracked off another. Her battered, cut and bruised body landed on a big flat rock halfway up the slope. Luke raced upwards, not caring that he was stumbling and cutting his legs. All he cared about was reaching Lillian. He would make sure she lived. She wouldn't die. She couldn't die. He would fight with every last breath in his body, with all the strength he could muster. Lillian would not die. Luke fell to his knees and lifted Lillian's limp body up. He sat with her head resting on his lap. He lifted her up so that her head was on his shoulders. He hugged her. Held her close and tight.

"Lillian1 It's all right! I'm here. Lillian! I love you! I love you! Stay with me! Stay with me! Come on!" A piece of Lillian's hair was on her face. Luke pulled it back and tucked it behind her ear. Lillian's face was cut and bruised. There was blood on the back of her head. Her skin was colder than it had ever been and it was whiter than normal. She was dead but Luke wouldn't accept it. He kissed her. He blew air into her lungs and kissed her again. Then, he realized that she was gone. That he would never again know her. This was worse than leaving her and knowing she would be safe. She was dead. Dead, dead, dead. Luke screamed and shrieked and howled all in one. Every creature within a mile ran and covered their ears to try and block out the horrendous sound of pain, love, anger, loss and fierce, fierce passion.

" I love you Lillian." Whispered Luke. He placed his lips on her cold, blue ones and felt her heart breaking and being torn from his chest, still beating. With that Luke lay Lillian down and took the small purple flower that Lillian had picked for him up in the mountains and placed it in her hair. He looked up at the sky and. Died.

I really like that. The emotions are so strong and it actually made me cry . Well done!

I haven't read this yet, but I'm noticing that it's so scrunched up! Please add more paragraphs. It makes it really easy for readers to lose their places when there aren't any.

He would never forget her.

This sounds like he's just waiting for her to die, like he knows it's about to happen.

She pulled at his shirt, her grip strong on the shirts fabric.

I'd just say 'its' instead of 'shirts', though I don't think there's any real need to say anything after 'strong.'

"I don't want to leave you! I can't leave you! I can't! I just can't! I feel as if I'll die if we have to go! I need you!" She cried out.

You wouldn't capitalize the S in she.

Correct dialogue punctuation:
"Hey Luke," said Lillian.
"Hey Luke!" shouted lillian.
"Hey Luke?" asked Lillian.
Lillian asked, "Hey Luke?"
"Hey Luke," Lillian said.

There's an article that goes into more depth about this in the writing tips forum.

Luke wrapped his arms around her and a tear slithered down his cheek.

I like the word 'slithered.' I've never heard it regarding a tear before. Unique!

That middle paragraph is gigantic.

"Lillian1 It's all right! I'm here. Lillian! I love you! I love you! Stay with me! Stay with me! Come on!"

Typo.

He looked up at the sky and. Died.

Is this on purpose? Sorry, but I got nothing out of it.

I'm all for the emotions in this, but there were parts of this that had way too much angst. If you were to focus on the physical actions of the couple more instead of Luke's feelings, it would be much more powerful.

I think you should introduce the fact that Lillian is about to die in the first paragraph. Don't use those exact words, but describe her injuries in a way that shows she'll never recover. That way the reader can sympathize from the beginning.

You present these two characters, but there doesn't seem to be much depth to them. He's sad, and she'd dying. I'd love them more if you had Luke mention something fun they'd done together in their past or something. Plus, I'm curious. Give the reader a reason to be sad when they die.

Your dialogue didn't do much for me. It was to repetitive, and didn't seem natural. Have you tried reading it out loud?

Anyway, good luck with the editing! This has potential. With a little revision it would make an great short story!

-Jenna

I think this is good but it has the potential to be more than good. I don't know why but I got the impression that Lillian was terminally ill, I think it was just because it had a whole sort of them preparing for her to die, like they knew it would happen.

She would always look beautiful to Luke. He would never forget her. He held her head to his chest as her whole body shook with her sobs. She pulled at his shirt, her grip strong on the shirts fabric.

Maybe you could introduce the fact that she was going to die by accident in a subtle way or something so that it doesn't mislead the reader?

"I don't want to leave you! I can't leave you! I can't! I just can't! I feel as if I'll die if we have to go! I need you!"

" Lillian, you won't be leaving me and I won't be leaving you. Don't you see! We will always be with each other. We will still be together. You'll always be with me and I'll always be with you. You in my heart and me in yours."

Why are they leaving each other? You don't give a clue to what's going on, has something happened that means they have to split up?

He couldn't do anything else apart from hold her. Breathe her in. Hold her. Cry with her. Stay with her?

I really like this bit except for the repetition of holding her, I think the second one sort of ruins the mood.

The actual death of Lilian is quick, you've been sort of building up that somethings going to happen and when it does it's over quite quickly there's barely time to register anything happened.

She was dead. Dead, dead, dead.

The repetition of dead ruins the mood a bit, it doesn't seem to add anything to the story and it kind of makes it a bit more unreal.

He looked up at the sky and. Died.

This again seems to ruin the mood a bit, it just doesn't sort of work when you're reading it.


I really did like this it was quite sad and well written.

...

a) no real hook. perhaps if you mentioned lillian was crying in the first sentence?

b)

" Lillian, you won't be leaving me and I won't be leaving you. Don't you see! We will always be with each other. We will still be together. You'll always be with me and I'll always be with you. You in my heart and me in yours." He stopped stroking her face and kissed her. She clung even harder to him and both Luke and Lillian felt as if they were soaring with each other on the wind surrounding them. They didn't want to break.They wanted time to stop. They wanted to be frozen together as they were. Lillian came up for air and as she gulped in all the air she could get into her lungs Luke walked away from her down the grassy side of the steep hill. The tears were flowing thick and fast down Luke's face as he heard Lillian's passionate, mournful scream to the sky, to the stars, to the world. Luke took one last look at Lillian and he cursed the world. Just as he turned his back on Lillian and the hill he felt it. He felt her. He felt her falling. He spun round and was rooted to the spot as he watched her falling backwards as if in slow motion. He saw her hair whipping round her face, her arms reaching out to him and her body just giving up. Luke tried to run and he found that his legs WERE moving and he flew up the rocky slope of the hill and watched, terror in his whole body as Lillian's back smacked against one of the jagged rocks and her head cracked off another. Her battered, cut and bruised body landed on a big flat rock halfway up the slope. Luke raced upwards, not caring that he was stumbling and cutting his legs. All he cared about was reaching Lillian. He would make sure she lived. She wouldn't die. She couldn't die. He would fight with every last breath in his body, with all the strength he could muster. Lillian would not die. Luke fell to his knees and lifted Lillian's limp body up. He sat with her head resting on his lap. He lifted her up so that her head was on his shoulders. He hugged her. Held her close and tight.

aaaaaahhhhhh! too long!!!! cut it up.

hey rebecca, i do like this, even thought u have made a few errors...

and the ending is a bit odd... wouldn't 'he looked up at the sky and... died' sound better? just a thought.

good job though, it's certainly very intriguing