I am very proud to say that I am engaged. I have been for around the year now. My relationship with her is very strong, and we love each other deeply. But it has been hard, because we have met through the internet, and there is an ocean between us. We have grown to stand it, but I have arranged to leave Australia in the future to be with her in New York. She once asked me what I'd do if she ever got Lukemia. I thought on this during the night, and the following story is an account of the dream I had.
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Note: There has been little editing as far as the story goes. It unfolded almost exactly as you are about to read it.
Goodbyes
When I saw the doctors face, I knew something was terribly wrong. I lay in the sterile hospital bed, weak from the sedatives, waiting for him to speak. I couldn’t even remember how I got there. When he told me I had cancer, I couldn’t speak. It was a long few minutes before finally he decided to go on, saving me the effort of questioning him.
It had been in my body a while, and had only recently taken a hold. Within days, it had made me weak, pain gripping my every movement. Even eating proved torturous, as my stricken insides struggled with the food. I stopped eating, but eventually my hunger forced me to stop my fasting.
But one thing hurt more then all this. It’s a long story, but I have more time then I know what to do with.
Towards the end of my 12th grade in school, I started secretly meeting with a girl from New Jersey over the internet, a girl I now see as my soul mate. The distance between us was always apparent, and we’ve shed so many tears over it, but we made plans, and resolved to wait. In a few years, I was moving to America to be with her, and sometime in the future, we would marry.
I had never been as happy in my life as I was with her, even though we had never heard each others voices. We did exchange pictures however, and I can honestly say how beautiful she is, though she will sometimes degrade herself, saying she is ugly.
This hurts me, but over the nine months or so we have been together, I’ve watched her slowly gain confidence, and I know it is because of me, though saying this makes me feel vain.
How would she take it? I had to tell her… But I couldn’t get to a computer, and my requests to have one brought to me had not yet been met. I cried myself to sleep every night, afraid I would leave this world without saying goodbye, and leaving her wondering what had happened to me.
My despair was great, and soon the cancer and my sadness had withered my body away. I was dieing fast.
I’ve never believed in God, or the Angels that supposedly serve him, but something had heard my pleas, and they had been answered. I had awoke one morning to find my room full of people. My family were there, as they had been almost everyday since I had come here. It saddened me so much to see my mother like this. And my brother and stepfather were just as pained. I loved them all so much. They were my family, and I didn’t want to leave them so early in my life, but I could no longer weep.
The other people in the room were from a charity organization. I forget the name, but they offered to make my final wish come true before I died. I already knew what I wanted, and they arranged it for me.
A Laptop was brought to me, connected with wireless internet, and a private plane had been arranged to take me to Jersey City, where I would finally meet the love of my life. My time was short, but I fought with everything I had to stay alive.
When she found out about my cancer, her response was expected. I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was crying, and I also knew she was cutting herself. The only thing that kept her from killing herself was our meeting in the next day or two.
We spent every minute together, chatting online for more then nine hours before she practically pleaded with me to get some sleep. It touched me very deeply that she was worried about my lack of sleep, but I didn’t want to leave her. Eventually, I turned off the Laptop, but promised to speak to her again before I left to see her.
The jet was coming in to land, and the jolt as it hit the runway caused me to whimper in pain. Every limb and joint burned, as if my bones were corroding. I had stopped crying, but I felt I had already died. I had promised her so much… I had promised her a family together… I had promised her a wedding… I had promised a long life together… I had promised to love her forever…
I couldn’t keep these promises to her. I just couldn’t. If there was a god, it confused me why he would do this to me. I loved her so much, and the fact that we couldn’t be together was worse then the cancer. If I wasn’t already dieing, I would want to die anyway.
The nurse wheeled my wheelchair into the airport. I was tired from chatting with her over the past few days, but I reserved what was left of my strength.
There she was… sitting alone. She saw me, and immediately rushed over to me. I could see the pain in her face, her red raw eyes… I didn’t want us to meet like this… god, why like this.
For a while, we just stared, unable to speak. Then, with wobbly knees, I rose to my feet. We held each other and cried. I’ve never cried as hard in my life as I did with her that day. We could never be together now… I could feel her chest shaking with her violent sobbing.
I felt very protective of her, and it hurt so badly to see the sadness in her eyes when we finally broke the embrace. I wanted to protect her from all the injustice in the world. I had resolved to make sure she never had a reason to cry ever again. Now I was that reason. In that moment, I hated myself for doing this to her.
We finally made it to our hotel room. I had told the nurse to let my beloved push the chair, and she left us alone in the room. Once again, we cried, entwined in each others embrace. We lay on the bed and held each other until we couldn’t cry anymore. I told her I was sorry for promising her so many things I couldn’t deliver, and even though it hurt incredibly, I got down on one knee in front of her.
She looked disbelievingly at me, and I actually saw a smile. It had taken every scrap of cash in my bank account, but the engagement ring I offered her was stunning. For a while we stayed like this, and she took the ring and held me, thanking me for all I’ve done for her. I thanked her for changing my life like she had, and whispered to her that I loved her before I finally slipped away.
She cried, still holding my limp body in her arms. In the night, she took a knife to her wrists, and curled up to me, letting death take her. As the strength seeped from her body, she closed my eyes with her fingers, which were still half open, and gently kissed my cold lips, whispering “Goodnight my Leanen… I’ll never forget you” Leanen was our word. It meant “sweetheart”
And then, finally, the pain was gone. She would never cry again, like I had promised her. We couldn’t have life together, so we left it together, both refusing to exist without the other. And so it ended.
The End
For Lacie
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