Young Writers Society

The young woman shoved the dollar back in her purse. Another loss for Him. He was always told that he wasn’t good enough. Architecture, Music, and Cooking were Him’s Previous jobs. Maybe it was his ridiculous name. His clumsy hands. His loss for words. His big breakdown of a job was Poetry. Apparently you can’t write much about Nevada, his former home. Him now lives in Portland, with his new job, a mime. A stupid choice maybe, but no one had to hear him. No one really knew the source for his depression. He knew it wasn’t medical, or about money or anything. Him was in fact a very rich man. No, the source of his melancholy was simple, loneliness.
He only had one real friend who kept Him happy, She. They met while studying at Columbia University in New York.
His love life wasn’t as good. He was known as a failure by some and a misunderstood man. Him hoped for a long nice relationship.
“Today again, rain with a slight chance of lightning. Now back to you, You.” Said Donnie Marcrobis. The room was dark only illuminated by the television. Him had a large apartment. His wealth came with one price. The death of his consumptive parents. His lonely apartment was shared with his bulldog, Ted. And boy did he help.
”Armed Robbery of Lee O’Malley’s bar today. 4 dead and 2 wounded. Real pain in the world today Don” Said Kyle Rodriguez, the self proclaimed “reporter with pizazz” as the T.V. yelled. The phone rang. Him grabbed it and it was his brother asking for money. Him's brother ran away at age 15. He was tired with parents. Looks like now he could use them more than anything.
“You live 2 floors down cant you just come up!” Exclaimed Him.
”No I broke my foot, did you see the news?” He said sternly.
“Oh god that was you?
“Yeah! They showed pictures on the news of my bleeding leg!" Way to sympathize!" He exclaimed.
“Jeez, well I'm...I'm sorry man." He sadly whispered.
"You know man, I need money in my account for re-"
"Don't you have a job?" Him interrupted
"No I got fired"
You see, as a mime, Him just couldn’t talk on the job. At home or with friends and stuff like that he could talk. He went to his computer and went on the site to put money in his account. He checked his mail and saw that he had one email.
“She?”
“i thnk tht we shud hang out more, i miss you :(“ Said the poorly written email.”
Him grabbed the phone and called She.
“Hey She”
“Hi Him”
“Do you wanna go grab a slice from Pizza Pizza or whatever”
“Yea sure!”
“Ok cool I be down in a second”
Him hung up the phone and went down the stairs. He knocked on She’s door. She opened the door revealing her Lavender summer dress.
“Like it?” She said
“Yea looks great” Him said in an upbeat tone.
They walked down the sidewalk conversing about music and money and politics. They really seemed to connect. They sat down at the restaurant.
"How's is your job?" She said.
"Um, its alright"Said Him
"Mime right?"
"Yea kinda lame, right?"
"No!, that's amazing. You know i always wanted to go into show business" She said nicely
"Oh really?"
"Yea, you know, my favorite play was "The Nutcracker""
"Wow, that's also my favorite!" He chuckled.
Then a case fell out of She's bag. She calmly put it back in her purse.
"Wait a second is that?" Him curiously asked.
"Arcade Fire, my favorite." She said in reply.
"Oh wow, that's the new one right?"
"Yes sir, listened to this album 50 times"
"Did yo see them in Chicago that one year?"
"Yeah I totally went to that!"
By then it was time to go and they casually walked out of the restaurant.
“You ready?” Said Him
“Um I think, I’m going to call a cab” She said in a rather sad tone
“Wait, don't you want to walk?”
“I just, I am not feeling good right now"
Him decided that he will walk home. Halfway home he started thinking about how much of a good time he had today and stopped in the middle of the road. Him came to a realization. He was in love with She.
Him woke up the next morning with a smile on his face. Today he had to work but he could live with his work today. Before he left he got word from She that she was moving. It broke his heart but he had to tell her. He went to his usual corner for his job. Today he didn’t do terrible. He actually was getting paid a lot. People clapped there hands for Him. And then he saw She. She stood by the street calling for a taxi. Him couldn’t yell, he was getting paid to much to yell. She left. Him broke through the crowd eventually and got in a cab. He ordered him to drive to the airport. He got there in the nick of time. She was at the gate when he ran up to her and grabbed her shoulder. She unknowingly jerked away and turned around. Her face was in shock.
“She I have to tell you something” Him said panting.
“What?..What is it?!” She said.
“I have been thinking and i think I. I…I l.. love you.”
“Oh Him, you finally realized"
" I don't want you to leave please stay here, for me?
“G..Goodbye" She said silently choking up.
She kissed him on the neck and walked away and tears flooded his eyes.
“But..Why?...” Him whispered as She walked away.



The End

I like where you are taking the story, but some more description would be nice. Some of your dialouge is a bit awkward and that date that Him had with She should be described better. You are telling the reader that Him is having a good time but not showing us. I couldn't pinpoint or tell exactly what made it a good moment for Him. Can you describe that scene better and show the moment that Him realized he was having a good time? Show us the moment that they connected, was it something one of them said or what? Some corrections with your dialogue...
Example-
"“Ok cool I be down in a second” is what you put. What you should've put is,
""Ok, cool, I'll be down in a second."
That is just a general error that you made several times that is easy to fix. I think he should see She again... But that is just me. Keep writing.

“What are you doing?” said the young lady on the street. She slapped Him across the face. Another loss for Him. He was always told that he wasn’t good enough. Architecture, Music, and Cooking were Him’s Previous jobs. Maybe it was his ridiculous name. His clumsy hands. His loss for words. His big breakdown of a job was Poetry. Apparently you can’t write much about Nevada, his former home. Him now lives in Portland, with his new job, a mime. A stupid choice maybe, but no one had to hear him. No one really knew the source for his depression. He knew it wasn’t medical, or about money or anything. Him was in fact a very rich man. No, the source of his melancholy was simple, loneliness.
The intro was good except for the part where the young lady slaps Him across the face. It's not really practical and I can't imagine someone slapping another person across the face because of a lousy act.

He could be happy don’t get me wrong. His friends would be with him, no matter how awkward he was. They kept close to him. After reading the story I can't imagine someone like Him having close friends. You don't mention any other friends except for She. I would change it to him having one close friend and that friend being She. His love life wasn’t as good. He was known as a failure by some and a misunderstood man. She is one of Him’s good friends. Him never ever saw it coming at all. Are you referencing to She leaving???

“Today again, rain with a slight chance of lightning. Now back to you, You.” Said Donnie Marcrobis. The room was dark only illuminated by the television. Him had a large apartment. His wealth came with one price. The death of his old try using another adjective because if his parents were old wouldn't they be expected to die.parents. His lonely apartment was shared with his bulldog, Ted. And boy did he help.

”Armed Robbery of Lee O’Malley’s bar today. 4 dead and 2 wounded. Real pain in the world today Don???” Said Kyle Rodriguez, the self proclaimed “reporter with pizazz”??? as the T.V. yelled. The phone rang. Him grabbed it and it was his brother asking for money. Why wouldn't the brother get any of the wealth when their parents died. You should explain that.

“You live 2 floors down cant you just come up!” Exclaimed Him.

”No I broke my foot, did you see the news?” He said sternly.

“Oh god that was you? Listen man I’m sorry I'll put $50 in your account”

“Yeah sure buddy, thanks"

“Bye”
Wouldn't he be more emotional if that was his brother on the news. To me the whole scene seems just thrown in there and has no significance to the story.
You see, as a mime, Him just couldn’t talk on the job. At home or with friends and stuff like that he could talk. He went to his computer and went on the site to put money in his account. He checked his mail and saw that he had one email.

“She?”

“i thnk tht we shud hang out more, i miss you “ Said the poorly written email.”

Him grabbed the phone and called She.

“Hey She”

“Hi Him”

“Do you wanna go grab a slice from Pizza Pizza or whatever”

“Yeah sure!”

“Ok cool I be down in a second”

Him hung up the phone and went down the stairs. He knocked on She’s door. She opened the door revealing her Lavender summer dress.

To add more detail you should say, she noticed him gazing at her dress and that make her say "Like it?"

“Like it?” She said

“Yeah looks great” Him said in an upbeat tone.

They walked down the sidewalk conversing about music and money and politics more detail. They really seemed to connect. They sat down at the restaurant.

"How's is your job?" She said.

"Um, its alright, "said Him

"Mime right?"

"Yea kinda lame, take out right?"

"No! That's amazing. You know i always wanted to go into show business," She said nicely

"You must have been dropped o-"Him whispered. For someone who's in love with her that doesn't seem like a right comment

"What was that?" She interrupted.

"Nothing, nothing."

By then it was time to go and they casually walked out of the restaurant. So they just sat down at the restaurant had a simple conversation and left. You didn't mention them eating and reading that conversation aloud I imagine it would only last for a couple minutes not for the full time you would be in a restaurant.

“You ready?” Said Him.

“Um I think, I’m going to call a cab” She said in a rather sad tone.

“Wait, don't you want to walk?”

“I just, I am not feeling good right now."

Him decided that he will walk home. Halfway home he started thinking about how much of a good time he had today and stopped in the middle of the road. Him came to a realization. He was in love with She.

Him woke up the next morning with a smile on his face. Today he had to work but he could live with his work today. Before he left he got word from She that she was moving. It broke his heart but he had to tell her. He went to his usual corner for his job. Today he didn’t do terrible. He actually was getting paid a lot. People clapped there hands for Him. Everything was going fine, but then he saw She. She stood by the street calling for a taxi. Him couldn’t yell, he was getting paid too much to yell. She left. Him broke through the crowd eventually and got in a cab. He ordered the taxi driverto drive to the airport. He got there in the nick of time. She was at the gate when he ran up to her and grabbed her shoulder. She unknowingly jerked away and turned around. Her face was in shock.

“She I have to tell you something” Him said panting.

“What?..What is it?!” She said.

“I have been thinking and I think I, I…I l love you.”

“Oh Him, you finally realized" Doesn't seem to flow

"I don't want you to leave please stay here, for me?

“G..Goodbye" She said silently choking up.

She kissed him on the neck and walked away and tears flooded his eyes.

“But..Why?...” Him whispered as She walked away.

Nice Ending!

The End

The idea of the story was excellent. It has some originality to it and I really liked that. But there were some grammar mistakes (Don't forget correct punctuation) that you can see in red. Also a couple things for me didn't flow. Especially the part where the brother aks for money and says that he was the one the tv reporter was talking about. Also you need to add a lot more detail to make this seem like a full complete story. You're story has a lot of potential and I'm sorry if I came out a little harsh.


Also if you have any questions feel free to PM me or write on my wall.

I'd love to read the story after you have edited it(:


-Signed

lilgreendots

its a good story line, you should write more

I agree, this MUST be continued!

Hello there.

Architecture, Music, and Cooking were Him’s Previous jobs.

The use of Him is really weird here. It took me a while to realize what you were trying to do, and to be honest, I don't really like what it is. It's confusing, and just the proper use of 'his', 'he' and 'him' would make the same thing. So this sentence would become: Architecture, Music, and Cooking were his Previous jobs.
But it's your choice, if you want to leave it like that.

No, the source of his melancholy was simple: loneliness.

“i thnk tht we shud hang out more, i miss you “ Said the poorly written email.”

Put it in italics instead of quotation marks.

"How's is your job?" She said.

"No!, that's amazing. You know I always wanted to go into show business comma," She said nicely period.

There should be a punctuation sign between the dialogue and the sentence after. Period, comma... Always.
I didn't correct the rest, because I assume you are capable of going through it and doing it yourself.

"Wait a second comma, what is that?" Him curiously asked.

“I have been thinking and I think I. I…I l.. love you.”

The story is a little bit fast paced and I think you could take a little bit more time and actually add details about their relationship before and everything... Something that would add to the story in a positive way.

Keep writing!

-Other One

I like the idea of the story
However to improve you could add more detail and decription, such as, when you talk about the accidents, and his bleeding leg, you could decribe what the picture looked like, the colour or the blood, describe how he/they felt.
Also, you keep calling him, Him. I think you should get a different name, as it's confusing to the reader

But great plot! Keep writing :')
Haych xo

I love this idea for a story. It's so original and yet homey (at least for me). though others corrected your work, I think you might want to think of maybe putting names in there instead of HIM and SHE... that confused me a little. Another thing you might want to think of doing is adding some more description of what they look like. A few things to let the reader envision what the characters look like. That's always a positive. Other than those though, the story was written very well, and I hope you do continue and i look forward to reading it once you've edited it and written more

For your age mate, you've got good grasp on voice. You're dialogue is spot on, but could use something a bit more dynamic.

Don't quit mate.

Hello, you're only fourteen and still manage to write such intriguing stories! I like the way you express and describe your narrator - you've given him a true personality, meaning he's got both his flaws and claws! I would love to read more of this but you should use microsoft word or something like that to help correct your grammatic errors.. , Also; at many occasions you've written "Him" instead of "He" and "Him's" instead of "His".

Keep up the good work though, I'd love to read more! Just, notify me on my wall if you need something else reviewed!

Oh, almost forgot 3/5 icky spiders for you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I like the idea you were going with this but I found it a little hard to understand. I think if you would add a little more detail to this it could be really great. I did however feel the emotion behind it and that's the most important part to a story like this. Please continue writing(: