Young Writers Society

Prologue:
A revolver was shown in the moonlight as he passed the wide living room window. It contained six bullets, and he knew it. There was a purpose to that certain amount.
The house was dead quiet except for the sound of a few cars that happened to pass by after midnight. It was the normal setting of the house at this hour. At least it was now, since the divorce a month before, exactly a month before. Everything was the same, but at the same time it was so different. It filled him with disgust.
He crept up the staircase, careful not the touch the fifth step he’d meant to fix a few months before. It was just one of those tasks he was too busy to partake. It creaked, which would case the light sleeper in the bedroom upstairs to awaken from her probably peaceful sleep. She’s probably dreaming of all the things she won in the divorce, he thought bitterly. All thing things she had gotten rid of made things so much worse.
The ex-wife got the 1995 Ford Mustang he’d just paid off after years of saving money, the expensive house he’d bought, and she got rid of Zoey, their unborn child. It was planned that they would name her Zoey Christine, but she was aborted. Somehow he felt guilty, but was quick to change his thinking.
He knew she should die for that, and he was determined to make it happen. He would kill her and watch her die.
The bedroom came into view when he reached the last step. A scowl formed on his face when he caught a glimpse of the sleeping figure.
Wait a second.
There wasn’t just one sleeping person but two, and reality settled in. She had a lover, and this lover had probably been around while they were still happily married. That is if they ever were. There had been many fights, leaving one another only to come back because they needed something, and eventually coming back when everything had gone downhill.
He knew in his heart, his ex-wife aborted the child in order to have this other guy’s baby. I’ll kill them both, he decided as the revolver was lifted. I will kill her lover first so that she will waken to see her killer before she dies.
The moonlight, coming in through the window, shone on him. It glistened on the revolver being aimed at the man’s forehead. It was a forehead covered with blond curls. He appeared to be much younger than that of his ex-wife. The thought made him squeeze his eyes shut in anger.
A small click seemed to echo off the walls as his finger began to press the trigger. Then the bang as the bullet was released echoed even louder. It was a sound loud enough to make him squeeze his eyes shut for another time, for the pain it brought to his temple. He suffered frequent migraines and this would surely bring up another one.
The ex-wife sat straight up with alarm, her eyes wide open in shock. She knew that sound. Her eyes fell upon her ex-husband who stood there at the foot of the bed with a gun she had never seen before, and knew what just happened. It took all her strength not to look at the man beside her.
She’d left her husband for him and now he was dead. Her fault.
“Damien, what are you doing here?” she demanded, though her voice was wavering.
“Hello, Susan,” Damien greeted her with a cruel smile. “Have you missed me?”
Susan wondered if that was trick question. She kept back the urge to ask since he was now pointing the gun at her. A fear she had never felt before formed in her heart. She began to panic so badly a word wouldn’t come from her mouth.
“No?” he questioned with the same smile.
“Please put the gun away.”
“I can’t.”
She swallowed nervously in fear of the answer to her next question. “Why not?”
“Because you have to die.”
OH GOD, she thought to herself, but before she could say a single word of protest, he pulled the trigger.
“That’s for divorcing me,” he yelled as the bullet struck her chest.
He fired a second time.
“That’s for having a lover.”
A third shot.
“That’s for taking my house.”
The forth bullet struck her.
“My car too.”
Damien fired the last bullet that hit her between the eyes. “And that, my dear, is for Zoey.”

It would help readers if you spaced this out more. Notice how my paragraphs have a space between each one? Do that in your writing, too.

You should read over it a few time, there were some errors in the writing that could easily be picked up through a read over.

The story was good, but it was rather predictable and you did say he was going to kill her even before it happened, so what should your readers do? They know what is going to happen. So in that sense, it's not so good. It's easy to predict.

The ending was good, I like how he wanted revenge for his daughter. But I think you could give it more emotion, make us feel more. Try to connect us with Susan and make her scared. Don't say she was, don't say she felt more scared than ever. Make her hands sweat and shake. Make her think of all the moments she had that were happy. All the things that would happen to you, talk about that, don't just say "She was scared." Adding to the emotion would really help this out.

Wasn't so bad, but could use some fix ups on the predictability, and emotion. But yes, please read over it. I'm sure you'll catch your own errors.

Happy editing.

I think the point of it was that it was predictable. It was well written, if macabre.

I'm kind of surprised that the lover didn't wake up, nor was he shot.

The ending was predictable, but the writing was powerful nonetheless.

try spacing out everything. that way it not smash up together like that.

He shot her lover first? I love it. I like the way this was written and can't wait to read more.

I like this story. It was funny in a way.

So Zoey is his unborn child's name?