Young Writers Society

I've known him for years. He's one of my closest friends, but not yet to the point of he being my brother. I think. People sometimes think that, and I think that they're crazy. You see, I have butt-length red hair, bordering on that kind of color that you get in trouble for because of extremity, incredibly pale skin that looks transparent in fluorescent light, and eyes so green I've had no less than eighteen people ask me if I wear color contacts. Also, my name is Xakoi. I honestly don't know where my parents got it. As for him, he's got dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, and he's incredibly tall. Also, he has a normal name that teachers can pronounce on the first try. His name is Jason. And he is perfect. It bothers the heck out of me when people ask about my brother that I actually don't have.

Anyway, last week was my sweet sixteen. I invited about thirty people to play hide-and-seek at Ikea. We had a blast. But now I am officially sixteen and...nothing. I had been waiting for this for forever. I'm allowed to date now, but up until the day after my birthday I hadn't realized how boring it is. While I was fifteen I had these vivid daydreams of Tristen, football player and the sexiest kid in the school, coming to my house the morning of my birthday with a bouquet of roses and his puppy-dog face begging for a date. He didn't of course, and I am ashamed of myself for being surprised, because a couple days later I found him inappropriately teasing his old girlfriend, and she clearly wanted to not be there but he wouldn't let her go. Jerk.

Now I was walking down the hall with Jason. He seems quiet, more than usual anyway, but I'm not worried. He gets like that a lot. Mostly because he stays up too late and he his tired. He surprises me today, though, by stopping in a more deserted part of the hallway and turning to face me. He stared straight into my eyes, but only for a few seconds. He looked and faced away from me. I was struck by a sudden understanding of how Elizabeth Bennet felt as Mr. Darcy paced in front of her prior to his failure of a proposal. Except I didn't hate Jason.

He stood with his back to me for a moment longer, then turned around again. He asked hesitantly, "Are you doing anything Friday night? I thought we could go see that play." He turned magenta halfway through, and trailed off at the end. Now he just stared at me hopefully and chewed his lip.

Relief flooded through me. The way he was acting I thought he was going to tell me something terrible. I laughed aloud, and he furrowed his brow. I glanced at his worried face and said "That'll be great, Jay. What play?"

His face suddenly relaxed. He looked relieved, too. He told me, "It's that one group doing Romeo and Juliet. I knew you like Shakespeare, so I got a couple of tickets." He pulled them out of his pocket and showed them to me.

Wow. "That one group" was none other than The Shakespearianites, one of the most expensive performing groups in the state. I tried not to think about how much Jason had forked over for these tickets.

"The Shakespearianites? Jason, that's fantastic! I can't wait!"

"I'll pick you up at seven--" He didn't have time to finish because I suddenly embraced him tightly. I could feel him suddenly catch his breath, and I pulled back. "Sorry."

"No, that's okay. See you Friday." He walked off just as the five-minute bell rang, leaving me standing there, inflating my helium-filled balloon of excitement. I was going to see the Shakespearianites! With Jason!

---

I couldn't decide what to wear. The clock constantly relayed the message that I had five minutes before Jason would be here. My mom stormed in, looking as nervous as I was, and forced a little black dress on me. "Mom, I can dress myself!" I protested as she zipped up the side, but she hushed me and checked my hair. It took me a minute to notice that her eyes were rimmed with red. "Mom, are you okay?" She nodded curtly as she fixed a stray strand of red. I didn't say anything else until I heard Jason ring the doorbell.

"I need to go, mom," I called as she shoved my deodorant at me and ran to the door. I sighed. I slipped my shoes on and trotted down the stairs to the door. My breath caught; Jason looked amazing! I couldn't be sure, but I think he was wearing a tux. He grinned when he saw me. "You look great, Xakoi."

I could feel myself blushing. I wouldn't know how I looked, I had dressed in such a hurry I hadn't checked myself in the mirror. I hoped Jason was being sincere instead of nice.

"Let's go," he said, holding the door open wider. I slipped past him, waved at my mom, and we went to his car. He opened the passenger side door and while I was getting in he leaned over and whispered, "You really do look amazing."
He then got behind the wheel and drove in the direction of the huge cinema where Romeo and Juliet was playing. I would be going inside it for the first time that evening. It was all I could do to keep myself from bouncing up and down in the seat with excitement. I think Jason noticed me quivering slightly because he laughed suddenly with no explanation.

---

The house was filling up fast. We had gotten in early enough to get good seats on the balcony, but barely. Five minutes after we sat down the balcony was packed and nearly so was the rest of the audience. I was still jittery with apprehension. The Shakespearianites would no doubt put on a fantastic show.

It was about a seventeen minute wait, but the curtain finally went up. And up. And up. Holy crap, that stage was huge! I was enraptured from the first line, "Two households, both alike in dignity," and was in tears by the sixth, "A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life." While they were dancing Jason and I whispered the lines to each other. I stopped breathing many times from suspense. At the end, I let out an audible sob that caused several to look over at me. We murmured the last line at the same time, reverently and in awe; "For never was a story of more woe/Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

---

We stood outside. Neither of us were quite ready to step into the car and ruin the moment. The play was by far the best rendition of Romeo and Juliet either of us had ever seen. I was extremely glad I had opted to wear waterproof mascara. Now I lay my tear-streaked face against Jason's shoulder, breathing in his scent. I could feel his breath on my hair. He was so sweet, I would have been happy to stand here like this forever. I felt so foolish for never realizing how in love with this guy I was. I sighed gently. He stepped away and took my hand. He placed the other on my waist. Without a word we began to waltz. He stepped closer and murmered, "If I profane with my unworthiest hand/This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:/My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand/To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

My breath caught. He was reciting the lines again! I sounded slightly strangled as I replied "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,/Which mannerly devotion shows in this;/For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,/And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

Jason skipped some lines, right to "Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take./Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." He didn't give me time to say anything else after that. He just stopped dancing and kissed me. Not only did my heart stop, but I think it burst. My chest was burning, and I clung to Jason's collar. He pulled away, and I said breathlessly, "Then have my lips the sin that they have took?"

Jason's face filled with mock concern and guilt. "Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!/Give me my sin again." And when he kissed me I was ready. I kissed him back with everything I had. I could feel everything Juliet felt for Romeo at that moment.

He pulled away again. I grinned, looking all the way up to his face, and said the final line, "You kiss by the book."

Oh. My. Goodness. This was amazing! I am thoroughly impresssed. It was sweet, touching, and portayed the perfect emotions. I loved how they shared the lines, and I loved the descriptions, and I loved... everything. Do these things happen in real life? I really, really hope they do. Thank you so much for writing this - it completely made my day. I think I nearly fainted at the sheer awesomeness of this when I read it.
I want to read more of these types of stories. They are absolutely my favorite and this one was especially well-done.
-Dai

I love this story, it's like a realistic twist on a fairytale. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone got to experience a moment like this at some point in their lifetime? It gives hope to people lost of love, waiting to meet that special person. It's both cute and romantic.

You are a good writer and did great in explaining her thoughts and feelings. I just have a few little things to nitpick at.

uberpale skin that looks transparent in fluorescent light

There should be a space here between the words uber and pale. I don't know if it was intentional or not, however, I'm guessing that it's a typo. Also, seeing as uber isn't an actual word, you may wish to use a different adjective here. In saying that, I don't think it effects the story negatively or positively if you decide to change it.

He looked, then faced, away from me

There isn't a comma needed after faced here. With the comma the sentence makes little sense. If you read it out loud to yourself, using both commas, you'll see what I mean - it disrupts the flow.

He asked Hesitantly, "Are you doing anything Friday night? I thought we could go see that play…" He turned magenta and chewed his lip.

The three periods here aren't needed. If you want to make a point of his nervousness, assuming that the three periods here are meant to imply him trailing off, then there are other ways you could go around it. For example, '"Are you doing anything Friday night? I thought that we could go see that play." His words trailed off as his cheeks turned a bright magenta and he chewed his bottom lip nervously." You know what I mean, sometimes having three periods trailing off like that can disrupt the flow and be off-putting for readers.

He stepped closer and murmered

murmured

And when he kissed my I was ready.

I think you mean me

Overall, you have a really good story here and with a couple of changes it can be excellent. The story line is magnificent, job well done (:

- Jesiica

Hello there.

I've known him for years. He's one of my closest friends, but not yet to the point of he being like my brother. I think. People sometimes think that, and I think that they're crazy. You see, I have butt-length red hair, bordering on that kind of color that you get in trouble for because of extremity, incredibly pale skin that looks transparent in fluorescent light, and eyes so green I've had no less than eighteen people ask me if I wear color contacts. Also, my name is Xakoi. I honestly don't know where my parents got it. As for him, he's got dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, and he's incredibly tall. Also, he has a normal name that teachers can pronounce on the first try. His name is Jason. And he is perfect. It bothers the heck out of me when people ask about my brother that I actually don't have.

This part is a little bit over whelming. You jump right into the physical description of your characters, when you should be letting us get a feel of them first. Also, I kind of despise when people interrupt the flow of the story to describe the characters. I think it's better to make the character notice something, or give little details throughout the story instead of give it all in one bunch. For example, you could tell us Jason's really tall by making her look at him, and having to look all the way up? Make his black hair fall into his dark eyes. Make his dark skin look even darker because of the slight flush it had to it when he felt suddenly shy. All of these things you mentioned in the first paragraph could be said later on in the story, and it could be done without interrupting the story. That aside, I like how you instantly introduce the 'not my brother, but close' relationship. It gives the whole thing some character.

For the nitpicks, the corrections are in red, and the comments are in bold.

Sassykat wrote:Anyway, last week was my sweet sixteen. I invited about thirty people to play hide-and-seek at Ikea. We had a blast. But then I was officially sixteen and...nothing. I had been waiting for this for forever. I'm allowed to date now, but up until the day after my birthday I hadn't realized how boring it is. While I was fifteen I had these vivid daydreams of Tristen, football player and the sexiest kid in the school, coming to my house the morning of my birthday with a bouquet of roses and his puppy-dog face begging for a date. He didn't of course, and I was ashamed of myself for being surprised, because a couple days later I found him inappropriately teasing his old girlfriend, and she clearly wanted to not be there but he wouldn't let her go. Jerk.

Now I was walking down the hall with Jason. He seemed quiet, more than usual anyway, but I wasn't worried. He got like that a lot. Mostly because he stayed up too late and he was tired. He surprised me today, though, by stopping in a more deserted part of the hallway and turning to face me. He stared straight into my eyes, but only for a few seconds. He looked and faced away from me. I was struck by a sudden understanding of how Elizabeth Bennet felt as Mr. Darcy paced in front of her prior to his failure of a proposal. Except I didn't hate Jason.
You switched a lot from past to present tense in this paragraph. It's always better to stick with one or the other, because it's less confusing for the readers.

He stood with his back to me for a moment longer, then turned around again. He asked hesitantly, "Are you doing anything Friday night? I thought we could go see that play." He turned magenta halfway through, and trailed off at the end. Now He just stared at me hopefully and chewed his lip.

Relief flooded through me. From the way he was acting comma, I thought he was going to tell me something terrible. I laughed aloud, and he furrowed his brow. I glanced at his worried face and said "That'll be great, Jay. What play?"

His face suddenly relaxed, allowing his features to look relieved. He told me, "It's that one group doing Romeo and Juliet. I knew you like Shakespeare, so I got a couple of tickets." He pulled them out of his pocket and showed them to me.

Wow. "That one group" was none other than The Shakespearianites, one of the most expensive performing groups in the state. I tried not to think about how much Jason had worked over for these tickets.
Did you mean worked?

"The Shakespearianites? Jason, that's fantastic! I can't wait!"

"I'll pick you up at seven--" He didn't have time to finish because I suddenly embraced him tightly. I could feel him suddenly catch his breath, and I pulled back.
*Space*
"Sorry."

"No, that's okay. See you Friday." He walked off just as the five-minute bell rang, leaving me standing there, inflating my helium-filled balloon of excitement. I was going to see the Shakespearianites! With Jason!

---

I couldn't decide what to wear. The clock constantly relayed the message that I had five minutes before Jason would be here. My mom stormed in, looking as nervous as I was, and forced a little black dress on me. "Mom, I can dress myself!" I protested as she zipped up the side, but she hushed me and checked my hair. It took me a minute to notice that her eyes were rimmed with red.
*Space*
"Mom, are you okay?" She nodded curtly as she fixed a stray strand of red hair. I didn't say anything else until I heard Jason ring the doorbell ring.

"I need to go, mom," I called as she shoved my deodorant at me and ran to the door. I sighed. I slipped my shoes on and trotted down the stairs to the door. My breath caught; Jason looked amazing! I couldn't be sure, but I think he was wearing a tux. He grinned when he saw me. "You look great, Xakoi."

I could feel myself blushing. I wouldn't know how I looked, I had dressed in such a hurry I hadn't checked myself in the mirror. I hoped Jason was being sincere instead of nice.

"Let's go," he said, holding the door open wider. I slipped past him, waved at my mom, and we went to his car. He opened the passenger side door and while I was getting in comma, he leaned over and whispered, "You really do look amazing."
He then got behind the wheel and drove in the direction of the huge cinema where Romeo and Juliet was playing. I would be going inside it for the first time that evening. It was all I could do to keep myself from bouncing up and down in the seat with excitement. I think Jason noticed me quivering slightly because he laughed suddenly with no explanation.

---

The house was filling up fast. We had gotten in early enough to get good seats on the balcony, but barely. Five minutes after we sat down the balcony was packed and nearly so was the rest of the audience. I was still jittery with apprehension. The Shakespearianites would no doubt put on a fantastic show.

It was about a seventeen minute wait, but the curtain finally went up. And up. And up. Holy crap, that stage was huge! I was enraptured from the first line, "Two households, both alike in dignity," and was in tears by the sixth, "A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life." While they were dancing comma, Jason and I whispered the lines to each other. I stopped breathing many times from suspense. At the end, I let out an audible sob that caused several to look over at me. We murmured the last line at the same time, reverently and in awe; "For never was a story of more woe/Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."
I like this part.
---

We stood outside. Neither of us were quite ready to step into the car and ruin the moment. The play was by far the best rendition of Romeo and Juliet either of us had ever seen. I was extremely glad I had opted to wear waterproof mascara. Now I lay my tear-streaked face against Jason's shoulder, breathing in his scent. I could feel his breath on my hair. He was so sweet, I would have been happy to stand there like that forever. I felt so foolish for never realizing how in love with this guy I was. I sighed gently. He stepped away and took my hand. He placed the other on my waist. Without a word we began to waltz.
*Space*
He stepped closer and murmured, "If I profane with my unworthiest hand/This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:/My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand/To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

My breath caught. He was reciting the lines again! I sounded slightly strangled as I replied "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,/Which mannerly devotion shows in this;/For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,/And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

Jason skipped some lines, right to "Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take./Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." He didn't give me time to say anything else after that. He just stopped dancing and kissed me. Not only did my heart stop, but I thought it would burst. My chest was burning, and I clung to Jason's collar. He pulled away, and I said breathlessly, "Then have my lips the sin that they have took?"

Jason's face filled with mock concern and guilt. "Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!/Give me my sin again." And when he kissed me again , I was ready. I kissed him back with everything I had. I could feel everything Juliet felt for Romeo at that moment.

He pulled away again. I grinned, looking all the way up to his face, and said the final line, "You kiss by the book."

I realized that the feel of your story is really tight and angry looking. You use a lot of periods, and do little sentences which do not help with that. I guess you don't really want a love story to feel angry and tight, right? I would suggest you combine some of your sentences and try to so longer, more 'poetic' sentences to help with that.
I really liked the component of Romeo and Juliet to this story. It was a little bit cliche, but you brought it to another level with the quoting and the relationship between the MC and Jason.

All in all, it was good. Keep writing!

-Other One

I love the story. I think in the beginning it takes a little while to get into the story but once it really started it had a good flow. I like the Shakspeare, it really adds to the storyline. I think you could have added more detail to her feelings before the date and even during the date but its nothing to worry about to much (it still works how it is.) Keep writing! I'd love to read a sequel. What happens on the second date?

Absolutely. Amazing.
I liked how you put in Romeo and Juliet parts in there, THAT'S what makes a classic. Which is exactly what this is; a classic.
The ending was very sweet, although, in the beginning I think you should've expanded more on what their friendship was like before he asked her out.
It had a great flow and the very first sentence set the mood and tone entirely all too well!
Why was her mother crying as she was leaving?
Ad does she have a father?
Just some questions. This was truly a truly remarkable piece! you deserve another follower

Keep you creativity flowing,
--Ash

Aww...this was really cute. It was a good read. But I think you should expand more, just a little bit On their friendship and such. Other than that, this was really cute, it kept me entertained while in school. So that's a good thing. Good luck and Happy Writing XD

Qoh16

This was a nice story, and I loved how you incorporated the lines from them play into the story. Trust me, this isn't only your dream date. I liked the characters and how sweet they are, although this story could be a lot more realistic. It could use some detail and background information. But I liked it. Good job and good luck.