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Honey Sweet



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Sat May 21, 2011 9:55 pm
TylynRae says...



Your story is about a composer in a tree house kissing in dreams. (Short story generator idea I chose for contest)

His knees shook as he placed a timid foot on the first rung of the ladder. He licked his lips and chuckled softly to himself. Cane in hand, Cecil cautiously worked his way up the ladder.
Cecil was getting older. It had been fifty years since his first performance at Carnegie Hall. He had been the whirlwind twenty year old composer fresh in from the streets; no college experience, just pure talent.
He continued to inch up the ladder, stopping occasionally to catch his breath and center himself. He sang softly. His hands shook, his knees wobbled, but his voice stayed strong; a solid bass flowing from his mouth, straight from his gut.
The cane hit the wooden floor with a dull thud. Cecil’s feeble hands searched blindly for the two handholds that had been carved into the floor years ago, back when his father had first built the tree house. Back when he hadn’t needed handholds.
He pulled himself into the safety of the enclosure and closed his eyes. Cecil panted heavily for a few moments.
“I’m getting old aren’t I, my sweet?” He laughed to himself and reached for the side table. He felt the slick feel of a photograph under his fingertips and smiled.
“Wait a minute darling. I almost forgot. It’s so dark in here.” He chuckled again. His laugh was like long forgotten bubbles safely secured under a rock in a fish bowl.
He worked his fingers in between a small crack in the floor and pulled up. The floorboard creaked and gave way. Cecil fumbled until he felt the smooth waxiness of a candle and the worn cover of a matchbox.
“There we go.” He struck the side of the matchbox and lit the candle.
“Don’t think for a second I’ve forgot about how beautiful you are. Remember the first time I brought you here? That was some time ago.” Cecil touched the photograph with a gentle shaking finger.
He closed his eyes, pressed the picture to his chest, and let one solitary tear slide down his cheek as he lay there on the floor of the tree house.

“Cecil! Cecil come here! Dance with me, darling!” Rosie took his hands in hers. Her dress was almost as red as her lips. She swayed to and fro on the dance floor. The jazz trumpets wailed, the trombones worked magic and the bass carried them to heaven and back with each melodic cord.
Cecil stared at Rosie. Her hair fell in beautiful curls around her face, a fiery halo around a face as soft as silk and as white as morning snow. Her eyes were a hypnotic green that held his attention just as closely as he held her to his chest.
Their bodies moved together in a rhythmic beat as they danced around the room. The pianist pounded out hip swaying melodies with thick black fingers.
“I don’t see why you want to become a classical composer when you love jazz!” Rosie laughed brightly.
Cecil slowed down until eventually he came to a stop. He held Rosie by the hand. “Come with me,” he said softly. His eyes twinkled as a small sideways smile played on the corners of his lips.
Cecil led Rosie out of the night club, the jazz music trailed softly behind them until all that could be heard was the crunch of small stones under their feet.
“Cecil, where are we going?” Rosie giggled.
“You’ll see.”
“If anyone sees us we’ll be the gossip of the town!” she whispered, still unable to control her laughter.
Cecil stopped walking and turned to face her. He put a gentle finger to her lips. “For what I’m about to show you, you must be absolutely quiet. Can you do that for me?” he asked her.
She quit giggling at once, seeing the sincere and heartfelt look on Cecil’s face. She nodded. Her eyes were beautiful opalescent pools that reflected the very same emotion that she saw as she gazed at Cecil.
Cecil gripped her hand and ran with her then until they came across the small instrument store that Cecil had began to work at three summers ago. He pulled the key out of his pocket, stuck it into the lock, and turned the key until they heard a light click.
“Close your eyes, love,” Cecil whispered softly against Rosie’s ear. His breath was warm against her and she closed her eyes, her eyelashes fluttering for a moment.
Cecil led Rosie by the hand and sat her down on what she assumed to be a plastic bin that he had turned upside down.
Rosie heard light clinks and thunks as Cecil moved about the room.
And then she heard music, the gentle heartfelt splendor of a violin. She gasped lightly upon hearing the mournful melody. The bow met strings with passion. The violin whined, moaned, screamed, and laughed as Rosie carried out the same emotions.
She opened her eyes and saw that Cecil too was in tears. He held the violin as if it were a lover, he caressed the violin’s neck with gentle fingers and grazed the bow upon its body. She could almost feel gentle hands moving softly against her skin as the serenade continued.
When it was done and Cecil had said everything he needed to say without saying a word, he put down his bow, put the violin in the case, and sat perfectly still.
Rosie lifted herself from her plastic overturned bin, and walked to him. She sat down in his lap, wrapped her hands round his neck and kissed him ever so softly.
“I love you too.” She smiled, letting her tears soak Cecil’s cheek.

Cecil awoke with tears in his eyes and the taste of honey and love on his lips. He looked down at the photograph that he held in his hand, at the ring glistening on his finger. He smiled.
Last edited by TylynRae on Sun May 22, 2011 5:54 pm, edited 5 times in total.
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





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Sat May 21, 2011 10:46 pm
Butterfinger says...



Hey! Hey! This is a lovely piece! Even with out blood & guts this piece has so much emotion in it that it speaks for itself! You most certainly have a beautiful way with words!

One correction:

“I don’t see why you want to become a classical composer when you're oh so love jazz!” Rosie laughed brightly.


Love your writing!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 1:04 am
thatoddkid says...



The first thing I have to comment on is your wonderful use of setting. Too many times, our stories are set in places like a kitchen, a car, etc. We're more familiar with these places, so it makes them easier to write about. I love it when, say, someone puts part of their story in a jazz club that probably doesn't exist anymore. It's very beneficial to the magic of a story.

You have a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure that someone will be more than happy to point them out. (I'm not that person.)

I'm not going to say much about the flow of your story - I literally got out of surgery today and can't be sure of how sharp my mind is. That being said, I think you may need to rework the first part of your story a bit to give it more consistency; it seemed a bit jumpy. Also, I want to see more at the end. More emotion - that is, more of his thoughts of how he loved her. You let the reader infer so much in this story, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm tired and want answers. xD Okay, don't give us all the answers, but give us some heartfelt thoughts so that we can truly appreciate what they had.

Overall, this was a simple (yet slighty unconventional) love story that I very much enjoyed. Good job.

P.S. I felt like this was inspired by something. Don't know why.

P.P.S. I liked the lady character more than the man... I'm probably just jealous that my violin-playing can't make women swoon. Hmm.

P.P.P.S. Scratch what I said about emotion at the end. Or if you don't, just add a little. Or maybe toward the beginning.
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 5:24 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey there tydecker!

Thanks for requesting my help :)

So, first off I have to say how jealous I am that you've come up with a wonderful entry already. I haven't even gotten around to using the story generator yet.

This story was great. It was sad yet happy and the way you expressed the emotions really had me on an emotional rollercoaster. The way you described the music was beautiful. I could almost hear the sweet music that he was playing so really well done. The rest of the descriptions were brilliant too, and your choice of setting was great though I would have liked to have known why he went there. Was it where he and Rose used to go when they were younger, on dates and such? I know you have a word limit to stick to, but if you have words left, you could perhaps spare us a detail or two.

You asked for help on punctuation and so I shall help you :)

fresh in from the streets, no college experience just pure talent.


I think this would maybe work better if you changed it too -

'fresh in from the streets; no college experience, just pure talent.'

He sang softly, his hands shook, his knees wobbled, but his voice stayed strong, a solid bass flowing from his mouth straight from his gut.


Maybe try -

'He sang softly. His hands shook, his knees wobbled, but his voice stayed strong; a solid bass flowing from his mouth, straight from his gut.

- I think it makes it flows a little better and it stops the feeling that the sentence has been over run by commas.

house, back


The comma would be better as a full stop.

“I’m getting old aren’t I, my sweet?” he laughed


The 'he' should be 'He' as 'He laughed' is describing what he did after he spoke, rather than describing how he's saying his words. For example, if the sentence was -

'“I’m getting old aren’t I, my sweet?” he asked.' Then the 'he' woudn't be capitalised because it's describing how he's saying his words - in a question.

So if we take this sentence -

'“Wait a minute darling. I almost forgot. It’s so dark in here.” he chuckled again.'

- You are describing the action after his words - the chuckle - so the 'he' needs to be capitalised.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense - I'm rubbish at explaining things :/

His laugh was like long forgotten bubbles safely secured under a rock in a fish bowl.


I get what you are trying to say in this description, but I don't know if the imagery works here.

The floorboard came up.


As you already used 'up' in the previous sentence, maybe try -

'The floorboard came away.'

“There we go.” he struck the side of


The 'he' needs be to 'He'

He closed his eyes, pressed the picture to his chest, and let one solitary tear slide down his cheek as he lay there on the floor of the tree house.

“Cecil! Cecil come here! Dance with me, darling!” Rosie took his hands in hers. Her dress was almost as red as her lips. She swayed to and fro on the dance floor. The jazz trumpets wailed, the trombones worked magic and the bass carried them to heaven and back with each melodic cord.


Okay, the transition between these two scenes is a little messy. It's clear that the second paragraph I've quoted is a memory, but I think it would make it easier to distinguish this if you did one of two things. You could either have the whole memory scene in italics to show that it's a memory, or you could state that he thinks back to a memory when you describe him crying and then have a break in between the paragraphs like *** for example to show that the next paragraphs are memories. If you choose the second option, then you should end the memory with *** too, so it's clearer to the reader that they are back to the present day with Cecil in the tree house again.

white as a morning snow


I don't think you need the 'a'

when you oh so love jazz!”


This bit of dialogue sounds awkward. I think it's the 'oh so' part.

“Come with me.” he said softly.


'“Come with me," he said softly.'

Her eyes were sincere opalescent pools that


I'd consider changing 'sincere' to a different word as you already used it in the previous sentence.

love.” Cecil


The full stop should be a comma.

His breath was warm against her, she closed her eyes


I think the comma would work better as 'and'

that Cecil too was in tears, he held the


The comma would be better as a full stop.

she smiled, letting her


'She'

***

So, overall, I think you have a great story here. As I said at the start, your descriptions and imagery work well and are well written.

If you fix the small mistakes I've pointed out, and add in a little more background to why he's in the tree house, I think you could be in with a shot :)

I hope this helps and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 5:35 pm
TylynRae says...



@ Dudette, you're a life saver! You have no idea how much you helped me =] Thanks again!
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 4:21 pm
LadySpark says...



hai Tyler! So I am sooo going to review you today! Romance is my favorite genre. So this is gonna be right up my alley :)

straight from his gut.


Gut? really? you have this nice flowing story, and then you stick gut in there. It ain't a pretty, and it just disrupts the order of the story :)

a fiery halo around

wonderful imaginary :)

I thought it was about a composer kissing? I liked the story and now the worst part of my reviews. the nit-picks

Okay, seemed slightly cliche, no matter how well written, (which it def is.) Its one of those, old man whose wife is gone, he's sad and goes back to where they were happiest.

Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful well written story, its just, I don't know, it didn't fufill my wishes for this story. Does that make sense? That if left me feeling... Parched. Yeah thats it. Its not very p;easing... I'm not trying to be mean. I apoligize if it seems that way. I really do.

~Pointe
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these tornadoes are for you


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Mon May 30, 2011 10:28 am
ilovemyboys says...



Hi! Thsi piece was very touching and I loved it
His laugh was like long forgotten bubbles safely secured under a rock in a fish bowl.

This was by far my favorite line in the whole thing, because fish bowls are awesome!
Cecil stared at Rosie. Her hair fell in beautiful curls around her face, a fiery halo around a face as soft as silk and as white as morning snow. Her eyes were a hypnotic green that held his attention just as closely as he held her to his chest

To me, her appearance seemed a little cliche, and over used. Try something different for what she looks like :)
Keep writing!
Georgie x
They don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart
Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin
-Skin, Sixx:A.M
  








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