Young Writers Society

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Dusky.....jeez this was good to read--it totally reflects me, even though I know it's not...

I really liked this. Alot.

I have but one nit-pick--I didn't notice much a of a character difference between the four voices...perhaps if you better defined them with a specific emotion/ outlook it would be more efficient? Maybe i'm just not reading it correctly...

In anycase, I really enjoyed this. Great job.

Thanks. I was hoping that I did a good job on it, but it as sort of hard to write, considering that I'm the Jen character in real life.

I thought about naming the voices. Like One would have been "Common Sense", Two would have been "Furious", Three would have been "Head Over Heels", and Four would have been "Memory". Would that work better? Or should I just try to redo some of the dialouge to make things a little clearer?

I like this. Little bit of a gollum thing going on, but which of us doesn't have a few voices in our heads arguing?

Actually I like the numbers. Generic, yet interesting. If you just change the dialogue and the WAY they do things, like stompin around for Two instead of walking around....you know?

Okay. I'll work on that and see if I can't revise it a little.

Good Lord, Dusky. No wonder you won "Best Writer"!!

This was incredible. I loved it... it was clever, creative, evocative.

Man.

Maybe you could tweak it a bit to make the personalities of the voices a bit more defined. Other than that, I adored it. Fan-tab-u-lus.

*laughs and blushes* thanks... tweaking is under way...

This is a great story. I like how you personified different parts of the brain. It's really imaginative! I do suggest giving each one a more distinct personality, so that through their differences you can see how they work together--I dunno. It is an interesting concept. Anyway, great story. Is there more to it?

That was really original and enjoyable. I liked the way you portrayed the different sides you were feeling, something we've all felt. Great job

Thanks to both of you.

Kilty wrote:Is there more to it?

Not at this time. The main character (Kate), is giving me some trouble because of just how emotional this topic is for me. I wrote it to try and figure out what this other girl was thinking, so Kate is not really me. Although, the more I'm sitting here and thinking about this, I think it might be fun to do a little more. Maybe in a different place, little different situation.

I'll think about it. If other people would be interested in reading more, it may become more probable.

A little too emo and reminiscent of Gollum for my taste, but very well written. I'm not sure if you changed it around since Hunter's post, but I could clearly tell which number was which emotion. That seems like it would be difficult. It's also very keen to real, natural teenage emotions.

The end was strong, but the dialogue you gave the guy was weak. It held no emotion, and I don't think three was prominent enough when he spoke to Kate. I mean, obviously all of the emotions would be strong, but it seems to me (this is just a personal opinion, of course) that three would try to be a little more forceful.

Wow! You must have done a better job than I first thought, since I'm getting so into the emotions and the numbers.

-Sarah

Ohhhhh I loved the idea! Nice job..

...Wow. I love this. So much. If ever you want to see the chaos that constantly goes on in my mind, this definitely shows it. Although my chaos is usually with two, maybe three voices. Not four.

I hope you write more. This was really great!

Thanks! I've got a sequel in the works right now...